z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Silent Battlefield

by Overwatchful


Soren stood in the middle of the battlefield, surveying the silent carnage. Corpses lay everywhere, bodies broken and pierced. Not a soul moved for miles around him. Far to his left, the quiet castle stood, purple in the setting sun. A slight breeze rustled his ruby red hair, and his bloodstained cloak brushed against his leg. 

It had been a long, painful battle, and Soren was exhausted. His body ached from cuts and bruises that covered his skin. He had refused the healers, insisting that they tend to the wounded on the battlefield first, allies and enemies alike.

He knew that he should rest with what remained of his army, but he couldn't yet. Too many things were running through his mind.

Soren walked foward, towards the large sword planted point first in the ground. Its hilt was blue, with a large sapphire embedded on the crosspiece. His brothers sword. Soren had planted it there, right after running his brothers chest through with it. 

He knelt sorrowfully before it, resting his own thin sword on the ground next to him. The hilt on his was long, with rubies on the end and on the crosspiece. It was a beautiful sword, made by the finest swordsmiths. But there was blood on it, the bright color matching the rubies.

"I'm sorry, Kalim, my brother." Soren whispered "I'm sorry that it had to be this way. It had to be done."

He bowed his head a moment, then stood. As he surveyed the battlefield once more, he felt his eyes begin to sting, and a sob begin to build in his throat.

Was this all worth it? He asked himself sorrowfully. So much death. My father, Kalim...

Tears finally flowed down his cheeks as he remembered his father. His father had been tall, and powerfully built. He'd had red hair like Sorens', but brown eyes like Kalim. But he'd died early in the battle, leaving Soren to take the lead. Soren had not yet had time to let reality sink in. He would never see his father or brother again.

His vision blurred, and reached up to wipe the tears away, then stopped as he saw something gliding in the air towards him.

What is that?

It was a small butterfly, vibrantly blue and purple in color, a spot of beauty admist the destruction.

Soren gently extended his hand, and to his surprise, the butterfly landed on it, closing its wings to rest. Soren slowly brought his gauntleted hand closer to his face. His vision cleared, and he felt a sense of wonder at the beauty of the sunset, the clouds reflecting its colors, and the small creature resting on his fingers. A feeling of peace washed over him, and resolve grew in his heart. 

Yes, he thought, it was worth it. We are finally at peace once again.

Even with so much loss, Soren knew, in his heart, the long awaited dream of peace that had once belonged to his father, had finally come true.

                    _________________________

A note. 

This story was inspired by a picture on a coloring app called Happy Color. If you want to see it, I'll post it on my page.


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Sat Jul 18, 2020 11:41 pm
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Rosewood wrote a review...



Wow, this was really captivating! The wording was well chosen, the character Soren was believable, and the sentence structures were beautiful. I love the ark in which he, (Soren), went from being utterly exhausted from the battle to using that to channel his sorrow and loss and then again to peaceful acceptance.

Though, sorry for a bit of nitpicking, but there were a couple small errors.

* There is a missing apostrophe in "His brothers sword."
* I'm not sure, but should "Soren whispered" have a period after it if it's between dialogue?

Overall, a great and entertaining story, especially for it's length. But I agree with a few of the other people who reviewed saying "It should be longer." There is so much potential for your readers to connect more with Soren if you gave him a bit more of a backstory.




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Tue Jul 14, 2020 1:33 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



I love when things just suddenly give you inspiration to write a piece. I think this is an interesting story but because its foundation is the relationships within this family, I think it needs to be a longer piece to really fit the emotion into it.

I did make a little gasp when he said he had killed his brother. I think, if you enjoyed writing this piece, you could totally delve more into this story. Even the specifics of the two different swords makes it feel like there is a wider story here that needs to be explored.

Or even just making this piece a bit longer - like explain what the battle was about. Is this family important? If so, why?

Nice piece!




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Tue Jul 14, 2020 4:35 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey Storm, here I come to review your novel!

To begin with, I'm impressed by how you wrote a really simple short story based on a picture that conveyed little. You added your own elements and changed others, and overall you've done a good job.
However, there are a couple of things I'd like to say:

Far to his left, the quiet castle stood, purple in the setting sun.

Why do you say purple? I looked at the picture myself, and it isn't really purple. I also think that isn't a very good way to describe what it looked like, there's too much of a fairy-tale element when you use colours not associated with castles.

And rather than saying "quietly stood", I think you could rephrase it like this: "the castle stood silently." It sounds a bit better, and more solemn, as befits the setting.

He knew that he should rest with what remained of his army, but he couldn't yet. Too many things were running through his mind.

Remember what I said about your story being short? Here, it falls too short. Give us a description of the battlefield, the dead, their surroundings; I noticed mountains in the picture, for example.

with a large sapphire

Don't repeat the word "large" so soon. Perhaps you could describe the gem as an "egg-sized sapphire" or something. I mean, you can be as creative as you want.

"I'm sorry, Kalim, my brother." Soren whispered "I'm sorry that it had to be this way. It had to be done."

Why? Why is any of this happening? Why was there a battle? Why was it fought here, outside a castle when it would have been a huge advantage to whoever held it? Why did Soren's father support him and not Kalim? Too many questions. I understand you wrote this on a picture, but it needs more detail. The reader can't be dropped right into the middle of a story and completely like it without any context whatsoever.
And why is this marked as fantasy? I don't see elements of fantasy or magic, other than a brightly coloured butterfly.

he saw something gliding in the air towards him.

Since it's a butterfly, maybe you could find a better word, like flitting to describe its movement.

It was a small butterfly, vibrantly blue and purple in color, a spot of beauty admist the destruction.

Very nice, this was my favourite line. It has a good image, too.
*You misspelled amidst as amist
This isn't really related to the story itself, but the picture; there are actually no signs of destruction. Sure, there's a couple of swords sticking out of the ground and some thin, rectangular grey objects that can be taken for spears or something, but nothing else. He could have killed just one person, judging from the blood on his sword.
I only brought this up because you based it off the picture.


Even with so much loss, Soren knew, in his heart, the long awaited dream of peace that had once belonged to his father, had finally come true.

There needn't be a comma after "father."
While a lovely line, this seems strange to me. It gives me the impression that Kalim has been waging war for a long time; if so, why would Soren love him as much as he does? Yes, they're brothers, but in feudal dynasties these things didn't matter that much.


Well, that's all. Apart from this, I found the writing elegant and neat, with nice imagery and diction. This story has a lot of potential; brother-fighting-brother, a long war, possibly happy childhood, etc. You can work on this.

I hope you found my review useful in some way!

- Lee




steffenate says...


Here to give you a review:

Pros:
Punctuation is clear and concise and the structure is on point.
It is very cool that you drew inspiration from an image to write this story, it is like attributing one form of art to another.
The story is very good, the diction is used in a way that we or I imagined a battlefield of dead warriors.
The use of a specific colour purple is helpful in additional imagery and has its own connotations.
Cons:
The length of the story isn't ideal. I hope you've got something else coming which expands on Kalim and Soren. Eg: Why they are fighting? The political climate of the family and who they are fighting.

Conclusion:
It is a cool story with a nice message. Theres gotta be more though!



Overwatchful says...


Thanks for the review, Lee! I took some creative license with the picture, and added the bodies because there app I got it from is not going to add real carnage(I even added the blood on his sword and face myself!)
Fantasy isn't limited to magic, things labeled fantasy usually happen in a medieval like setting, regardless of the magical state of the world.
Any ways, thanks again for the review, (you too steffenate, though I'm not sure why you posted your review where you did.)



LittleLee says...


I'm glad to be of help.
Actually, fantasy needs something, anything unreal; otherwise it comes under some other branch of fiction. I can tell this is fantasy, but I'm saying you need to make it a little clearer, that's all!

@steffenate , when you want to write a review for someone's work, look for the big box directly under the work saying "Leave a comment or review." I think you accidentally replied to my review, which means it won't be counted as a review and you won't get any points. If you have any other doubts, feel free to ask me!



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Mon Jul 13, 2020 7:11 pm
Chaton15 says...



Here to give a review! :)

So first of all, I was deeply impressed by the way this was written. There was amazing detail, beautiful description, and the overall writing was amazing. Well, I say "first of all," when the only error I noticed was a minor punctuation error that can easily be fixed. ;) This was a short read, and as you pointed out, was written from inspiration of a picture (I know that feeling ;D), but you did an excellent job at translating it into words. I've never seen the picture, but by reading this, I can almost see it.

Great job!




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Mon Jul 13, 2020 7:10 pm
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Chaton15 wrote a review...



Here to give a review! :)

So first of all, I was deeply impressed by the way this was written. There was amazing detail, beautiful description, and the overall writing was amazing. Well, I say "first of all," when the only error I noticed was a minor punctuation error that can easily be fixed. ;) This was a short read, and as you pointed out, was written from inspiration of a picture (I know that feeling ;D), but you did an excellent job at translating it into words. I've never seen the picture, but by reading this, I can almost see it.

Great job!




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Mon Jul 13, 2020 5:46 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! Harry here to leave a review courtesy of The After Watch.

First Impression: Well that was a nice little short story there. Carries a nice message and leaves a pretty good impact on the reader.

Anyway let's get to some nitpicks,

Soren stood in the middle of the battlefield, surveying the silent carnage. Corpses lay everywhere, bodies broken and pierced. Not a soul moved for miles around him. Far to his left, the quiet castle stood, purple in the setting sun. A slight breeze rustled his ruby red hair, and his bloodstained cloak brushed against his leg.


This is some great description here to set the scene for the story.

Soren walked foward, towards the large sword planted point first in the ground. Its hilt was blue, with a large sapphire embedded on the crosspiece. His brothers sword. Soren had planted it there, right after running his brothers chest through with it.


A beautiful image there with the sword and a very shocking reveal right there.

Tears finally flowed down his cheeks as he remembered his father. His father had been tall, and powerfully built. He'd had red hair like Sorens', but brown eyes like Kalim. But he'd died early in the battle, leaving Soren to take the lead. Soren had not yet had time to let reality sink in. He would never see his father or brother again.


For a short scene this does a really good job of capturing our main character's emotion so great job there.

It was a small butterfly, vibrantly blue and purple in color, a spot of beauty admist the destruction.

Soren gently extended his hand, and to his surprise, the butterfly landed on it, closing its wings to rest. Soren slowly brought his gauntleted hand closer to his face. His vision cleared, and he felt a sense of wonder at the beauty of the sunset, the clouds reflecting its colors, and the small creature resting on his fingers. A feeling of peace washed over him, and resolve grew in his heart.

Yes, he thought, it was worth it. We are finally at peace once again.

Even with so much loss, Soren knew, in his heart, the long awaited dream of peace that had once belonged to his father, had finally come true.


And such a beautiful ending. I love that very simple image you use to describe that peace has indeed been attained. It is a nice little ending to this piece.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: This is a really powerful piece for something that's so short. It does a great capturing Soren's emotion and the information given is balanced neatly enough that it doesn't feel like an information dump but we get enough context to understand the actual story.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

This review courtesy of
Image




Overwatchful says...


Thank you so much! I really enjoyed writing this.



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!!



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Riverlight wrote a review...



Hullo from Dixie! This is Vilnius with a review.

I thought this was really lovely. There was only one grammatical error, and it was tiny (I almost missed it myself)--

"His brothers sword."

"Brothers" should be "brother's."

Beyond that, I think that the description of the battle's aftermath was really well done. The reader can easily get an idea of how deadly this particular battle was, even without the details of Soren's father's and brother's deaths.

The butterfly almost made me cry. Almost. It was very touching, a reminder of the life-death-life cycle the world is constantly going through-- especially in this story. Two mighty armies slain with the survivors handling the aftermath... and a butterfly bringing light on the situation at large.




Overwatchful says...


Thank you so much!



Riverlight says...


You're welcome!




One who sits between two chairs may easily fall down.
— Proverb from Romania and Russia