Young Writers Society

I really like this piece. I think it's really well written and really well thought through. I think that the inferred comparison between the dryness of California and the dryness of the character's humor and outlook on life creates an atmosphere that is just humorous enough and just melancholy enough to be brilliant. It's so sarcastic, but at the same time brutally honest, and I think that makes it one of the best free verse poems I've read in a long time.

Hey,
So this is pretty good even though it threw me off a couple times. I think a couple of times that you were kind of in a hurry to get this done, but I might be wrong. I liked it though and I couldn't have done it any better. But I think you need to at least try to rhyme it a little bit next time. But anyways no matter what it was really good!

But anyways it was unique in its own way. I was reading the other reviews I can tell why you did this poem this way because it makes a lot more sense now. But yea anyways it was pretty good.

Hey !
Though I myself is not so good as to critic but I want to say few things after reviewing. Your poem is not in a rhyming flow but is unique in it's own way. It seemed that you were in a hurry while writing these lInes or may be you just written what came in m8nd and you penn down here ( just like I do ) . So you can imagine I like it. Keep it up but try to be in flow and nit hurry to jumble. Blessings

Hey Stranger,

This poem was a bit off for me. It felt like the stanzas were disjointed because you hopped from thing to thing so fast. If you look at the subjects of the stanzas I think you'll see what I mean.

Stanza 1: Language. No transition
Stanza 2: Drought in San Francisco. No transition
Stanza 3: A town? Global warming? Not sure if this relates or not.
Stanza 4: The future, comedy. We stay on the subject of "I" though.
Stanza 5: Not sure what the subject is? Using death to put people off?
Stanza 6: YAY, a slight transition. We're in a city again according to Google. The past. No transition
Stanza 7: Rejecting things. No Transition.

The reason I say no transition is because each stanza should have something that connects it just slightly to the next stanza so it doesn't feel like we're jumping to a whole new conversation. You're lacking those ties and we get so little about what the last stanza was about, that it's hard to follow a clear line of thought through this poem. I also have no idea how it relates to the title of the poem, which matters less, but it was the title that intrigued me and brought me into the poem in the first place, so I'm disappointed you don't get around to showing how it affects the poem itself.

Overall, I think you're jumbling this up a bit too much. You wrote it well, the words are good, the lines are good, the flow is good, but it's not clear. There's even a nice tangibility to the emotion in some of these stanzas, like "and your hinds remain idle/ during our awkward moment of silence." I like that. It's just, who is it you're talking about? What was the moment about? Why did it get brought up that someone's going to die? Are they actually going to die or is this just something that's being said?

You have so many questions in this poem that the whole thing just sort of is like standing at the epicenter of an explosion looking out at all the different potential paths of debris trying to find a golden ring and you don't even know which direction to start following strings out.

If you had some more transitions between these, then that would explain how to get from point A to point C but right now we're totally missing B.

Haven't seen a poem like this since Michael Jackson.....

And he didn't make poems

I loved this poem. Not only for being unique(in that, I'VE never read one like this), but also in being a solid piece of literature.
I totally get the feelings and thought process going on in this poem (I think )
Sometimes you don't need anyone else to know you have problems, because you don't. Sometimes it's just enough to tell yourself you have problems, because if you got some problems, you're important enough to stay here.
A lot of the time I feel like this, where I don't want any attention, but I want to do something important. Answer: create some problems for yourself and don't share them with anything.

Well.. back to the poem..(Sorry for my rambling)
Your grammatics are spot on, no misspellings whatsoever!
I thought it was funny at the beginning

I can't speak the language of love,
but I can speak Spanish.

I really liked this!! Everything flowed well, and it felt conversational and natural. The last stanza was especially insightful and definitely left a lasting impact.

My analysis skills aren't so good, I'm afraid, but this poem definitely gave me a sense of loneliness and isolation, perhaps self-imposed (as suggested by the last stanza).

I don't have many nitpicks - I think stylistic choices in poetry are very personal and I'm sure you had reasons for making the ones you did. In any case, it works - like I said, everything flows well, which is definitely important.

This poem actually reminds me a lot of a book I just finished reading, Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey. I just thought that was worth noting - maybe you'd be interested in it.

In conclusion, I did really like this poem - it flowed naturally and left an impact. It also definitely has a certain vibe to it that I really dig.

Keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more of your stuff.