Published May 13, 2013
Narrative Summary: Part One – Prologue.
Perfection . . .
What is, perfection . . . ?
If I had ever, in all my days, seen perfection; it was in the form of the magic filled Kingdom of Kyrome, that ancient power that still dominates our people's history, looming over us like a pillar of light, showing us what the ideal world should be . . .
But all good things must have an end . . .
Kyrome was indeed the jewel of the gods, it's army unmatched, it's leaders unchallenged, it's people content, it's laws just, it's power and knowledge: unheard of.
However, one might say that the Magicians of Kyrome learned too much for their own good, for late in the year 8273, a thousand years after Kyrome had become the greatest kingdom of our lands, a group of government-funded magicians discovered a spell: a spell that would change our world forever. . . .
At a first glance one would have supposed that it was a quite beneficial spell, indeed, surprisingly beneficial! It could take a normal human, and improve him in a thousand and one ways, until he was a dozen times faster, stronger, and smarter than any other human in existence.
The group of magicians presented their spell to the leaders of Kyrome with a proposal to test it, and then, should it work, administer it to every citizen of Kyrome, thus improving humanity immeasurably. . . .
The first few tests were complete success, and the government shortly after prepared a massive program to administer the spell to all of the people of Kyrome . . .
Almost half of the citizens of Kyrome had already been infected with the spell when the truth of what it did became known. Indeed, it did improve humanity, but the power-hungry magicians had plotted together and added another spell to the first. All the humans who took the spell instantly had their memories erased, and found themselves enslaved to the 12 magicians. . . .
Once the true effects of the spell were found its application was instantly terminated, but when the soldiers reached the magicians homes, they were gone . . . The mutants created by the spell suddenly attacked everyone else . . . Fighting broke out around the planet between the mutants and humans, who were quickly being forced back into their cities by a massive army led by a deadly mutant warrior: Jensen Link.
The people's of Eastern Kyrome were all for finishing off the diseased people, getting rid of the problem before it became any bigger. But the other half were more careful, wanting to give their families a chance to fight off the effects of this poison.
But it quickly became evident that the remaining humans had two choices: become mutants, or die. . . .
Or so it seemed to many in that hopeless world . . .
Out of the darkness appeared a man, a man with a plan to kill the mutants, a spell. He came as he went, leaving the desperate humans with his spell. This weapon was instantly accepted and the cornered people used it . . .
It is said that the blood of the mutants was what caused the rivers to flow that year; the six thousand soldiers who were chosen for invincibility could not be stopped, and the mutants died, hunted down, one after another. Finally, though scarcely two years after it had begun, the war was over . . .
Eastern Kyrome broke away from Western Kyrome (Now Senetra) in disgust at the amount of death that had come of their companions hesitation, taking with them half of the invincible warriors, and leaving the other three thousand with their allies. . . .
But, a year and a half later, the weak humans were suddenly jumped upon by the mutants again, though this time in far fewer numbers . . . again the invincible warriors defeated them and returned victorious. But things would not be so easily finished this time. The Derns, as the mutants now called themselves, had secured a massive country of their own and dubbed it Dernland. Here they hid, ruled by the 12 magicians and their Lord General: Jensen Link, safe in their fortresses as they sent out their armies to fight the Kyromese and Senetrans.
Would this war ever end?
Three days ago a man staggered into Vicar city, high in the mountains of Senetra, right on the border with Dernland; with his dying breaths he told a tale . . . a fantastical tale of an army, an army of Derns so large it painted the mountains black for a hundred miles, an army that was moving – For Senetra.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Forget everything I said earlier.
Yes, this piece needs work, but what piece doesn't? It's definitely interesting, and I was drawn in to the story as you don't stop to explain every single detail about Kyrome and it's peoples and races, you just go with it, so there are quite a few things that are left for me, the reader, to interpret with my imagination. I love this, as I have a very vivid imagination.
Over all, it sounds like an interesting story, one that I wouldn't mind reading.
Thank you BlackNether12!
P.S. I know it's probably old, but I apologize again.
Hey there, Nether. It seems others have made my point, so I'll be brief. What you have here reads more like an essay than the start of a novel.
Now this is probably a bad comparison. Have you read Eragon? The prologue is just as action-packed and immediate as the main story- a good way to draw readers in.
It's supposed to be that way ><
And sucks.
I'm working on it now!
Hey! its really nice and interesting...unfolding the story in such a manner that keeps the readers interested.
At first when you talked about the mutants, i thought it bore a resemblance to the 'X-men' movies..but your story is not the same i now feel.
I won't go into any technicalities, but i can say that you have quite successfully created a 'hook' for the readers.
will definitely read the chapters 1, 2 and 3 soon.
Okay, yeah, I'm working on that problem!
Thanks!
Hey ^_^ I feel like reviewing today so I'm just going to run through as much as I can of this and give my thoughts!
In your second line, personally I would delete the comma. It was an odd pause for me, and even though you meant it to be read slowly like that; What is....perfection....? It didn't feel natural to how I would pause when I read something.
This line:
Kyrome was indeed the jewel of the gods, it's army unmatched, it's leaders unchallenged, it's people content, it's laws just, it's power and knowledge: unheard of.
Every "it's" should be changed to "its". The way I remember it is that the only time we use "it's" is for the contraction "it is". "It's" is not the way you show possession.
Hm, I'm not sure about this next comment I have but I'll say it anyway, I could be wrong.
"a thousand years after Kyrome had become the greatest kingdom of our lands, a group of government-funded magicians discovered a spell: a spell that would change our world forever. . . ."
Do kingdoms have government? I usually think of kingdoms as being led by a king, as in a monarchy, so there wouldn't be any kind of government. Just some food for thought.
"The people's of Eastern Kyrome were all for finishing off the diseased people, "
people's should be people (or maybe peoples?)
"The people's of Eastern Kyrome were all for finishing off the diseased people, getting rid of the problem before it became any bigger. But the other half were more careful, wanting to give their families a chance to fight off the effects of this poison."
I really like this paragraph, it shows a really interesting conflict! I was instantly drawn in by it
Overall I think this is a successful prologue; to me, a prologue is supposed to provide a bit of background and at the same time lure us into reading your story. Right now, I'm interested in flipping to chapter 1.
I'm not sure what the story will quite be about, the most interesting part of this to me was the conflict in the old war, between the two sides of people (the one that wanted to just kill all the mutants and the other that wanted to wait and give them a chance). However it seems like that conflict is long over and what you'll be focusing on is this new war.
Anyways, I hope this review was helpful and feel free to PM me if you've got questions, I'd be happy to answer them
Ver useful review!
Thank you!
Ohhh I didn't realize there was a Prologue D:
I just read Chapter One ._.
Ahhhh, okay! ^-^ this is great! xD lol
Firstly, the beginning is GOLDEN. I lovvve stories that begin like that, it's intriguing and it lures people into your world and makes them interested in what you're going to say next.
I loved the setting and description, and the enthusiasm of it all. It's really exciting. I do have to agree that it's a lot of backstory that seems to be attached to the actual story. One mistake I've noticed that a lot of people do--I used to do it, too--is they add a big piece of backstory before getting to the actual story, when it mighttt be best to have the back story woven into the story a bit more. It'll flow easier and hold more attention ^-^ Finally I'll say what I said to the first chapter: it's a tinny tiny bit rough (but then again, maybe this isn't a final, finished piece?) Anyhoo, that's just my humble opinion, just olish it a bit so it flows more easily. If you disagree please don't take my word for it. Just keep writing and do your best.
Catnip~~
XD, check my comment on Shadow's review!
Thanks.
Hey there! I love this whole idea, and the excitement of it all. I'll try to read the chapters you've already posted soon, I'm anxious to see who the story will follow and what happens. But I do have some commentary.
Anyways, hope this helped a little!
One, I agree with shadowseon about this prologue mainly being background info. Writing a book is (in VERY loose terms that probably is not actually applicable) kind of like trying to woo somebody. You don't just walk up to them and tell them every little thing about yourself and your life. No, that'll just scare them and then they'll never speak to you again. You gradually let your presence and your interest in them be known, and you wait until they're interested in knowing about that one fourth grade birthday party that ended...interestingly to tell them about it. Same goes for novel info, usually the background info, though this is also true of plot turns and foreshadowing. Just like you don't want to immediately give yourself away to any person who bats an eye at you, you don't want to give your novel away to just any possibly interested reader. Make the reader feel the need to be worthy of your info. So yeah, what I think you could do is not necessarily delete the prologue and insert the info in the actual chapters, but take some of it away, and put about half of the information you have in there in your actual chapters. For instance, instead of building a too detailed map in the reader's minds, introduce the main character and a small glimpse into their life. Give specific action and detail, not just an overview. Most prologues speak about a (admittedly usually not terribly related to the actual plot) really specific event through a specific person's point of view. Prologues usually are just used to put in character development that would not only be awkward in the chapters, but give extra detail to that person's life. Now, you're prologue introduced an entire world. That's a really hard thing to do, so I commemorate you for trying to do something so challenging. But it's not in the prologue where you dump all of that info in it. Euh, I forgot what point I was trying to make. Okay, moving on, I guess.
I love the names you have in here. Gosh, I'm reading (probably too many) prologues and such that are fantasy and sci-fi, and the names are just so AWESOME. Why can't I have that creativity? Kyrome and Senetra (that reminds me of Frank Sinatra hehe) are just SUPER cool names! Awesome.
I know this is something you usually say in the beginning of a review, but I really like how you began the prologue, the part about perfection. It starts out reflective, which is also good in a prologue, though you see it more often in an epilogue. But reflective prologues can be as powerful, depending on the type of novel you're writing. I feel like a purely reflective prologue would not be beneficial here, but a little is great so yeah.
Okay this review is officially too long :/ Sorry about that.
PS- It's interesting how you made the year AFTER this current era, and not before, it's different but interesting.
XD< Check out my comment on Shadow's review!
Thanks, the names take work!
Love the review!
Very interesting premise - I quite like what you did with the 12 magicians rising to power, especially using the humans that got their memories wiped. Now, the thing about prologues is that they are often used incorrectly or altogether unnecessary, and I just want to urge you to think very carefully about what you're trying to accomplish with it that you couldn't do within the min story.
I'm interested how this story will unfold, and I especially like the setup you create with your last sentence. :3
For example, this prologue seems to be largely background information and history, but might it work just as well interwoven into the actual chapters and revealed bit by bit?
It's hard sometimes, having a dedicated explanatory snippet like that, because it's easy to dismiss the information there and just go "Okay, have that out of the way" and underexplain in the story later. I know that some people skip prologues altogether, so either way you'd have to make sure that you either don't need the background at all to understand the story, or you sprinkle it throughout so that the information is there anyway.
From a technical viewpoint, I'd ease up on the ellipses little, just to make the writing a bit more precise, but really t's your call.
Haha! Glad ye enjoyed it! Feel free to read more! It gets better.
The ellipses are for effect I'm afraid.
As for why I wrote this prologue, there is a very valid reason. This is a piece of writing for school, I'm going to be showing it to my teacher tomorrow (Again): He wanted me to write a piece that showed my utter control of Narrative Summary.
Thus I get this!
Sorry if it was hard to follow . . .
If you look, the next section covers my control of Action, then Interior Emotion and Flashback, and then Dialogue . . . .
thanks for the review!
Don't do a review on a review Black Nether 1 2 I know you are edict-ed to doing that though not saying that I don't