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I hate this poem

by Stellarjay


His green elfish tuke fluttered in the wind

The scene before him angered his mind

In front of him Hyrule castle loomed

Where the sound of a beast boomed

From the scream of a princess

He promised to travel the distance

He freed the champions spirits,

And awoke the divine beasts all to his merit

With their help, Ganon was sure to die

But in the end it was the princess who brought his demise.


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 7:35 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Heya Stellarjay,

Shady here with quick review for you on this lovely Review Day, courtesy of the Imposters ;) Let's get started...

His green elfish tuke fluttered in the wind

The scene before him angered his mind


The first thing I noticed is that these seem like two independent lines, but are clearly meant to be read together. I think a transitionary word at the start of the second line would be good, even just like "and the scene" or something like that.

[quote]In front of him Hyrule castle loomed[/quo]te

LINK <33

~ ~ ~

Can I just say, I absolutely LOVE that you write a poem about The Legend of Zelda? It's been soooo long since I've thought of that game, and fully was not expecting this poem to be about that, so it delighted me so much when I read Hyrule and instantly had more context for the poem. Great job c:

The one main thing I noticed that you could improve a bit is that this rhyme scheme feels really forced. Like, I feel like you wouldn't have made these word choices for your poem if you weren't actively trying to rhyme the lines.

Like, "angered his mind" instead of just saying made him angry and "sound of a beast boomed" instead of just saying the roaring of a monster or something like that, for example, are some of the ones that seemed really forced.

While rhyming in poetry can be a nice stylistic tool if used tactfully, when it's forced it can actually detract from the poem because your readers get so distracted by the rhyme scheme that they miss some of the themes and emotions of the poem. This article is a really nice overview of writing poetry and she has a lovely section about rhyming, too!

Hope this helped!

~Shady

And, the obligatory Schadenfreude and Fahrvergn├╝gen in the spirit of review day ;)




Stellarjay says...


Thanks for the review! <3



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Sun Jan 31, 2021 7:10 pm
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LadyMysterio wrote a review...



Hi, Stellar! Lady here! quickly before we get into the review. when I read this it inspired me to start playing the Zelda game we have(twilight princess).
Anyway onto the review!

I love this poem, it flows nicely. I also find it very satisfying to read. It gives simple but informative storytelling of the plot of Breath of the Wild.
Oh and oh the last note. when every this covid stuff ends. I have a BIG book of all the concept art and art and character design from the game. I should bring it with me when we see each other again.
That's it for the review
-Lady




Stellarjay says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Jan 31, 2021 6:54 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey Stellar, I wanted to leave a review on this poem because it caught my eye! <3 You've already gotten some lovely reviews, so I'll try not be repetitive or anything, and I'll go section by section! ^_^ If you don't agree with anything I say, then please feel free to ignore me! <3

His green elfish tuke fluttered in the wind

The scene before him angered his mind


So "wind" and "mind" don't rhyme, like your other reviewers pointed out, so I'd suggest trying to find a word that does rhyme. This is mainly so your later rhymes don't come as a surprise; otherwise it could be a bit jarring c:

I love the word "tuke"! Since it's not very commonly used, it fits your magical and mystical vibe that I feel going on here.

In front of him Hyrule castle loomed

Where the sound of a beast boomed


Ooh, a castle and a beast! But what do they look like? c: I think having more of a visual, especially for the beast, could help make this poem stronger. Because I'm not sure what this beast looks like, I can't tell if the speaker should be intimidated. You said the word "booming" which I really love -> that gives the impression of a great, giant beast, so I really liked that! I would love more though on his physical features! Or his size, you'd probably be able to squeeze just one word to acknowledge his size if you don't want to change too much about this!

Where the sound of a beast boomed

From the scream of a princess

He promised to travel the distance


So I'm not really sure which part "From the scream of a princess" belongs to. Is it saying the beast booming is coming from the same area as the scream of the princess? Or did the speaker promise to travel the distance because of the princess's scream? In the latter case, I'm not sure if "from" is the right word to use as it doesn't really convey that idea to mind. Or, you could add some punctuation to show where one thought starts and ends and where another begins. But of course, these are just suggestions, and this is entirely up to you!

(In the case of the latter) I love how you suggest that her scream (aka her pain / fear) was enough to drive the speaker's journey to save her. It shows his compassion and how much he cares for her safety. That's a neat spot for describing your speaker! <3

He freed the champions spirits,


Ooh so I would love a little more here. Is that a good thing, freeing spirits? I'm assuming so because otherwise he wouldn't have done it cx But why were they chained? What exactly are they? How are they going to help defeat Ganon? I read in the description that this is based on Zelda, but it would be lovely for a bit more explanation for readers who aren't familiar with the game! But again, it's up to you what you include and what you don't <3

With their help, Ganon was sure to die

But in the end it was the princess who brought his demise.


Also here, I would love to know who Ganon is! Is he the beast perhaps?

BUT OMG I love your last line ahh!!! He went through all that work to save the princess, but at the end she killed / turned him? What a twist! I think it was a lovely choice to end on that, as it was totally unexpected (at least for me) and it leaves me wondering and guessing what exactly just happened.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem! You've got some clever rhymes (princess, distance is one I particularly enjoyed) and I love how you've brought life and character to the speaker. You closed the poem on such a note that leaves the reader wanting more, and it's fun how we get to figure out what exactly happened. You're such a lovely poet, and you shouldn't hate this poem at all!! I thought it was gorgeous, and I had so much fun reading it. I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! <3




Stellarjay says...


Thanks for the Review!



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Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:44 am
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InuYosha wrote a review...



Sup! How's it going, jay? Well, in case you don't remember me (HAHA I AM SOOOOO MEMORABLE, RIGHT :PPPP), I'm Yoshi, and I'm here for your review!

Let's get started, shall we? (omg this line is used in too many reviews but I love it)

His green elfish tuke fluttered in the wind

The scene before him angered his mind

In front of him Hyrule castle loomed

Where the sound of a beast boomed


Great start, although the first rhyme isn't . . . exactly a rhyme, it's still appealing to the eye! Just remember, you need to have some pretty wording and rhythm in the beginning of the poem to get the reader hooked. If you start boring, the reader won't stay long enough to get to the interesting part. If you start pretty, the reader will keep reading until the end-- even through the boring parts. Even if the reader hurls their device on the floor in disappointment, hey, at least they read the poem :)

Also, I am unsure what a "tuke" is. It gives me serious medieval/fantasy vibes so great job. I just hope you explain what a "tuke" is later in the poem.

Additionally, your "loomed/boomed" rhyme is awesome! Good job on that!

The rest of the poem is great, except for one thing. I usually don't review people's punctuation, but you only placed a comma at the end of line eight. Every other line had no commas. I usually either leave out all commas or place commas at the end of every line. Your irregular comma placement is a BIT confusing, but it's not a really big deal.

But in the end it was the princess who brought his demise.


PLOT TWIST anyways, great end. Most people can't actually end a poem with such a sudden and short plot twist, but you did it with perfection!

I haven't played the Legend of Zelda yet, but this poem certainly makes me want to! :)

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this poem!

Cheers and Eggs!

-y0shi




Stellarjay says...


Thanks for the review! A tuke is a hat, maybe it's just a canadian word lol.



InuYosha says...


oooooooh okay! yeah i wondered what it was

didn't expect it to be something completely NORMAL >:((((

anyways, your welcome! (And yes I think it probs is a canadian word :|)



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Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:34 am
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EtherealGarbage wrote a review...



Hey there!

His green elfish tuke fluttered in the wind

The scene before him angered his mind


So, "tuke" makes me think of a Quaker family from York, England, and I hopefully think that Link is not a member of that family. If he is, someone direct me to a place I can complain at, please and thank you so much;

and, I see a good rhyme all throughout, but even though the last letters match, they aren't that close to being a rhyming pair. The best place to find some rhymes is this right here, though it can be a little off sometimes.

Moving on:
From the scream of a princess

He promised to travel the distance


I wish there was a little more added to that ending. If I read from the perspective of a person who never played any of the games, I'd surely wonder how the princess had anything to do with his demise. Not sure what to add, but maybe something more can be there.

Good job!

Best,
Max




Stellarjay says...


Thanks for the review!




Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman