A good piece. I didn't see any obvious errors.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Thats really nice
I like it. I am no poetry master so all I have to say is keep going.
Sorry for the crap review XD
This is different for you. And while different from different doesn't mean especially eccentric nor typical, it does mean that it was an interesting read.
I was struck, in particular, by how straightforward it was--open, honest, and unapologetic. The tie in at the end to the beginning worked surprisingly well.
I don't know whether I'm missing the next level of the "marijuana" bit, or if you just didn't use that to it's full potential, but I think the contrast between it and the alter smoke could be played up just a tad bit more.
Regardless, it was refreshing and a pleasant read.
An interesting concept as all your pieces always seem to have.. Within these words such thoughts spring up for me as each sentence presents itself. Upbeat in ways of the love for a son from his father, from the beginning days of being nameless, still an immense sort of love lingers between the two. I like the idea of how a child can turn a parent's "impossible years" into "tiny, beautiful days".
Your second stanza is sort of hard compared to your soft beginning.. It brings a sort of toughness to the sweet beginning yet I feel it looks right in its place. As the stanza closes the mood is brought back to the initial gentleness of the description of a son's childhood.
Every sentence of your last stanza rings true. The first one strikes a chord with me yet it seems impossible to explain. "I will let you lay me in the ground before I am ready to say goodbye." - So sad yet so true to many families being torn apart. the last line is long yet it is still a kicker & brings many ideas and relations to mind. It seems what every son would want to hear from his father or simply what every father would want his son to know before he was gone. Ideally, that is.
I like it well Typed. >.>''what a Drag''
Wow, Brad, this is really very well written--and very upbeat for you! I like it, you should do it more often :]
Anyway...to the critique..
I'm not entirely sure I like the reference to "home" here. It's really kind of a far reach and when people think of children they don't think home in this context. It's kind of like you started with this idea but strayed off onto something else? At first I thought you were going to write about a city of something with these first few lines. I wouldn't get rid of it if it had a significant part in the rest of the poem, but it doesn't--it's just kind of all by itself.
I like this stanza, but just to point out its not like the others. Not that it's a bad thing, just pointing it out. It's kind of like those essays they taught us to write in 6th grade with three paragraphs where there is an introduction and a conclusion and one random info paragraph in between.
I would suggest ditching the "s" on "hands," and possibly go with "while the Houston fog" rather than "and the Houston fog"
Possibly "I will fight for you"?
I'm not sure whether you meant "as boys will" to mean you are talking to your son or not, but I think that is how it's perceived. I would suggest ditching that, it kind of makes the reader think "typical man, only thinks of having sons" even if it's not true. Up to this point there are not gender hints, and I think it would be better if it was kept that way. I mean, because unless you are expecting right now then you don't know what will happen, it just seems more 'reader friendly'.
Anyway, last stanza is perfect and I wouldn't change anything on it. But, if you are to change the boy reference in the previous stanza then I'd take another look at the first few lines of the last stanza and possibly reword.
Good work, Brad, as always!