The Mistake

How about I just correct EVERYTHING, huh?
So check the spoiler if you dare >8D

This is so short and full of telling that it isn't very impacting emotionally...

As someone who doesn't believe length of a work to be of any merit, I don't have a problem with how short this is. One of my friends has written short stories that are only a few sentences and I still classify them as "short stories".

The main problem I have with this work is that it is utterly devoid of context. I had no idea that these characters were supposed to be werewolves until I went to your profile to see if this was a continuation of another work and saw a simple "werewolves" in the description. I thought it was simply about regular wolves.

Going back to the lack of context - as someone who likes to keep things vague in my stories and let the reader draw their own conclusions, even I was confused by this. From the opening lines, we discover that your character killed someone important, but we don't have any clues as to why she clearly accidentally killed him. All we know is you killed them. With no clues as to why this happened, we don't have much of a reason to empathize with your characters. I can't speak for sure, but I doubt many (if any) YWSers have accidentally killed their nephew, or anyone, for that matter. As such, we have nothing to let us emotionally connect with this character. We know he/she feels badly about it, but that's as far as we get. We're told they run off "whimpering from emotional pain", but that's all we get? What kind of emotion? Remorse? Anger? Sadness? Just telling us they're in pain doesn't suffice. We need to believe that they are. More emotive language would help with this piece.

Also, there are a few things in here that made no sense to me. Primarily the sentence "For the first time that night,me her sister who is now her enemy." I mean, I get that they are enemies now, but what is this first time that the main character is experiencing? I'm lost. Also, the sister says she "will make you shift then declaw you". Now, I understand now that she means shift to animal or wolf or whatever, but if I hadn't seen "werewolves" in the description, I would have never known what this meant and my first time reading it, I was totally lost as to what this means.

Lastly, grammatical errors need to be addressed. Take out the parenthetical at the start of the story, make sure you put spaces after your commas, get verb tenses right (it should have read "She says" in lieu of "she say"), and proofread to ensure no random brackets appear in your story.

Anyways, hope this helped.

Howdy Tink! Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey, certainly have improved on this piece, I enjoyed reading it. A few quick notes though, at this point I don't think it has enough material and information to be a short story. A short story is something that tells a story (as you could probably guess from the title) with details and fluency and almost always gets a theme or symbol across to the reader. This piece is lacking either of those bits if you want it to be a short story. Let's just focus on how we can make this a stronger short story, because the content is pretty good as it is aside from the grammatical errors.

Ok, so what you need here is an underlining theme that you want to prove, maybe the vicious nature of society or the effects that conformity can have to all those who step outside the social norm. This is shown incredibly well in a short story called The Lottery by Shirley Jackson, I encourage you to look it up. So try to incorporate an underlining theme into your writing.

Secondly, if you want this to be a short story rather than a chapter, it needs more details and information. More on the topic of plot line because you do an excellent job of describing Alpha Rain's anger. Maybe add in the bit about your narrator accidentally killing Alpha Rain's cubs. (Also, I assume their wolves, so the offspring would be cubs and not kids. Sorry should have caught that earlier).

On a final note, be sure to do a double check on proper grammar before you post. If you're having issues with that (I always have lots of issues with my grammar and spelling) copy and paste your piece to a word document and use the spell check before posting.

Try to add in this themes and you'll be looking great. Let me know if you have any questions or need help. Give me a PM if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello, I am Shadowbound. I have never done a review before, so my apologies if there are some...rough edges.

Now for this story, I have a few things to say. Not to be negative from the start, but it is a tad bit short. This could make an interesting intro, but even for a short story it is small. On a positive note it does convey feeling very well. I did like the opening setting: it caught my attention and held it. It gave a strong feeling of conflict that held my interest.

"I run away as fast as I can while whimpering from emotional pain." reinforces the fact that the character is feeling awful for the mistake. The fact that the emotions are so strong that they cause pain helps to show just how bad the action was.

Although you have the right idea for showing emotions, watch out for glitches. Try re-reading sentences to make sure they come out clearly.

"For the first time that night, her sister who is now considered her enemy." This is a little confusing...might want to change some words around.
“For the first time that night, her sister was now considered her enemy.” Might work better.

Well, as I said this could be an interesting introduction to a story! Sorry if I was a little harsh, but good luck in your future creations.