This is basically about a poem i wrote when i was around 12 years old. It's one of my favorites, not
the whole meaning of it. But, it was a time of rough goings and I needed a way to express how i felt
so I wrote. I may be entering a contest with this (: Please review so i can enter with an awesome
submission! ;D
She examines the reflection sitting in the cheval glass,
her purple eyes weary with distress and sadness.
The monster calls her name softly,
you know you want the pain to go away.
Her grim future awaits as she snatches it,
one by one she swallows them.
Overcome with inertia She lets her head fall onto the pillow,
as the monster takes her to a fantasy.
When she wakes she is unknown to herself,
the soul that once lived is long gone.
All she craves is the fake reality,
her heart is powered by addiction.
One last time the monster beckons her,
again she falls under the spell of it's bittersweet happiness.
Abyss fills her mind and no emotion comes through,
yet she feels hot drips fall onto her sleeping body.
The spell lifts and it hits her like a crashing wave,
confusion and sadness overcome her.
Sirens come from all different directions,
and all she can do is cry.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well, I thought it was deep. I thought it portrayed a sad picture that was fuzzy around the edges because I didn't completely know what was going on. More detail would be great....
For example, when you wrote 'When she wakes she is unknown to herself, the soul that once lived is long gone.' I was like huh? that was so....bland. You can sharpen those up later if you want. Or you can leave them as they are....your choice really.
I was just sayin my opionions.
*Peacee*
_Writing for love is a passion_
Nit- Picks
I can tell you meant for that to be two lines by the way you capitalized "she". Please fix that
Actually I think that is the only nit- pick I could find.
Over- all
Though I do completely agree with Kylan; some word choice and lines were a bit cliche in some spots. You sort of went off- topic in the last half of your poem... or so it seems that way to me. Your beginning was actually very good, but it slowly got worse and worse... then it was just dragging on altogether. I'm not saying this was a bad poem really; it just needs a bunch of work.
It seemed a little emo. But. That is okay; this is the dramatic poetry section. Just remember to rate your pieces.
I do like the title! But. It seems like Kylan had to correct a lot of stuff for you in a modly way; try to be more careful next time, okay? Especially with your title; always proofread, or, at least just skim through again if it is your title
So! I think that's all. Write on!
~April
stolenHearts --
Basically, what you have here is an emo poem in the advanced stages. While I enjoyed your first four line very much, I felt that the message you tried to communicate after your introduction was pale and boring; mainly because it's been done so many times before. Unfortunately, your sturdy grasp of poetry cannot save this piece from fading into the background. Frankly, it's dull and tasteless.
Now you do have some things going for you. Like I said, I enjoyed the first four lines. They're beautiful. I can't help but wonder where they went once you started writing the rest of the poem. And your conclusion ain't half bad either. You managed to end things on a good note, salvaging things a little bit.
I think the problem you have here, is that you let your "moral-of-the-story" get in the way of the rest of the poem. You took a very delicate art form and harrassed it into doing your bidding. You need to be gentler. Spend some more time on the language, on the words. A good poem has great meaning, and great imagery combined. Make the rest of the poem more like your introduction, instead of being so obvious. You practically come right out and yell at your readers that "THIS IS A POEM ABOUT DRUGS! IT IS SAD!" Be more discrete. Honestly, the poetry is more important than your feelings.
Lastly, avoid boring words like "addiction", "spell", "Fantasy", and "bittersweet". They're overused and cliche. And avoid cliche similes like, "hits her like a crashing wave," This does nothing for me.
Anyway, good luck.
-Kylan
(PS: I took the liberty of editing your author's note so that it didn't stretch the page out. I also took the liberty of changing the spelling in your title from, "Monsert Beckoning" to "Monster Beckoning.")