Chapter 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841...
Even during the afternoon the next day, they were still discussing what had happened. Each
claimed it was the others fault. A typical teenage argument. This was the gist of what happened.
Simon had planned to try to get his dad to stay as far away as possible from the homework room,
while Edmund did the homework. Then, the next day on the bus, Simon would copy what Edmund
had done (cheating was one of their least worries). Sadly, the plan completely failed—they were
worse off than they would have been if they had confessed—as that’s how it usually works. When
Simon had opened the door, he’d thought that his dad was going to be at the door, since there were
loud, slow footsteps outside that sounded like his dads. Also, he usually came up to check on them
at bedtime. But what Simon hadn't known was that his dad was working in his office, grading papers,
so therefore was not able to come over. He’d asked Edmund’s dad to go up, as he was walking by.
Now, if you think that Edmund’s dad wasn’t nice, you would be wrong; but he was the
strictest adult in the house. He had to deal with his boss all day, fixing this and that. Sadly, whatever
he did, his boss never thought he was doing anything right. Also, the machinery was old, so it was
a struggle to do anything, let alone deal with a fat boss breathing down your neck. Consequently,
Edmund’s dad was strict, and always tired. And he could get snappy.
When Simon opened the door, he was prepared to ask his dad’s trophies [21], which he was
proud of. If the chance was given, he would describe in real time what’d happened during the latest
competition, and the win-loss record of the people they’d went against. By the time he was done,
Simon felt like he had been at the competition.
Anyways, when Simon didn’t see his dad standing in the doorway, he was very alarmed.
The two men were very different. His dad was tall and thin, with his brown hair in his face, and a
haphazardly inside-out shirt covered in many digits of pi. His shirts usually had math scribbled on
them, (when he couldn’t find paper or a liteskreen). What Simon saw was had short hair stained
with machinery grease, and a grubby shirt slick with repair oil. However, it was mostly his eyes that
made the big difference between them. When Simon's dad was laughing, his eyes had a sparkle in
them. But Mr. Starr’s smile never reached his eyes. He was the kind who was always studying the
government and such, making his view of life not the most hopeful.
When he saw Simon, he immediately asked “Is your homework done?” Simon, too startled
to think, said “yes, the trophies are—no, um, I mean the homework is—not—it isn’t not done—
um, I mean...” then trailed off, still wondering what had happened. Mr. Starr could instantly tell that
Simon was trying to conceal something—probably the homework—and wasn’t doing it very well. He
decided to play along, to try to make them confess; then he would deal out the punishment. How ...
From Simon's point of view, it was going badly. He weighed the idea of starting a false alarm,
to distract everyone while they finished the homework—somewhere far away from Mr. Starr. With
a sinking feeling, he realized that it wouldn’t give them enough time. On top of it, they probably
would get in trouble for making the false alarm on top of not finishing their homework. Finally, he
decided to lie. Facing Mr. Starr, he said again, in a calmer voice, “Hi Mr. Starr. Where’s dad? Where
you coming up to check on our homework? I can show it to you; all done.” He hoped he sounded
convincing. He didn’t. Mr. Starr, in a very sly voice, said “Okay, let’s see this homework of yours,
mind if I do?” Without more ado, he slipped past Simon into the room. Panicking, Simon half
yelled “Wait, no! That’s, um... private!” He turned the Latin homework papers upside down and
quickly scooped them up, folded them in half, and stuck them in his pockets. Mr. Starr raised his
Simons powers, and the stopped attack
16
eyebrows. He had decided what to do with them. He had decided to let them go, for a while, and
when they weren’t ready, he would act. He would play it cool, so he would act cool.
“Okay, I’m fine with that. If it’s a secret, then I won’t try to find out” He said, shrugged his
shoulders, and slowly walking towards the door. Although Simon was very relieved, the look that Mr.
Starr gave him made him think that it was not completely over. Edmund didn’t notice, even though it
was his dad. He was distracted by how badly Simon was handling the situation, and was thinking of
what he would have said. Now, if he had opened the door, he would have said something intelligent,
something smooth, like, let’s see...
While Edmund was thinking this, Simon had walked over, shakily took the homework out
from his pocket, and slumped down in his chair. He was still ready for anything, and was wondering
when it would come; the comeback. He knew Edmund’s dad well enough to see the patterns he
used. First, he would let them go for a while, and then, when he was completely prepared, he would
catch them unaware. This was way too much like a cat playing with a mouse for Simon too like. He
hadn’t done this many times in the past, but he made it very obvious when he did. He would do
something that the family would discuss for the rest of the week. This was what Simon dreaded,
more than the loss of the dessert; that was a mildly bad consequence. Edmund opened his mouth,
to comment, but Simon broke in before he could say anything. He wasn’t in the mood for criticism,
and they needed to talk.
Simon had another plan, but Edmund was willing to go along with it this time. It made more
sense, and they didn’t have any other ones that could work. This was the new plan: avoid Mr. Starr
as much as possible, and do their homework at midnight tonight. No one would be awake, and they
could take as long as they wanted.
After that, they got ready for bed, and also got some necessary things done, for
midnight. They both set their alarms for 11:45, got a couple flashlights, and hid them under their
beds. They also got some fun games to play, a couple of chocolate bars, soda, a hacky sack, and
some comic. They were all set to party all night.
When Simon looked at the alarm on his clock, after setting it, something didn’t look right. But
by that point he was so tired he told himself to forget it. In a few minutes, both friends were fast
asleep, and their clocks ticked away, waiting to buzz loudly at 11:45 the next morning.
At some point in the night, Simon awoke from a very deep sleep. It was so sudden he didn’t
realize he was awake until he had been lying in his bed for well over a minute. It was debated over
later what woke him up, but they never found out. some instinct in Simon’s brain made him wake
up; he knew something was amiss right away. He lay there for a while, wondering what was nagging
at the back of his mind. He rolled over onto his side, and looked at the clock, still ticking away. That’s
weird, he thought; its 4:37 and the alarm didn’t go off. Then the full meaning of that made him sit up
in bed. He had set the wrong time on his clock; both of them had! They had set their clocks for 11:45
AM, not PM! And he also had band that morning, so he would have to get up at 5:45. School started
at 7:45, but band started earlier. He jumped out of bed, and ran over to rouse Edmund. Edmund was
a deep sleeper, even more so than Simon. It took ten minutes before he was out of bed and semi
functional; but it was well over half an hour before he stopped yawning and got down to business.
It was almost 4:50; they only had 55 minutes left before people started getting up. “Come on!’ said
Simon,’ we’ve only got like 55 minutes left! Commme-ooon!”
But for some unknown reason, Edmund wouldn’t get to business. He claimed later
that, since he wasn’t even in the band, how was he supposed to know Simon had to get up by
5:45? Which was immediately followed by Simon painfully explaining to him he had told him,
17
specifically, when he had gotten him up. But all the same, Edmund claimed Simon hadn’t said that;
he was probably still too tired to understand or hear what Simon was saying.
When finally Edmund was awake enough to do homework, Simon tried to get down and
do it. But Edmund, still not getting the point of haste, had already gotten everything out, and was
setting up SANDY LAND[23], by the time Simon realized what he was doing.
“What are you doing?!’ Simon softly yelled at Edmund. “We have to get this homework
done!” Edmund slowly looked up from his game, and said in a sleepily, “since we went to all that
trouble to get it here without anyone seeing, why not use it?”
“ drop the game and come help me with this homework!” Simon said, pushing the game
away from Edmund. “Hey!’ yelled Edmund, ‘knock it off!” They tumbled on the ground for a minute;
in the end, Simon got the game away from Edmund and back in the box. Both of them were
breathing hard, and boy if looks could kill, I’d stay clear of that room. Edmund sat back on his legs
and crossed his arms. For a couple of seconds they stared at each other; then Simon remembered
the homework. He stood up, and said in a rough voice, “Okay, if you’re done being a fool, then let’s
do this homework!” Edmund finally consented; but by now it was 5:05, and they still had a good
amount of homework left. After that, with only a little more grumblings from Edmund, they went too
it. They were putting off the studying part; they hated studying, and it was one of the only things that
they agreed . They had a big test that day, first period. If they had known a little better, or a little
more, they would have probably studied first; but they didn't know any better.
They had been working for 10 minutes, when both of them jumped a foot in the air out of
their seats. Why, do you ask? Well, to better understand that, let’s go a little ways back. I’ll go back
to 9 o'clock last night, when Mr. Starr was having a good think, while reading the newspaper. He
was wondering whether or not he should wait until the weekend to fall upon Simon and Edmund
with the consequence or what. Sooner would be better, logically, he thought. If they didn’t do
their homework, there wouldn’t be anything to show if they turned in their uncompleted papers
in the morning; no, sooner was better. But how?—then he got an idea. Why not that soon, he
thought. They’ll be the least prepared. Content with his plan, he went back to reading the obituary
section of the newspaper.
Now we can come back to the board game fight. What had happened was this. Simon and
Edmund had made a lot more noise than they had thought. Not enough to wake anyone up, but
enough to, say, alert someone patrolling the hallways that something was up. And I bet that you can
probably guess who that someone was.
He had started walking around the halls, and kept on telling himself he should have got up
sooner, when he heard something. It sounded like “Thump, Thump, “-ay!’ Thumpity Thump ‘knock
it off—” Swish ‘Oof!” Thumpity-thumpity-thumpity-thumpity-Thump! Then silence. He silently and
quickly walked over to their room, and peeked in through the door. Because of the angle, he couldn’t
see Simon or Edmund; but he stayed for a while to listen for a while. Everything was pretty quiet for
a while. Mr. Starr was to walk away, when he heard the sound of paper rustling and low voices
saying something Latin conjugation. Then he knew that they were doing homework; or at least could
assume so. He opened the door, and said, loud enough to wake the sleepers farthest away in the
house, “Well now, what do we have here? I see some friends have decided to finish their homework
before everyone else wakes up, and tried to deceive me with lies the night before, eh. What do you
think of that?!?”
That was what startled Simon and Edmund so badly. They’d sat, gaping at Mr. Starr; but
only for a second. Then it happened. Mr. Starr had opened his mouth, and was to say something.
18
But he never got to say what he had been thinking; for at that instant there came a low humming
noise.
found. Mr. Starr muttered under his breath, “What in heaven's name could that be?” Then they all
jumped, and for the second time that day for Simon and Edmund. The noise appeared to be coming
from the ceiling, but there was nothing above them but a bedroom, and above that the observatory,
both of which were empty. The noise, although hardly noticeable at first, and hardly louder than
someone humming a tune, started to slowly grow. They stood transfixed, unable to move. It had
taken hold of their shoulders with a grip of iron, and held them fast. It continued to get louder. Simon
noticed that all the hair on his arms was standing straight up and down in the air. The air felt
electric. Edmund hair started to rise up from his head. He yelped in surprise. Simon realized that the
same was true for him. His long bangs were rising from his forehead. Even Mr. Starrs’ short hair was
pointed straight up and down. He self-consciously tried to smooth it down, but all in vain. The noise
continued to get louder. By now it was the same as a whole army of hummers humming as loud as
they could, at close range. And still it continued to get louder. All of a sudden, the lights started to
flicker. The walls were cast in a strange, dingy yellow glow from the lights. Simon felt like he was in
the middle of a thunder cloud. Little arches of electricity jumped from the walls, zapping them if they
came too close. Everyone by this point had covered their ears: Edmund tried to yell something to
them, but he might as well have saved his breath. Even without their ears covered, neither Simon
nor Mr. Starr would have been able to hear. In fact, even Edmund couldn’t hear himself yelling. And
still it continued to get louder. The noise was more like a taste, a smell, a picture; it pierced through
the mind and slipped into every sense. It was the smell of rotten eggs. It was the hue of slime coated
mold. It was the taste of charred toast. It felt like their heads would split open and their eardrums
would pop. But for the noise itself, it was all of these sensations mixed together. It was then that all
the light bulbs in the house shattered. Glass rained down on them from all sides. The air was livid
with electricity: all three of them felt like a live telephone wire was sparking all around them. Simon
and Edmund were rolling on the ground, like they were on fire. Mr. Starr was slumped against the
wall, his face in a gruesome expression. They wanted it to be over.
flung off their feet, and thrown against the wall and onto the floor. It was then that the windows
shattered. The whole house shuddered, and the floorboards rocked like ocean waves. From the
windows, there came a strange unearthly glow. It sounded like the house was being rammed by a
herd of elephants. Simon, in the back of his mind, could hear the force field alarm going crazy, and
that reminded him of something. But being thrown against a wall does not help good thinking, so he
put it aside. as he crumpled into a limp a heap on the floor, the noise started to change. It became
much louder, much closer: in fact, before, the noise now seemed to have been muffled, like it had
been on the other side of a wall. But still, the force behind it continued to grow. Simon felt the blood
dripping from his uncountable wounds, the little pieces of glass in his hair, and saw Edmund and Mr.
Starr lying on the ground. But he didn’t give up hope. This was nothing compared to when he had
picked up The Token. He stood up, and confronted to noise. It didn’t lower the volume of the noise,
but it made him feel better. Now it felt like he was on top of a tall pine tree, in the middle of a rain
storm, with the wind blowing his wet hair along with the top of the tree. And then, as the noise
became something more than painfully unbearable, (but not for Simon) there came a sudden
silence.
Glass tinkled all around them. The silence was like being brought up short from a high
fall, and finding yourself on your feet again. Edmund slowly dragged himself to their feet, and Mr.
Mr. Starr and the children stopped, and looked all around; but no source could be
Then, there came the explosion. It felt like they were swimming in energy. They were
19
Starr heaved himself up from the wall. They all slowly uncovered their ears; but then wished that
they hadn’t: the silence was almost as unbearable as the noise. The noise was still ringing in their
ears. The whole thing had only taken three minutes, and the explosion had only taken half a
minute. They stared at each other, unable to talk, or to even think of something to say, for what
seemed like a long time. In reality couldn’t have been more than fifteen seconds. Simon had no idea
what had happened. All he knew was he was bruised all over, his ears were ringing like crazy, and
he had a splitting headache. He also now knew what it felt like to be completely scared out of his
wits. As a matter of fact, he was to try to say that, when there came a dull thump from above. They
all jumped. The thumping was interrupted by a loud whirring noise, and a distinct burning smell.
Mr. Starr, who still remembered when his house burned down, nervously limped over to
Simon and Edmund. Still partially watching the ceiling, he panted to them, “what—cough cough—do
you think was going on, pant? It seems like, pant pant, someone was on the roof, pant cough cough-
and they’re trying to burn down the house! I’m going to- croak- tell Mother, Edmund, and your, your
parents, Sssimon. While I’m doing that, go back to your, pant, your room: we can talk later.” Simon,
however, was very reluctant to leave his spot; he felt, almost instinctively, that something much more
important than a robbery, or the house being burned, was underfoot. Mr. Starr gave them a look,
and then slowly limped away. Edmund gave Simon a questioning look, too: very similar to his dads,
Simon thought, with an uneasy feeling.
Edmund said, “We probably should be getting back to our room. I mean, what if someone
was trying to break into the house. And what in the world was that humming!?! I felt like my head
was going to explode!” He then promptly groaned, sank to the floor, and clutched his head in pain.
Bad headaches were starting.
Simon, who also had a bad headache, would have been glad to follow suit. But he decided
he was going to find out what in the world had happened. This was partially to find out what had
happened, and partially because he was a little uneasy with possibly someone on the roof. There
was the sound of feet on the roof- but that’s impossible, since the observatories up there, you
say. Well, that’s what the two of them were thinking; you will understand this later. They looked up,
and way above them, they could hear a curious sound; it was like the sound of a hole being cut
into thick cardboard, with a chainsaw. But it seemed as if the ceiling was being cut open, by some
unseen force; that’s when they all jumped back in surprise. A long, metal blade had pierced through
the ceiling, and was cutting a large hole in it! Dust rained down on them like snowflakes, and even
from their safe distance they were soon coated in the stuff.
Simon felt like something horrible was happening, and wished he could do something. He
was the least affected of the three: the encounter with The Token had changed how he thought
pain. You could say that his sense of pain was dulled, which, as you will see, will help him in many a
tight spot.
Aha! Thought Simon. I know what I can do! And without knowing what he was doing,
reached into his pocket and withdrew The Token.
This time, The Token awakened as if he had commanded it too come to life. Simon felt a
sudden jolt of adrenalin rush through his body, and his brain go into combat mode. Know he thought
over it, he hadn't even know he had a combat part of his brain. Either he had always had it, but
never had to use it, or The Token had developed it into Simons mind. Simon stood tall and straight,
with his hand raised in front of him, with The Token help forward like the great power that it was.
Edmund gaped at Simon: his face was in a gruesome expression, proud and stern, like an ageless
king going into battle. There was a silence, where the only noise was the sound of the cutting. And
20
then, at last, the cut fell upon the ground, a perfect circle. There came a clicking sound, like millions
of robotic spiders trying to force their way through the hole. A red light blazed forth, and a foul stench
blasted them in the face. And still Simon stood strong. The Token churned and swirled, and a golden
light sprang from within, in response. The hall was cast in evil looking shadows: Edmund crept back
against the wall, a look of terror mirrored in both of his widely opened eyes. And that was when the
unimaginable happened. Simon’s father walked into the hall, in time to see a long, robotic arm came
through a hole that it had cut in the ceiling.
He gasped, fainted, and fell with a cry upon the floor in a dead heap. You would have too, if
you had had a nightmare and was going to get a glass of water, and then saw a robotic arm coming
through your ceiling. Edmund was the only one to notice; Simon was preoccupied. From nowhere,
a string of complicated numbers and patterns swirled before his eyes. They swirled faster and
faster, until, with an explosion of light and sound, The Token blasted a ball of golden energy at the
arm. With lightning fast reflexes, it fired a smaller bolt of red energy directly into the golden ball. A
massive blast of heat flung Simon off his feet and against the wall. Edmund, already against the wall,
was flung sideways into the door frame. Dr. Photon, a limp but very much alive body, was thrown
through the doorway and against another wall a good thirty feet away. He collapsed on the ground in
a heap, again.
Simon was hardly conscious. He tried to rise to his feet, but in vain. He feebly lifted his
hand (he had not let go of The Token) and fired a curious looking, knotted rope of green gas. It
acted very much like a lasso, and rapped the robotic arm to the door handle of a nearby door. It
then proceeded to seep into every crack and crevice of the metal. A hissing sound could be heard,
like the sound of strong acid dissolving tinfoil. The arm flailed, and fired bright red balls of energy
in random directions: but it could not escape. It slowly stopped flailing, and then stopped moving
altogether, and hung still. Simon still struggled to remain awake, but slowly slipped into oblivion. He
felt that they had won. He was to find out that this was not so.
There came a loud grunting sound, and the noise of metal against metal. Simon feebly
looked up, and saw a massive man fall through the hole and fling the arm aside. He was tall, nearly
seven six, and seemed to be made of metal. His arms ended in flat, cannon like cylinders, and one
of his legs was a metal pole. His eyes were glass balls, tinted red, with fisheye lenses inside. He
was bald, and wore a black hat like a sailor captain’s hat. He walked with a limp, but was still very
menacing. He said something in a strange language, which sounded like gibberish: what he said
was this:
"Futurum, hic ar quid durum, quid opus spiritu humilitatis Force field vix satis firmus parum
temporis impetum potentia, et brachium prohibere poterat, nisi. Quis ego volo hominem invenire!
Ahh est."
I believe that was Latin, but I’m not completely sure: if it was, it was spoken in a very strong
accent. Anyway, even if it was Latin, what happened next was still as horrible as if he had, say,
spoken German or Spanish. He had been turning this way and that, and then finally, at the end of
his speech, (as if coming to a decision) walked over to Dr. Photon, and roughly grabbed him by the
arm. He dragged him toward the hole in the ceiling where, Simon realized, a latter was coming down
out of the hole. Simon tried to yell something, but all he could say was “no! Whaa...?” before he fell
back down upon the ground. Edmund, less wounded, struggled to his feet in the hope of somehow
helping: all that happened was he got shoved back down to the ground in a painful fashion. He gave
a cry, and was still. Now the giant was climbing the latter. Simon, in a last desperate attack, lifted up
The Token, and blasted a quivering arrow of light toward the giant. There was a blinding explosion,
and Simon lay still at last. Darkness engulfed him, and his vision went black.
21
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there! I'm here for the review you requested. I skimmed through the first couple of chapters, but I may have missed something, so bear with me.
You've got a pretty strong story going on here. Some of the technology confuses me, like the token and whatever the heck was attacking them at the end of the chapter, but I'm sure you explain all that later.
You've also got some pretty weird formatting - for some reason every one of your lines is double-spaced. I recommend changing that since it's pretty hard to read.
Story-wise, I'm enjoying this, but the ending was a quite confusing. I wasn't sure what was happening, and it took me a couple read-throughs to understand that a robot was attacking them. It was the nature of the robots weapons and what the Token was doing that made me confused, so again, probably a technology issue.
8:45 seems like a ridiculously early bedtime to me, since they're both in their mid-teens. I know that one of them gets up early, but I get up at 5:00 am and don't go to bed until 9:30 or 10:00. I'm also confused as to why they didn't have enough time to get their homework done the day before.
Another thing I was confused by was the whole missed-the-alarm thing. I understand accidentally setting it to a.m. instead of p.m. (in fact, I did that just yesterday!) but I don't understand why they wanted to get up at 11:45 pm. Were they going to do their homework for a few hours and then go back to sleep? Why not just get up at 3 or 4 and do homework until they have to leave?
Some of your paragraphs cut off randomly and don't connect to the next paragraph at all. I have no idea what happened, so I'll just point those out for you.
I think that's all, but you might want to double-check to be sure. Also, are the random numbers footnotes that you're going to add in later?
One last thing -
The panting and coughing is really unnecessary - it makes it feel comedic and overblown. You can just simulate the coughing with dashes. For example: "go back - to your - your room - we can talk later."
Overall, I quite like what you have going here. Your characters are pretty strong and realistic, and I like the narrator's voice. Although I haven't picked up much of the plot, it seems interesting. Good luck with getting this published!
Hey Storm~
I've read through the other reviews, so I'll try not to repeat.
I absolutely adore the glimpse you gave us of Mr. Starr. I think the man is wonderful. I want to know more about him. You've made him unique. Right now I personally think he has the most characterization of the entire cast of characters. That's good for Mr. Starr, but it also means you could up the ante with your other characters.
I notice you get to and too confused quite a bit in this chapter. Too's only purpose is to stand in for also. Maybe this source would help. To, too, and two is addressed toward the bottom of the article. I also noticed some instances where you confused where, were and know, now. I think that's just fingers going too fast, and you should be able to fix it with a quick proofread.
I think the homework part of this scene drags on way too long. It's more than half. The important, exciting part of this chapter is set to the side because of homework which is really boring even with the shenanigans going on. Simon's reaction to a sleepy Edmund being slow to want to do homework at 4:30 in the morning (the fact that both boys incorrectly set their alarms seems a little too coincidental for me) doesn't make sense. Surely he could do the homework by himself. Edmund had been capable of doing it alone. Edmund's decision to play a game also doesn't really make sense. Especially when he has Simon spazzing over him.
I'd suggest you cut at least half of everything regarding the homework. It's simply not as important as the amount of space you give it seems to imply. Also think hard about how realistic the boys' reactions/plans are. They don't seem believable to me.
The mystery of this Token deepens, and now Edmund knows Simon's secret! I'm excited to see the plot progress. I'll cover Chapter 22 either later today or tomorrow.
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know,
Megs~
'Each claimed it was the others fault.' - this should be 'other's'.

'What Simon saw was had short hair' - I think you've missed something out here.
'then he would deal out the punishment. How' - what happened to the rest of this sentence?
'Where you coming up to check on our homework?' - 'where' should be 'were'.
'was wondering when it would come; the comeback.' - semi-colons can only be used when the clause on either side could stand on its own as a sentence.
'Simon too like' - this should be single 'o' to.
'some comic' - this should be plural 'comics'.
'some instinct in Simon’s brain made him wake up' - you forgot the capital letter for 'Some'.
'said in a sleepily' - take out 'in a'.
'they went too it' - wrong 'too'. It should be 'to'.
'but he stayed for a while to listen for a while' - take out one of the 'for a while's.
'Mr. Starr was to walk away, when he heard the sound of paper rustling and low voices saying something Latin conjugation.' - put in 'about' between 'was' and 'to'. Also 'about' between 'something' and 'Latin'.
Okay, I've now seen that you have two reviews on this now, so I'll stop with the nit-picks. I'll go onto plot stuff, once I've finished reading it.
Your characterisation is excellent. I haven't read the other parts but I got a clear sense of the characters from this. I also like the parts where you speak directly to the reader, but try not to make yourself too involved in the story e.g. your thoughts about the Latin.
I'm a little lost in the plot, which would definitely be helped if you split this into paragraphs. Also, proofread what you write because the word processor has done a really weird text wrap and the words are skipping lines and going in weird places.
Well done!
Hello.
Do be warned I haven't read previous parts. I'm just going to point out some issues I noticed in this chapter for you to fix up in later ones.
Firstly, your dialogue punctuation. Lines like this:
Are incorrect. It should be:
You can find out more about dialogue punctuation here.
Next up, your prose itself. Now, like I said, I haven't read previous chapters, but you have a style here that makes it rather difficult for me to get into your prose for one main reason: you tell about emotions way more than you show.
Telling is fine to recap events. However, when talking about how characters show emotions, showing is much better. The difference is between saying a character looks angry and saying a character's lips were pressed so tightly together they were white.
So little things like "when Simon didn’t see his dad standing in the doorway, he was very alarmed" or "Mr. Starr could instantly tell that Simon was trying to conceal something", are telling, instead of showing.
Now, telling is perfectly fine to get words out on the page when you're stuck, but when you're looking to make the story a lot better, showing emotions is the way to go. A simple way to do that would be asking yourself "why do they look like that?"
The wonderful part about showing emotions is, you open yourself up to a lot more nuances in character development. A person can be alarmed in a whole host of ways, from straightening their spine and sucking in a breath, to having their eyes widen and taking a step back, to jumping back and yelping. The first comes from somebody rather restrained, the middle is somebody who shows visible emotions, while the third one is somebody extremely jumpy. Each reaction is "alarmed", and there are many more that I didn't list, but which type of alarmed a character is determines so much about their emotional reactions and characterizes them in really subtle ways.
Find all your sentences you use "emotional shorthand" as I like to call it and answer the question "why do they look like that?" or "why can they tell?" It will help get your characters a lot more fleshed out and make them more relatable.
Finally, I find you jump around point of views a lot. You're in three characters' heads, showing the scene from an all seeing point of view (the summary at the beginning), to Simon, to Edmund, to Mr. Starr. I personally prefer picking one perspective and sticking to it, but a good omniscient point of view can work if you flesh out the story enough. I think that a lot of my issues with the omniscient is the fact you are so tell-y that there's no connection and the floating around is jarring. If you improved the emotional reactions, then I think the omniscient perspective would work better.
Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
First, I love that you named this chapter after Pie, it's adorable.
If you cut out the word had, the sentence still makes sense.I'm going to jump in and give the nitpicks:
Maybe it would be helpful to think of telling and showing as spoilers. Telling is giving us spoilers. Showing is letting us see or read the thing ourselves. Don't tell us the plan failed, let us think it might succeed and then let us in on the moment when it does fail. If it's a scene you don't want to flesh out then you can just summarize/tell, but you want to avoid summarizing scenes as much as possible. If you can summarize it, then maybe you don't really need it.
Remember to indent your paragraphs. it's so much easier to read something when it'sin proper format.
There are so words you rarely need to use in writing, espcically description, because they weaken the sentence rather than strengthen, and you can take them out without ruining the meaning. Very is one of them, so is really, that, actually, etc...
You need a comma after said.
Should be ladder...
Once again, the beginning of this chapter dragged. My first thought was to cut the homework scene, but I can see why you might want to keep it, but you defintely need to cut sections out so we get to the action quicker. It felt like he found the token, and then it was too long before he did something with it. You should close that get.
Your writing strength really showed through in those last paragraphs. It was intense, well-written, and well-paced, you need more scenes like that in your book.