Published October 26, 2007
My name is Phoenix; I know no other. I'm a Ciana, a cross between an elf and a cat. My kind are common in this world, yet I am alone.
It was that one moment, so long ago...
I saw myself, standing on top of a cliff, weeping. My tribe was gone, and some part of me died with them. I was lost, alone.
That was years ago, too many for me to count. Now, I'm on that same cliff, remembering.
That night, I was sleeping soundly, my brothers and sisters all curled up nearby in a jumble.
There was a noise outside: a heavy footfall, alien in its sound. I woke, ears pricked, scenting the air.
Again, the step. Then a harsh voice speaking words I didn't know.
A higher Ciana voice answered. "There is nothing for you here. Leave this place."
I heard a coarse laugh. The other voice was saying something... Then there was a scream.
My whole world crumbled in an instant.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Ah, though it's been mentioned numerous times already, I'd just like to point out once again that it just too short. As a critic, I need more to work with but, I will try my best.
Honestly, this sounds like something that's supposed to go on the back of a book; you know, like a teaser?
more about Ciana? An Elf and a cat?! Very interesting. See there are bright spots to this, I was very surprised by this mysterious combination. Almost has a Light vs. Dark twinge to it. Love it. moving on, this world? And where exactly is that..nevertheless, I'm sure we will know more later, but, I want to know now..hehe!
She/He betrayed his/her tribe or was abandoned..why?
Basically, we, as a audience, just need to know more. BUT, I love the idea of the cross between an elf and a cat..it's very intriguing..esp because my story involves an elf so it's just very....interesting..Anyways, Hope you write more and can't wait to read it.
Keep Writing,
-starry-night
The writing is good, but you made a really short post.
Also, maybe you want to try using more descriptive language?
Whoops, I was typing to fast
I meant to say 'accept'
I agree with them...
I'm new to this site...can anyone tell me how to view my friends and acept friend requests?
Kyte,
I vaguely remember you telling me about ‘Phoenix’; here I am, investigating. What you posted is very extremely terrifyingly short, and it really is hard to crit it, but I will try my best. However, before I say more, I would like to say (oh, the blessings of repetitive phrases!) that it would indeed, as Kylan already said, be better if you did post more. This is very interesting, and would be awesome if you expanded it.
Anyway. Despite its shortness, I liked what you posted. I am sorry but that is really all that I have to say. I have nothing to add, because you gave me nothing to rant about.
Cheers,
Esme
Kyte -
.Are you purposely trying to ignore my advice? WRITE MORE BEFORE YOU POST! I just spent some time looking through your portfolio. You have many projects going on and little written on any of them. Focus on one. Maybe two. Don't get distracted!
Don't know if you care, but until you write a longer piece I won't be critiquing anymore, because, well, there's nothing much to critique anyway.
Show don't tell. Give me a story, not a character profile.
These four sentence/paragraphs are intriguing. I hope you write more.
-Kylan