Mia
They always take their time pulling out of me. It's like they're saying, You are mine.
After, I always go to Jane- buff, bighearted Jane- for comfort. She holds me as I cry, shushes me when I bawl my hatred of myself and those fools who call themselves men. Through all that, she never loses sight of God.
That's why my heart sinks when she says she's going to a rumble.
"What for? You know you're no good at fightin'."
"Yes, I know. I'm going to see if I can stop it from happening." She hugs me tightly. "If I don't come back, get out of here. Find someplace better to live."
Don't go, my brain says. My arms wrap around her neck.
"Come on, Jane; it's time."
I do something I've been wanting to do. I kiss her.
**
Jane doesn't come back for two, maybe three hours. I start getting my things together- my belt knife, change of clothes and a picture of Starr.
"What'cha up to there?" Arch- Mike Archer- stands over me, looking smug. In one move he picks up my shirt and the photo.
"Changin' address for tonight. And I don't feel like bein' fucked with, so give me my stuff."
"This photo of value to ya?"
"Give, damn you!"
He lowers his voice to a whisper. "I will when you stop lying to me."
"A'right," I mutter. "Jane said to bug out if she didn't come back. And that's my sister you've got there."
"Your sister." He says it like he's tasting the words. "I had one of those, till she got shot." He hands me the items. "Go on; I'll watch your back."
I only think to wonder why later.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Your writing style is very good. It kept me interested. However, I was confused by the characters, they kind of seemed to be thrown in at random times. I think maybe if you'd developed each of them a but more. Also, it ended too suddenly. It wasn't long enough to make me want to read more.
Hey Stori!
~ I didn’t get what ‘a rumble’ meant for a while. Maybe use a different word so the slower amongst us (me) know she’s going to a fight sooner? Also, what type of fight? It interests me that any fight could be dangerous enough that she might not return.Shady here with your review, as requested.
...So is your protagonist going through some illicit abuse? That’s what it seems like, but it’s hard to tell. You don’t really introduce your MC very much. Jane and Arch seem pretty interesting, but...I don’t even know what gender your protagonist is. It seemed female, from your first paragraphs, but then it kissed Jane, which made it seem male—unless there was a LGBT thing going on there.
~ ‘Till’ is used in context as in “Go till the garden”. You’re just shortening “Until” so it should be “ ‘til ”
Got a bit of language—you might want to put an age rating on it.
~~~
Hi!
I liked your introduction. It was a nice, to-the-point, start and you ended it well. “I only think to wonder why later,” is enticing. It makes me want to read on, to see how/if he gets double crossed and what happens to the MC.
However, I think you could greatly benefit from making me care about your MC more. I mean, the mystery is good, but a gender and a name would be better.
Either way, you’ve got a nice start and I’m interesting in reading further once you write it.
If you need any more help or have any questions, feel free to PM or wall me, of course.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
That's what you get for watching West Side Story I guess- an inaccurate portrayal of gang life. In other words, it's time for Stori to do some homework.
Hello Stori, interesting start you have here:
While having a vague beginning can be fun and exciting, it really doesn't do much for me here. I don't know what in the world is going on. And...well, there is the...possible sexual connotations that might be evoked by this sentence which if you have no base of reference, then that's what might be gleaned by some people.
This is more interesting in terms of being vague. You're being a bit vague, but you also give us some details that give us a hint of what's going on. That's the sweet spot when writing in a little mystery into the story. You give us subtle ideas on what's going on, while at the same time keeping us in the dark.
I don't mind the unexplained characters, but you're starting to add more and more. While this has the potential to be okay, I wouldn't be eager to add too many more without characterizing the ones that you have.
Really, this is a little too short to comment extensively and without anything else to base on (future chapters), I can't guess to know what it going on here. I think that can be a strength possibly, but you also want to hook your reader with something. The intro should at least give us a small idea about something that's going on, but we aren't really given anything other than these somewhat intriguing characters.