Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I pissed the bed
Do I ask or I just shift you?
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Its just, its bootyful, ITS BOOTYFUL 10/10 IGN, 5 STARS, 5 STARS, FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW!
I don't know if you can tell but i'm being something called SAR-CAS-TIC
Well, there isn't too much to critique here. I'm assuming this is meant as a joking one-off, and it fulfills its purpose decently well for that, as far as subject matter goes. Your technique could use some work, though.
The syllables per line are totally out of whack, and the stresses don't lend themselves to a particularly rhythmic reading. You've got a lot of clutter here you could trim up while retaining all the meaning, and you could shift the words around so that your meter is more rhythmic and fits with the first two lines.
One alternative I could think of for the third line would be "Pissed the damn bed", since, like the first two lines, it would have a stress on the first syllable, none on the two middle, and one on the last syllable, making the entire thing read easier.
Your last line is a bit more complex, but for one thing that second use of "I" is completely redundant. Try reworking it. Most likely, you'll have to split it up into two lines, the first of which won't rhyme with anything, which is fine! You can totally delay a rhyme in rap and still have it sound great. Either way, read out your lines as you're writing them! Meter and rhythm are everything in rap. I'm sure with some thinking you can work out how to tidy up the rest!
Hope I helped,
Aet
Best review I've ever read. Thematically sure. Structurally sound. Syntactically secure. "President Lindling," the papers say twenty years hence. "It all started in a one-off review on a little-known writing site, but the ensuing fame rocketed him into the public consciousness..."
This is a good surrealist satire playing on both my post as well as the original work through a meta-connection. I enjoyed reading your comment and hope to see you post more power fantasies that fulfill me, even if saturated with the grease of irony and humorous insincerity.
Hope I helped,
Aet
Thanks Aet. But don't try to upstage me; I'm a jealous boy.
Well, that was very interesting. I don't think that this is really a rap. If you were being serious about it being a rap, or a poem of any sort, I would avoid the completely overused "roses are red, violets are blue" start. Unless you were going to make this longer, and repeat the phrase in an interesting and creative way that no one has ever seen before, I would avoid that cliche completely.
Secondly, the last line makes no sense what so ever. It might be an inside joke, so I'm not sure, but to me it makes no sense.
I would seriously revise this if this was not a joke.
Um...so I don't really know what to say about this...rap? I assume this is a joke and a confusing one at that. But if this is not a joke I'm very sorry if I offended you. Yeah there is not a lot more I could say about this.
Do u want a rap off at 1 o'clock gas bar