Published April 2, 2011
"Here, you can be the cat this time." Beryl glanced at his brother, who was studying something as usual."C'mon, Case, what have you got this time?"
Casey held up a round black object. "It's very smooth."
What was it with him? Beryl was about to take the stone when a scent distracted him. He straightened, nudging Casey. "Why, hello, Opal."
She smiled. "Hello, you two. What are you up to?"
Casey showed her his treasure with a smile. "I think it's a piece of jet."
"Hate to disagree with you, little guy, but I think that's glass..." Opal brought the small, black sphere close to her eye. Her tail, Beryl noticed, moved ever so slightly. He couldn't help but stare; she had the most unusual fur. "...but perhaps you are right." She handed it back.
"Hey, can you play a cat?" said Casey.
"I suppose so. Will you be sure to spare my life?" For(/as an?) answer, both brothers hurled themselves on her. She fought back, trying to growl ferociously. With a tiny twitch of his whiskers, Beryl sent his brother around her flank.
In the end, their combined weight brought the "cat" down and the brothers with her. All three lay where they'd fallen, winded.
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140,624 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
I'm slightly confused. Are they all cats? From my reading it seemed like Opal is a cat because of the mention of her unusual fur color, but are the brothers human? What do they mean by play a cat? Like mentioned above ^^^ it would be helpful if you added details or explained what it is they're doing or simply add more to your beginning to cease my confoundment.
-Crescent
Hiya, munchkin. Rosea here, at your service.
First off...
...what is this about? Um. I'm quite lost. What are they doing? They're playing, I get a vague idea of that, but... what are they doing, exactly?
Sudden entrance of new character and I don't even know what's going on yet. What is your purpose here? To play the cat? I'm not really sure if I can follow you... and what is the significance of the black, round object? Is it... a toy? A relic of some sort? What?
So the round object is... glass. And Opal is? Who is she? So Beryl and Casey are siblings. Fur? What are they, exactly? Half-human, half-animals?
The "cat" was tackled to the ground. Well. There are some technical things that also needs pointing out, but what evidently needs urgent attention here is the plot. It made me ask a lot of "what"s and the story, I'm sorry to say, has no direction. It's just... a random scene, not really what you would call a "beginning", and not a prologue either, in that case. Not even a chapter, not even a short story... it's just a scene. A dangling scene. Incomprehensible at that. And not very eye-catching either. What's in here that would make a reader care? There isn't much yet, but with a bit of work, this piece can at least prove a point or two. Work on this scene, or chapter, or snippet... whatever it may be. Clarify to the reader what the story is about, introduce your characters properly, and give them a sense of purpose in the story.
I hope this is helpful. Just ask if I'm making anything confusing for you. Have a nice one~