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The Day that Man Won (Introduction)

by Stormblessed242


You've seen battles. Whether it be in real life or in fiction and entertainment, you've seen battles. But what do you actually see when you watch a battle? No doubt you see the heroic deaths, the sacrifices of a comrade for his brother, the victories as one man is enough to turn the tide, or a soldier with perfect timing comes to save the day. But what else is there, hidden among the chaos? Do you see the women and children, cut down as the enemy mercilessly rides through? Do you see the blood that flows through the streets, proclaiming the cost of war? Do you see the wounded soldier, dying slowly, abandoned in the retreat? Or that moment of silence, as a comrade watches his closest friend be cut down by an enemy blade simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Do your eyes catch the momentary fear on a soldiers face right as they realize they are about to die? Do you see the man huddled in a corner, eyes vacant for fear of what he's seen? That man is not a coward, nor is he weak. Life simply cannot prepare you for what you will see as you fight for your life in the midst of a thousand others also fighting for their lives. 

This story is about one such battle. The kingdom of Namor has stood strong during the years of ominous silence from their enemy, the Gorlacs. The Gorlacs are monstrous creatures, a mix between man and beast. Long, matted hair covers their head, and their long arms carry fearsome weapons of doom. Now these horrors approach the Namorian fortress of Cal-din. Cal-din is built into the side of a cliff, with three stepped layers, each heavily fortified. The Namorian soldiers stand on the walls and in the courtyard, anxiously waiting for the storm to break. Their dark blue armour shines in the morning sun, and their banner flies overhead, the golden eagle soaring on a blue background. They face the hardest battle in the history of Namor. Many will die. A high price will be paid for victory. But these men are all that stand between the Gorlacs and the fate of the world.


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Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:04 am
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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hi, @Stormblessed242. I'm here for a short review.
I love the story you wrote here! I really enjoy reading this and I think it was a beautiful piece of an intro. I really got me hooked. Although reading this story made me kind of think if this prologue more like then an intro, but it could be used in both ways so I don't think that matter that much. Anyways, let's start this!


You've seen battles. Whether it be in real life or in fiction and entertainment, you've seen battles. But what do you actually see when you watch a battle? No doubt you see the heroic deaths, the sacrifices of a comrade for his brother, the victories as one man is enough to turn the tide, or a soldier with perfect timing comes to save the day. But what else is there, hidden among the chaos? Do you see the women and children, cut down as the enemy mercilessly rides through? Do you see the blood that flows through the streets, proclaiming the cost of war? Do you see the wounded soldier, dying slowly, abandoned in the retreat? Or that moment of silence, as a comrade watches his closest friend be cut down by an enemy blade simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Do your eyes catch the momentary fear on a soldiers face right as they realize they are about to die? Do you see the man huddled in a corner, eyes vacant for fear of what he's seen? That man is not a coward, nor is he weak. Life simply cannot prepare you for what you will see as you fight for your life in the midst of a thousand others also fighting for their lives.


Do your eyes catch the momentary fear on a soldiers face right as they realize they are about to die?


You should use a comma and quotation mark here, it's really a good intro but I thought maybe you still need someone to criticisms and suggest a few things.

[quote]
Do your eyes catch the monetary fear on a soldier's face, right as they realize they are about to die?[/qoute]

[quote]
This story is about one such battle. The kingdom of Namor has stood strong during the years of ominous silence from their enemy, the Gorlacs. The Gorlacs are monstrous creatures, a mix between man and beast. Long, matted hair covers their head, and their long arms carry fearsome weapons of doom. Now these horrors approach the Namorian fortress of Cal-din. Cal-din is built into the side of a cliff, with three stepped layers, each heavily fortified. The Namorian soldiers stand on the walls and in the courtyard, anxiously waiting for the storm to break. Their dark blue armour shines in the morning sun, and their banner flies overhead, the golden eagle soaring on a blue background. They face the hardest battle in the history of Namor. Many will die. A high price will be paid for victory. But these men are all that stand between the Gorlacs and the fate of the world. [/qoute]

I think you've really created an interesting enemy and I'm very excited to read the next story. I love this battle that is ranging on and on and on. This story was very dramatic and excited in both ways. I never stop to bring the reader down with a sign thinking how it was suddenly fun and suddenly turn into dull meaningless words. I love how you keep the tension going it's a beautiful sight.

Overall, this is really a beautiful intro and I'd love to read more of this story. Again, I love this tension you've built here, it's amazing!

Thank you for writing this!
You made my day!

Keep on writing!

Best wishes,
Chris

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Fri Sep 18, 2020 1:09 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hi @Stormblessed. RadDog here! I'll be reviewing your piece The Day That Man Won today. I really like the premise of the story. You're intro was really good and got me hooked. It was almost a prologue.

You've seen battles. Whether it be in real life or in fiction and entertainment, you've seen battles. But what do you actually see when you watch a battle? No doubt you see the heroic deaths, the sacrifices of a comrade for his brother, the victories as one man is enough to turn the tide, or a soldier with perfect timing comes to save the day. But what else is there, hidden among the chaos? Do you see the women and children, cut down as the enemy mercilessly rides through? Do you see the blood that flows through the streets, proclaiming the cost of war? Do you see the wounded soldier, dying slowly, abandoned in the retreat? Or that moment of silence, as a comrade watches his closest friend be cut down by an enemy blade simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Do your eyes catch the momentary fear on a soldiers face right as they realize they are about to die? Do you see the man huddled in a corner, eyes vacant for fear of what he's seen? That man is not a coward, nor is he weak. Life simply cannot prepare you for what you will see as you fight for your life in the midst of a thousand others also fighting for their lives.

This is a great paragraph to start with. It really tapped into me and made me think. The was you described battles was truly astounding. However, I would recommend trying to break this down. It could be new sentences, or new paragraphs. Just something to help it flow a little better.

This story is about one such battle. The kingdom of Namor has stood strong during the years of ominous silence from their enemy, the Gorlacs. The Gorlacs are monstrous creatures, a mix between man and beast. Long, matted hair covers their head, and their long arms carry fearsome weapons of doom. Now these horrors approach the Namorian fortress of Cal-din. Cal-din is built into the side of a cliff, with three stepped layers, each heavily fortified. The Namorian soldiers stand on the walls and in the courtyard, anxiously waiting for the storm to break. Their dark blue armour shines in the morning sun, and their banner flies overhead, the golden eagle soaring on a blue background. They face the hardest battle in the history of Namor. Many will die. A high price will be paid for victory. But these men are all that stand between the Gorlacs and the fate of the world.

OK, this is amazing. it really led me into the story well. I enjoyed learning about Namor and the Gorlacs. Just a few criticisms; you misspelled armor (just a little thing). And again it felt a little clunky, try breaking it down. Also, this is a fantasy piece, that's relieved in the second paragraph. I would like some more hints in the first paragraph for the theme. Overall, this is an amazing start and I'll be reviewing the rest of this mini series today. Until then, have a good day and happy writing!

-RadDog




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Wed Sep 02, 2020 5:28 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to review you little introduction...let us see what we can make of this.

First Impression: This is a really cool looking idea. And this definitely does a good job of selling said idea. You've actually managed to avoid an overly large info dump which is very nice to see. It never felt like it was boring. Anyways more nitpicky things below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

You've seen battles. Whether it be in real life or in fiction and entertainment, you've seen battles. But what do you actually see when you watch a battle? No doubt you see the heroic deaths, the sacrifices of a comrade for his brother, the victories as one man is enough to turn the tide, or a soldier with perfect timing comes to save the day. But what else is there, hidden among the chaos? Do you see the women and children, cut down as the enemy mercilessly rides through? Do you see the blood that flows through the streets, proclaiming the cost of war? Do you see the wounded soldier, dying slowly, abandoned in the retreat? Or that moment of silence, as a comrade watches his closest friend be cut down by an enemy blade simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Do your eyes catch the momentary fear on a soldiers face right as they realize they are about to die? Do you see the man huddled in a corner, eyes vacant for fear of what he's seen? That man is not a coward, nor is he weak. Life simply cannot prepare you for what you will see as you fight for your life in the midst of a thousand others also fighting for their lives.


The question mark to fullstop ratio in that paragraph is astronomically high there. At the moment this is sounding like you're trying to pitch an idea to someone or doing a commercial but nonetheless this is definitely a set of very intriguing questions that are definitely making for a very attention grabby start. (This means I must know more!!!)

This story is about one such battle. The kingdom of Namor has stood strong during the years of ominous silence from their enemy, the Gorlacs. The Gorlacs are monstrous creatures, a mix between man and beast. Long, matted hair covers their head, and their long arms carry fearsome weapons of doom. Now these horrors approach the Namorian fortress of Cal-din. Cal-din is built into the side of a cliff, with three stepped layers, each heavily fortified. The Namorian soldiers stand on the walls and in the courtyard, anxiously waiting for the storm to break. Their dark blue armour shines in the morning sun, and their banner flies overhead, the golden eagle soaring on a blue background. They face the hardest battle in the history of Namor. Many will die. A high price will be paid for victory. But these men are all that stand between the Gorlacs and the fate of the world.


And now this turns into a premise. Now neither of these things are bad things to have, I'm just pointing them out cause it doesn't sound like one seamless introduction at least to me but whatever it is it's doing a really good job of making you want to read more.

So in this one I have a bunch of errors that is autocorrect is pointing out but I think that's cause you've used British English so I won't be mentioning those.

The description of the beasts: Its a little short. Especially saying "weapons of doom" is just a really ambiguous thing it could be anything from a cheese grater to a grenade launcher so that one might need to be a wee bit more specific. The soldiers however are described pretty well. The whole battle scene vibe to this is set up quite nicely and then the last few lines are doing a nice job of leaving us off with some thing to look forward to. The one issue there is that I think those last couple of line should be their own paragraph. They are talking of something different and I think they would also have more "Oomph" as a separate paragraph.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall its pretty well done. The one improvement I think this could really benefit from would be dividing this into four paragraphs instead of the two like I've mentioned above just to make it have a little bit more of an impact and be a little easier to read. I hope we get to see this story soon!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

P.S. 'Tis a pretty cool banner and I though what better review to use this in.

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Thanks for the great review!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!



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Wed Jul 29, 2020 9:56 am
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deleted18 wrote a review...



Greetings, fellow author!

Allow me to commend you for choosing the non-Hugo path of describing warfare. Hugo regarded war as a generator of energies, a mystifying force that is pure at its core, but sullied by the hearts of man. Granted he lived in an era where by blood and sword revolutions were fought and won, but little did he know that wasn't all there was to it. Anyhow, French Romanticism reminiscing aside, let's dive in, shall we.

First off, I thoroughly enjoy the title. The synecdoche in it, really talks to the dehumanising aspect of war, wherein soldiers become nothing but commodities, numbers strewn across the battlefield. Besides, the double entendre is brilliant too, where 'Man' refers both to the actual mankind as well as the humane.

I would advise you to break your first paragraph into two since there are quite long, and tackle multiple, different ideas. Personally, I'd insert one after "But what else is there, hidden among the chaos?" That felt like a good time to switch gears.

I would also advise you to reread the first paragraph a little bit, iron out some spelling ("fear on a soldiers face"), long sentences ("Life simply cannot prepare [...]") and other general expression hazards ("[...] eyes vacant for fear of what he's see?" correct would be 'from' or 'out of')

As for the second paragraph, I feel like it's taking a whole other meaning and approach. It's just exposition masked as description. It feels more like an extract from a game's description book more than anything.

Lastly, I want to make sure you understand what a preface is. It's usually an introductory essay, that contains little to no information about the actual book, but more of what it tackles, how it came into being and credits and thanks. What you've written here is more of a summary, especially with the second paragraph. (Not a prologue either, that's a whole other beast).

I hope that this review hasn't come across as overly harsh, that wasn't my intention. If you need any further clarification, don't hesitate to ask.

Cheers,
Bubbles






Thanks for the great review! Yeah, preface probably want the right word to use, then. What word would you suggest?



deleted18 says...


I was about to say Introduction or Concept Study, but looks like you were faster than me:)






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Wed Jul 29, 2020 7:57 am
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brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello Comrade!
Yes finally a horror of war story. A topic that I really enjoy reading about, but have trouble finding and writing. Kudos to you for taking on the challenge of breaking down the true violent nature of war. Anyway on with the review.

Do you see the man huddled in a corner, eyes vacant for fear of what he's seen? That man is not a coward, nor is he weak. Life simply cannot prepare you for what you will see as you fight for your life in the midst of a thousand others also fighting for their lives.

This is true i have known people who have seen the horrors of war and they just aren't... right, i guess.

The Gorlacs are monstrous creatures, a mix between man and beast. Long, matted hair covers their head, and their long arms carry fearsome weapons of doom.

An interesting enemy you have created here I am excited to see how you portray them.

Overall a really interesting preface to your story, its written well and the flow is good. its a bit short and feels a little like an info dump but i like it nonetheless. I'm really excited to read the continuation of this story. Please tag me for the next chapter :)
Keep writing!
-brotherGeo






Thanks for the great review! This was supposed to be an info dump so I could focus more on the story in the next part.



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Wed Jul 29, 2020 5:52 am
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tellme wrote a review...



Hello Stormblessed242, can I say I really enjoyed reading this. I enjoyed the way you direct the reader to know about behind the scenes.

Alrighty let’s get to the review.

I noticed a few misspelling errors.

“No doubt you see the heroic deaths, the sacrifices of a comrade for his brother, the victories as one man is enough to turn the tide, or a soldier with perfect timing comes to save to day.”
There is nothing wrong with this sentence until the end. It might have been a slip on the fingers, “to day” you might have meant “today.” a common mistake that can be fixed pretty fast.

Also “They kingdom of Namor has stood strong during the years of ominous silence from their enemy, the Gorlacs.”
You might want to change “They” to “The” since you are specifying one and not many.

Overall I really enjoyed your short story. Please keep up the great work, I’ll be looking forward to reading more of your works.

Until then I'll see you around =)






Thank for the great review!
Thanks for poi tong those errors out, they're just mistypes




It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming