Hey Storm, Apricity here for a review. Sorry it's taken me so long to review this chapter, school has been hectic and I've been struggling to find time to review stuff. Anyways, let's go straight into it.
Hmm, your introduction is good. This is what I like about your writing, you have a smooth and steady pace. Nothing too sudden, too out of the place. Everything flows together cohesively, but you do have a tendency to stop at points where you could have expanded a bit more. To add a bit more vibrancy to the story. Here, you have
. This a pretty cliche term, but I'll forgive you because it has an impact here. Yet, you didn't really expand onto where it took them by storm, and by expanding a bit more you could also reveal perhaps, the prejudice or social hierarchy within your story.'Its arrival took the veterans by storm'
Another thing I want to mention with your writing is this, after reading 3 chapters now. I've noticed that dialogue is probably one of your strongest points, the dialogue you write is realistic and intimate. It feels real, and you've used it in all the right places.
What's lacking is something that Ventomology pointed out, you don't pay a close attention to your character's surroundings. The tone of the chapter feels cold and devoid of emotions to me. Most of the time, it's due to your tendency to state things rather than show them. It's the old show and tell, I'll show you what I mean.
Finally his skill was going to be put to the test. He was going on a raid. Raids were the easiest way to gain experience as a scout, so they were often the first mission new cadets were taken on.
His skill was going to be put to the test, but we don't actually see any emotional response to this. Is he nervous, is he apprehensive, or is he ready to go and pass it with flying colours. The information you've inserted about the raid here borders on info-dumping, I know you want to explain what a raid is, but there are ways to incorporate it. For one instance, Finn and Caden's dialogue swiftly follows that statement, you could incorporate it into part of their conversation. Just so that it appears less like info-dumping if you hide it with emotions and action.
The scolopendra’s emergence drew gasps from the inexperienced Scouts
Something else you might want to look out for is this kind of omniscient observation. Although this is written in 3rd person omniscient, you still want the readers to empathise with Caden and Finn. You used 'inexperienced Scouts', a pretty exclusive term but at the same time Caden and Finn are part of that inexperienced Scouts. Another way you might go about it, would be 'the scolopendra's emergence drew gasps from everyone in the crowd, yet to the veterans this was only just another raid amidst the hundreds they've been to'. The language is rough, but what I'm trying to say is that. You're aiming to show the Scout's inexperiencensss, a way to do it is to contrast it against the skilled Veterans. Rather than stating it plain right.
Another thing here, and this is just a personal opinion. I feel like you haven't explained the actual conjuration of the scolopendra enough. I don't recall any mentions of this in your earlier chapters, so this is the first time we're seeing it. But, we don't get any explanations (I mean I know that the commander is assuming that the Scouts know how a scolopednra is summoned) but the readers don't. It'd be nice if there was just some explanation as to how slitting a deer's carcass (does it have to be a deer, or animal?) would summon the scolopendra. More detailed description of the scolopendra's appearance would be nice too, so that we can see how fearsome it is (so that it elicit fear in the reader's mind)
As I approach the end of the chapter, I've just realised something. Even though this is the Scout's first raid...the Commander didn't go through a plan with them, or strategy on how to attack effectively, what weapons to use etc... given how dangerous scolopendras are in this world. It doesn't seem right that they didn't go over a proper plan before leaving, it's like sending soldiers into war without telling them how and where to fight the enemy. It's suicide. So, I guess this might be something you want to add in when you reedit this novel.
Overall though, I'm really enjoying this novel. The plot is moving forwards, I'm liking the way Finn and Caden interacts with each other (when are you going to introduce new characters though? Please tell me it's soon, I want to see those two interact with others.)
I hope I've helped with this review, if you've got any questions, feel free to send me a PM.
-Apricity
Points: 561
Reviews: 476
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