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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good evening. I am 567ajt here to review your work.
So, let's have a look here. Let's take it step by step.
"Once upon a time, there were two boys. These boys were night and day. They were not destined to be togheter, yet they could not survive without one another."
First off, you should capitalize the names of characters, and you make a spelling mistake. Also, I get what you are trying to do. It sounds like a fairy tale, and it sounds intriguing, but so far it's a bit too generic.
" "I light up the world" Day said.
"I make the people experience the great unseen" Night replied."
I know this. And again, it is inconsistent. You capitalize the names, but you didn't do it before. So I am a bit confused.
"Togheter they ruled the world. But once the people got upset, there was nothing they could do but to watch. They watched the foolish bickering while holding eachothers hands."
Again a typo of together. Also, eachothers should be each other's. Why are they foolishly bickering? Why did people get upset? This isn't explained so far. Hopefully you will elaborate why they turned against there own people.
" "Humans are pitiful" They said."
Oh. Really? Is that the reason? Pity is a natural human emotion. Why are these two entities going to kill humans for pity? It doesn't make sense.
"Little did they know there were humans that wanted to join them. Humans that could state their mind, humans that could change the world."
You're digging yourself a hole here. It doesn't make sense. Why would humans that are pitiful want to change the world, if they are pitiful?
"Day and Night minded their own buisness, for they could not hear the small voices of the humans that longed to speak up. They were smothered by the rest. And so Day shone upon the world, and Night put a blanket upon it when Day had left. Yet again, little did they know there was no need for them to do their daily routine anymore. You see, no humans longer lived on earth."
Why did they kill the humans? I am really confused.
Thank you so much for reviewing my work!
First, I'm sorry about all the typos. I'm going to blame it on the fact that English isn't my main language, and that this was just something that I came up with at three in the morning.
And, I'm pretty bad at explaining, but what I wanted to say with this short story was that no matter what happens down on earth, Day and Night will continue to live. This was meant to be pretty much apocalyptic, taking place in the future (Bad use of "Once upon a time...", I know...) where nuclear wars, starvation and global warming has made the whole place go insane. So, Day and Night did'nt kill the humans, the humans caused their own death.
Thank you so much for rewieving my work, this helped a lot! ^^