Published January 24, 2010
Note: first attempt I've made at this story in a while.
Cika tested her injured paw. Almost at full strength, she noted with satisfaction.
Tomorrow I'll ask Bracken if I can go hunting.
Well. Cyla would be pleased.
She shook her head. It was foolish, always looking up to Cyla.
"Cika! Isn't it time you turned in?"
Drat. "I'm coming. Keep your fur on." She could swear
she heard somecat snicker. A pox on tomcats!
**
The next day dawned misty. Cika yawned widely as she climbed
out of her nest. What I wouldn't give for some of that moss
they use in Sky, she thought.
Stretching each leg, she was delighted when the injured one
didn't even twinge. I bet it's recovered now.
"Morning, Cika." It was a tom, a wiry brown tabby she didn't know.
"G'morning. Am I allowed to chase mice today?"
He chuckled. "Yes, you overgrown kitten. Go tire yourself out."
"Ha! No one calls me 'kitten' and lives to regret it!"
They wrestled, Cika eventually gaining the upper paw.
"Truce. Don't kill me, please." He rolled belly-up, staring at her with
mock apprehension.
Enjoying her moment of triumph, Cika prodded his thin stomach.
"You're too skinny to eat. I'll let you go."
"Who's skinny?" Indignant, the tom rolled onto his side.
"I just might consider giving you a mouse to fatten you up."
He flipped onto his feet. "Don't trouble yourself."
"What's your name?"
"Jesse."
"I'm Cika. Pleased to meet you."
They spent a profitable day hunting; she found she enjoyed
Jesse's company. He was mild-mannered and seemed not to mind
letting her chatter.
"Well." He straightened from his latest kill. "I reckon
this ought to stop a few bellies from rumbling."
"Including ours, I trust?"
"But of course." He slid the still-warm body towards her.
"Go on. Queens should eat first."
She laughed. "I'm not a queen yet."
"Oh. Looking for love, then?"
"Maybe."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
129,811 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Cute story
I felt that this moved very fast, and didn't have a lot of meat to it. Slow things down, take time to explore the setting and the characters. Describe them to us, describe the setting. Right now, this came across to me as talking heads in a field of blankness.
This can be easily fixed. Add description of the setting, characters, and their actions. Don't just say something happens, show it happening. This could be really excellent with more detail to it.
Good luck! Keep writing!
-Lauren
I enjoyed reading this but i think it moved too fast. Like maybe some more dialog or even describing more of the fight instead of her gaining the upper paw. Maybe mention more of his features or something, like i kinda got an image of him being a skinny cat and her being healthy or something. Good short story
This was really cute. It did move a bit fast, but I think it suited this story. One thing I noticed was that while you italicized some of the thoughts, it felt to me like you missed some? It confused me a little. Also, the names Cika and Cyla were very similar (they both start with cee and end in a), so I confused them. Maybe change Cyla to something a bit more distinct?
Aha, I found this the cutest thing!
Why doesn't Cika know him but he knows her name? And if she doesn't know him, why does she ask him if she's allowed to chase mice today? At first, I imagined Jesse to be much older due to the "overgrown kitten" comment. But, as I read more Cika and Jesse seemed like the same age.
Wait, what? Ok, I felt like that went too fast. If they're just meeting...you should add some other dialogue etc for them to hunt together.
...I got the impression that they were like little kid cats. Woops?
Overall:
So cute! I'm a big fan of the Warriors Series...this brings back good ol memories of epic talking cats. ^_^
JC