Heya, Cloud! Casanova here to do a review for you! I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind! To the review!
her shoulders are pale
with freckles dotting them like stars
i trace them with my fingers
but she pushes me away
embarrassed at her imperfections
but i call them her perfections
they make her beautiful
Okay, first thing's first. The extra white space between the lines. Use shift key + enter to get rid of that, or shift key + back space if you've copied/pasted the lines. Anyway, onward
Anyway, the first part of this stanza I really enjoy, then you get to the perfections part and it seems like you're listing too much. I would try something like,"But she pushes me away/to her they're imperfections/but to me they're her perfections- they make her beautiful" or something of the kind. Listing can really harm your message if done incorrectly, and so can narration. I would suggest reworking that. Anyway, onward.
her thighs are smooth
sprinkled with soft hairs
i stroke them with a hand
but she pushes me away
embarrassed at her lack of care
but i call her confident
it makes her beautiful
Here I find your repetitive way of saying,"she pushes me away," a bit distasteful? Like, it's a new stanza, I want to see something new. Like, you've already established she doesn't like her physical appearance, why not go into more emotional depth with it? Like, how she feels, what she sees, what she thinks. Things like that. You could cut the repetitive parts of this and lose practically nothing from the poem, in my opinion. But it's completely up to you. Anyway, onward.
her hair is coarse
with early silver strands
i comb it with my fingers
but she pushes me away
embarrassed at her age
but i call her wise
it makes her beautiful
I think I'm going to stop this here and just give an over view.
You seem to be focusing on repetition here, and physical attributes. When you do so multiple times, it really takes away from the story/emotion. I would say start describing emotion, start describing the scene, and let the story play out through emotion and description besides listing, repetition, and physical attributes. If you ever need help, don't hesitate to message me over the discord chat! I'd be glad to help you with anything you might have questions on.
Anyway, I think this was a decent poem idea that could use some brushing up.
I think that's all I have to say on that one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
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Reviews: 624
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