z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Scolopendra chapter 3

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The first group arrived just before lunch. There were only five new cadets, all female. The veterans didn’t seem pleased with the numbers. They muttered uneasily amongst themselves, sizing up the new arrivals. The other group arrived a few hours later. Its arrival took the veterans by storm. The size of the group was nothing special, only ten trainees. Still, the veterans seemed surprised. Caden managed to glean that the cadets from that group were trained by the inner-capital camp. Where all of the young, privileged future soldiers trained. Most of them were top scorers and joined the military police in Fluapt.

The inner-capital was where all of the richest families in Aurren lived. Carved into the mountain itself, the capital was the safest place from the scolopendra. That was why so many had wondered why he didn’t go, even though he had the score to do so. So many trainees had joined up in hopes that they would be able to go to the capital one day. Caden may have considered it too if he had a family to look after. But he had no ties to the world outside the military. He only had Finn and Finn was with him.

Caden would get no letters from home, he would send no money to his family; he had no one outside of the military who cared for him.

In the days following the arrival of the final cadets, Caden began his life as a Scout. In just two weeks, Caden could successfully execute three different fighting formations in any position, peel a potato in under thirty seconds, and name all of the parts of a scolopendra off of the top of his head. (He should have already known how to do the last one, but biology was not his strongest subject).

Finally his skill was going to be put to the test. He was going on a raid. Raids were the easiest way to gain experience as a scout, so they were often the first mission new cadets were taken on. Otherwise, raids weren’t all that common unless a nest nearby began to get too big, therefore threatening the base.

“What do you think it’ll be like?” Finn asked, strapping his leather breastplate on.

“I dunno,” Caden answered, pulling his off-white military issue undershirt on over his armor.

“Are you afraid to see one again?” Finn asked gently. His eyes shone soft with sympathy, Caden hated it.

“As if,” Caden scoffed. “I can’t wait until I finally kill one of the bastards.” He ground his teeth together in anticipation.

Finn exhaled lightly, combing his blond hair back with his fingers. “Be careful,” Finn pleaded. “Don’t be reckless.”

“I know, I know,” Caden huffed. “You be careful too.”

Finn looked up at Caden from lacing his boots, giving him a faint smile. He stood up, grabbing his cloak from where it sat on the bed, “Come on, the commander won’t be happy with us if we’re late.”

Caden quickly whipped on his cloak, fastening the clasp as he followed Finn out the door of their room. After two weeks of living at the base, it took Caden no time at all to navigate the halls so they found their way to the stables quickly.

Once they were on their horses, Commander Schaefer called for them to move out. The nest they were going to raid was only a few miles away so the ride wasn’t very long. It was almost as if the horses could sense the cadets’ excitement. They snorted and pawed at the ground, kicking up snow and dirt behind them. The nest was just inside a forest that sprawled for miles at the base of the mountains.

The commander pulled his horse to a stop, prompting the cadets to do the same. “This raid is for you to gain experience, so don’t be reckless and do not engage until you have my say so. Do I make myself clear?”

The commander was answered with a loud chorus of ‘yes, sirs’. The commander kicked his horse into movement again, and they entered the forest. Though the sun was high in the sky, the evergreens blocked the majority of the light with their snow laden branches.

The entrance to the nest was almost like a cave. The mouth of the hole was enormous and declined gently into darkness. Commander Schaefer’s voice snapped over forty heads to attention, “Captain Rothenberg is going to draw the scolopendra out, with a deer carcass. As you all should know, their sense of smell is very developed and even though it’s daytime, the scent should draw them out.”

A tall man dragged a large bundle into the clearing before the nest. He uncovered it to reveal the bloated body of a half decayed deer. Captain Rothenberg unsheathed his blade with his right hand, covering his mouth and nose with his left. He raised the blade and cut a slit in the body. He coughed, running back to join the company.

The man took his place beside the commander shaking his head, Caden could just hear what he was saying. “Don’t ever make me do that again,” he grumbled. “The stench was just awful.”

The commander flashed his subordinate with a smug grin, “Well I certainly wasn’t going to do it.”

The captain grumbled, but his eyes never left the clearing. Caden saw the antennae first; huge and spindly, roving the air. Then he saw the head and all those legs. Shivers coursed through his entire body and his stomach twisted itself in knots. It was just like he remembered.

The scolopendra’s emergence drew gasps from the inexperienced Scouts. So many of them had only seen drawings, never the real deal. Caden tried to steady his breathing, but still, his breath came out in shudders, blowing out clouds of vapor.

It seemed to Caden that he would never see the end of it. The tail would never come, it would just keep on walking but never fully coming out. Like a magician’s silk scarf. But finally, the end came, the back end looking strangely similar to the head. Caden began to sweat, his breathing becoming more labored.

He looked over at Finn who stared at the monster, his gaze a mixture of fear and awe. More scolopendra followed the first. One of them snapped up the deer in its jaws, crunching it. The others crowded around it, fighting over the scraps.

“They’re going to notice us soon,” the commander whispered, sending ripples throughout the scouts. As if on cue, one of the scolopendra swiveled its head towards them. “Spread out!” the commander shouted. Just as the words left his mouth, the group scattered and the creature charged. 


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476 Reviews


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Sat Feb 11, 2017 5:59 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Hey Storm, Apricity here for a review. Sorry it's taken me so long to review this chapter, school has been hectic and I've been struggling to find time to review stuff. Anyways, let's go straight into it.

Hmm, your introduction is good. This is what I like about your writing, you have a smooth and steady pace. Nothing too sudden, too out of the place. Everything flows together cohesively, but you do have a tendency to stop at points where you could have expanded a bit more. To add a bit more vibrancy to the story. Here, you have

'Its arrival took the veterans by storm'
. This a pretty cliche term, but I'll forgive you because it has an impact here. Yet, you didn't really expand onto where it took them by storm, and by expanding a bit more you could also reveal perhaps, the prejudice or social hierarchy within your story.

Another thing I want to mention with your writing is this, after reading 3 chapters now. I've noticed that dialogue is probably one of your strongest points, the dialogue you write is realistic and intimate. It feels real, and you've used it in all the right places.

What's lacking is something that Ventomology pointed out, you don't pay a close attention to your character's surroundings. The tone of the chapter feels cold and devoid of emotions to me. Most of the time, it's due to your tendency to state things rather than show them. It's the old show and tell, I'll show you what I mean.

Finally his skill was going to be put to the test. He was going on a raid. Raids were the easiest way to gain experience as a scout, so they were often the first mission new cadets were taken on.


His skill was going to be put to the test, but we don't actually see any emotional response to this. Is he nervous, is he apprehensive, or is he ready to go and pass it with flying colours. The information you've inserted about the raid here borders on info-dumping, I know you want to explain what a raid is, but there are ways to incorporate it. For one instance, Finn and Caden's dialogue swiftly follows that statement, you could incorporate it into part of their conversation. Just so that it appears less like info-dumping if you hide it with emotions and action.

The scolopendra’s emergence drew gasps from the inexperienced Scouts


Something else you might want to look out for is this kind of omniscient observation. Although this is written in 3rd person omniscient, you still want the readers to empathise with Caden and Finn. You used 'inexperienced Scouts', a pretty exclusive term but at the same time Caden and Finn are part of that inexperienced Scouts. Another way you might go about it, would be 'the scolopendra's emergence drew gasps from everyone in the crowd, yet to the veterans this was only just another raid amidst the hundreds they've been to'. The language is rough, but what I'm trying to say is that. You're aiming to show the Scout's inexperiencensss, a way to do it is to contrast it against the skilled Veterans. Rather than stating it plain right.

Another thing here, and this is just a personal opinion. I feel like you haven't explained the actual conjuration of the scolopendra enough. I don't recall any mentions of this in your earlier chapters, so this is the first time we're seeing it. But, we don't get any explanations (I mean I know that the commander is assuming that the Scouts know how a scolopednra is summoned) but the readers don't. It'd be nice if there was just some explanation as to how slitting a deer's carcass (does it have to be a deer, or animal?) would summon the scolopendra. More detailed description of the scolopendra's appearance would be nice too, so that we can see how fearsome it is (so that it elicit fear in the reader's mind)

As I approach the end of the chapter, I've just realised something. Even though this is the Scout's first raid...the Commander didn't go through a plan with them, or strategy on how to attack effectively, what weapons to use etc... given how dangerous scolopendras are in this world. It doesn't seem right that they didn't go over a proper plan before leaving, it's like sending soldiers into war without telling them how and where to fight the enemy. It's suicide. So, I guess this might be something you want to add in when you reedit this novel.

Overall though, I'm really enjoying this novel. The plot is moving forwards, I'm liking the way Finn and Caden interacts with each other (when are you going to introduce new characters though? Please tell me it's soon, I want to see those two interact with others.)

I hope I've helped with this review, if you've got any questions, feel free to send me a PM. :)

-Apricity




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:24 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there! I only have a few things to point out. Overall, the plot is very well thought-out, and the characters were believable. I think you should just try to blend information into the story more.

The start of this chapter seems a bit like an info-dump. You tell me about the world, the recruits, Caden's lack of family, what he did in the first few weeks... it's an awful lot for a few paragraphs. It might be good to see if some of that background info could be incorporated into other chapters or at least spread out more, with some present day scenes inbetween.

In just two weeks, Caden could successfully execute three different fighting formations in any position, peel a potato in under thirty seconds, and name all of the parts of a scolopendra off of the top of his head.
I did like this part, though. It shows his development well.

The commander was answered with a loud chorus of ‘yes, sirs’.
I think the punctuation should come after sir, with the S. So yes sirs. It sounds like they said yes sirs, rather than just yes sir.

“Spread out!” the commander shouted. Just as the words left his mouth, the group scattered and the creature charged.
Nice way to end! I'm left wanting to turn the imaginary page. :D

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:27 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Good afternoon! I hope you're having a lovely day.

Just fyi, I did, in fact, read the other two chapters before reviewing this one, though I only glanced over the reviews. I'm sorry if I repeat something someone else has said.

General Comments:

1. Your dialogue is so telling, and it's definitely one of your strong points. Finn and Caden especially--even though they tend to speak the same way--have such different content in their dialogue that I imagine I could tell them apart even without dialogue tags! And I love the way Commander Schaefer's dialogue walks the line between casual and commanding all the time.

2. Your settings deserve a little more attention. I get that there's snow and dirt, but what does it sound like? What's the atmosphere? Setting has an affect on your characters beyond just the senses; a locale should inspire emotions. And if Caden is just too full of anticipation to really care about what's going on around him, mention that. Maybe his anticipation actually affects the way he sees the forest, instead of the other way around.

Instead of just trees and a forest and snow, you can describe those aspects. Perhaps they are falsely serene, or maybe the trees loom, or the snow cracks underfoot because it's been iced over. Your setting not only tells everyone where they are, but how they should be feeling, which might just be more important than the fact that the snow is there at all.

Nitpicking:

1. This is definitely just a personal opinion, but the use of the words 'male' and 'female' all the time makes me a little uncomfortable. I understand if you're doing it on purpose to give the feeling that these characters are somehow not supposed to be treated as human, but if that's not the case, you can just use 'men' and 'women.' Or if you're trying to strike a balance between 'men' and 'boys,' you can slip in a 'young men' every so often and use all three terms.

I think part of my reasoning on that is because the use of 'females' is kind of a warning sign that we ladies use to identify certain kinds of men, so like... unless you're absolutely certain you want to be using 'male' and 'female' maybe consider switching terminology.

2. I definitely saw proper semicolon usage, so give me a high five. :)

Plot, Characterization, & Misc. Items:

1. The names you've picked for the places are interesting, but I especially love the term 'scolopendra.' It's easy to say, but sounds scientific and nasty, which is probably what you were going for. A++

2. Just out of curiosity, is the commander actually black? You described him as being 'dark' in the first chapter, but left him alone in terms of description afterwards, and since I am always down for representation, I just had to ask if you meant dark as in a non-white person, or just a white person who is well-tanned.

3. I can't help but wish you'd included some scenes from the training. I know you want to move the story along and everything, but I still think it would have been valuable to see Caden learn the ropes and to flesh out his relationship with Finn and maybe some new characters.

That's about it for today. If you wouldn't mind, could you let me know when you get up the next chapter? I'm really excited to see where you take this!

Happy review day!
-Ventomology




inktopus says...


*high fives* I love semicolons! They help me avoid run-ons without making me actually end the sentence. I loved your points. Usually, the same people review this, so it's great to get a fresh set of eyes on it. As for the commander, he's definitely a minority. Mediterranean is probably the best descriptor. I tried to make the ethnicities make sense, so since it's in a cold mountain range, almost everyone is white. But there is a minority population, that I hope to address in the future and Schaefer is a part of it. I'll be sure to tag you when I put out the next chapter. Thanks for the awesome review!




I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling