Published February 27, 2008
[pre]Devastated heart, lost in pain:
Warmed and awoken once again.
Smiles and laughter coincide,
She loved him back, hard to hide.
The more about him she did learn,
More of his presence she did yearn.
A wedding date, a plan was set,
Then another man she met.
Helpful, funny, handsome too;
He was perfect through and through.
Suspicions rose, about the first,
What she learned was the worst.
Lies were told to her face,
Broken trust, and in it’s place,
There was left the second man,
To help her up and hold her hand.
More quickly than the first he asked,
He did not lie, there was no mask.
He opened his arms and his heart,
With him she made a brand new start.
Vows were spoken, a promise made,
In the lovely temple’s shade.
Head and heart, caught in a spell,
Because of him: her Rafael.[/pre]
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[quote="Stephixy"][pre]Devastated heart, lost in pain:
Warmed and awoken once again.
Smiles and laughter coincide,
She loved him back, hard to hide.
Ok I have to say this but if you want your poem to rhyme make sure it all rhymes like Pain and Again don't rhyme.
The rest of your poem does but keep it constant. If you don't it will sound funny.
Take my advice chang your first two lines to make it rhyme.
TA TA FOR NOW SimonCowellLuver
First off, welcome to YWS! Reakeda asked me to crit this poem, and I must say, I'm impressed. It's a very sweet poem, and I'm glad I had a chance to check this out. Now, onto the crit:
The last line in this stanza doesn't really match the meter in the rest of the stanza. I would suggest "To love him back was hard to hide" to the keep the rhyme; the only problem is that it kind of changes the meaning you were going for. Read it over again, and see if you can find a line that fits the meter you have.
In the second line, I would have it "The more and more that she had yearned" to match the first line. Without "had" in the second line, the meter between the two is off.
Second line in this stanza I would change to "He was perfect, through and through." Again, it's a meter thing. Third line I'd change to "Suspicions rose..." and fourth line I'd change to "What she learned was the very worst." Again again, it's a meter thing.
Third line here, I'd put "He opened up his arms and heart", because if the hands and heart belong to him, why say it twice?
The first line I'd change to "... a promise made." And the fourth line I'm not entirely sure on. I'm thinking "Because of him: her Raphael", but I'm not entirely sold on it. It's your call.
Most of your problems, it seems, is with meter. Reading the poem out loud will help tremendously with that. With a good, consistent meter comes a great flow and rhythm going through it.
Other than that, great job! I hope to read more from you.