Published February 25, 2010
Seven, or Sevenapw as he used to be known, is a rather ticklish character. See what you all think.
What am I doing wrong? I shake my head slowly.
Seven, you fool. What else could it be? You got yourself
snared by that silver she-cat. Young idiot.
"Grr!" I let loose a furious growl.
But anger at myself is pointless.
So I fell for her; so what?
I just never expected the little hitch
that she can fly and I can't.
Rats. What does that mean for me? Should I admit defeat and look for someone else?
No, hang on a minute. What if I were
to talk to her sister?
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Canary word: Present
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I know that Peanutgallery007 has already said this but it does seem more of a poem than a short story, was that intentional or a mistake. Also the basic plot of the story is hard to understand, it might just be me though. Perhaps you should explain it a bit more in some way, like in a rewrite or something.
Hmmm... This intrigues me. Continue it?
I don't really like the spelling out of the sound. It just sounds a little silly. Maybe just cut the "Grr!" and leave the rest as it is?
I like this little introduction to the character so far, but I want more! More of the story! More of this hinted-at relationship! More! It's just so short, I feel like I have nothing to read.
PM when you continue this or any of the other things! I like them and I want to see where they are going!
~GryphonFledgling
Hello Stori!
I think I've seen you around before. (I must have because you've been on YWS for a while!)
So anyway, with the way this is formatted, it almost reads like a poem rather than a story snippet. Is it supposed to be like that or did that just happen when you copy/pasted it from the Word document?
Also, from what's here, this sounds a lot like Warriors. Could you just PM me whenever possible about that? I'd just like to know what the plot is about. I just don't like thinking that you're copying Warriors, because I'm sure you're not.
Also, this snippet seems a little short for me to really be of help here, but let's see what I come up with;
All that should be in italics (it probably is on your Word document anyway...) except the "I shake my head slowly".
Take out the first "so" because it's a tad repetitive. And maybe try replacing the semicolon with a period? I think it would read better in that situation.
So maybe it's not like Warriors.
Aah! Confusing wording in the beginning. I had to read it twice. You should switch around the "I should" to "Should I", since after all, it is a question he is asking himself.
So I liked this little snippet and I like your character, though I think if you were to post a little more of the story I could get a better grasp on him. Right now, to me, it seems as though he could use a little more development. And maybe a little less rhetorical questions. XD I got a little tired of looking at those.
But yes, I liked it. I hope you continue it!
~Peanut