Young Writers Society

Didja have to use 'dayzed' in the title? I mean just

So between all the blood and personality hullabaloo, I couldn't help but hear this in the voice of Edward Norton because Fight Club. I hate myself for it, but it's true. Your first two stanzas are pretty straightforward for your work, honestly. They're good narration, character building; they give us a glimpse into the narrator and really just generally make me care about what's to come--until what's to come comes.

50% through stanza three is where you effectively and efficiently lose me BECAUSE, and I get to use admin red:



Haven't you seen anything with Multiverse theory? You created a branch in the timeline, and now there are two poems.

So please don't focus (don't like this word here, would deffo go with something more apropos??) erotic starvation that drops the BMI counts three percent. The syntax here also branches the possibilities out into syntactical possibilities. I'm not a huge fan of exploring all of them, but EDs are nasty creatures, so the following forcefulness is an interesting concept? Though

i'll stick a banana in their tailpipe is reminiscent of anal rape, and I don't go for that jam in my literature, though I get the forced eating--there are those here who would crucify you for mentioning it flippantly. And it just comes from nowhere. This whole segment comes from nowhere. And goes nowhere. It's very personal, I think, and I think I want to feed you a chicken, but. Oi.

Moving on to the sex with documentary and starvation--it works. EDs are rough. Rough to capture in literature? Spark uses wolves to talk about them. Insomnia once used fire. Consumption. You get it.

Final note--the genocide documentary sidenote is a gorgeous thing that most will miss for its literary value. Wrong kind of -cide, but I love it all the same. Gotta mask it somehow.

Good work. Nix the tailpipe banana.
Ty

This is Kaos here for a review!

beyond daydreams
of finding warmth
in christmas-themed boxer briefs,
nightmares consist of
breaking their nose
with two and a half punches
and watching all the blood
stain their joggers;

An interesting set of images to start out the poem with. That's one thing that I've always admired about your poetry, I think. It's your ability to make images vivid without using a lot of words or using images that usually wouldn't be thought of. It's hard to interpret the meaning of the first stanza, and I think that having room for the reader to interpret is good. I don't think that not really having a guide to what it means is good. From my interpretation or from what I can understand the speaker is having daydreams and then that turns into nightmares? There's not really a transition between the two and we don't really know the context of it at this point.

i told alice i'm not a man of hatred,
just flesh and cotton and bacteria
and i can swindle this body down
to what its worth:
bone.
calcium.
two percent milk.

I liked this stanza in how it's worded and it's very much a Strange-stanza in that it feels like you. I didn't really understand the first few lines and felt like the wording could be a little better in the first line. My main problem with this stanza is that the reader doesn't really know who Alice is and why she relates to this poem. I thought the second half was stronger than the first with the message that it gets across, but I enjoy this stanza.

The poem is very down-to-earth and I think that that's a strength of it, and this is in your style in general, it lets things be in the poem whether they're considered to be poetic or not. This leaves me to bring up the last two stanzas. I'm grouping them together because they both did less than the other two and kind of lacked emotional impact. The reader has a "how does this really relate?" question running through their head by now and it's more of a collection of loose thoughts and images rather than a poem, at least how I viewed it. What I'm mostly trying to get across is that I want more direction on how to interpret the poem or take it. What should I be getting out of it? That kind of thing.

I hope I helped and have a great day!