z

Young Writers Society



Just One More (2/2)

by StellaThomas


This is the second half to a short posted six months ago- oops! also it was accidentally posted in Novels- oops again! I'll move it once I have the power to. In any case, it can be found here:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=96110Sorry about the length, but I couldn't chop it again!

--

The first course was leek and potato soup. Nathaniel had appeared, claiming that he had had to deal with the horses and then change. He was sat opposite Alicia, which was only natural, but the princess was far more interested in gossiping with Genevieve. Gen had found the yellow dress and pinned her hair into something resembling a respectable arrangement, and talking and giggling with Alicia, she seemed almost girly.

Charlie thought, therefore, her mother would have nothing to complain about, and the two generations were engaged in separate conversations until Charlie’s ears pricked at something passing his aunt’s lips. “Of course, Genevieve failed three of her subjects this year.”

Gen stared into her soup bowl.

“And will Madame Avery allow you to retake those?” asked Anneliese, and took a sip of her soup.

Gen nodded. “After the summer. I’m to study for them over the next months and resit.”

“And if you fail them again?” Anneliese appraised her with a raised eyebrow. “Will you be following in your cousin’s footsteps and repeating your final year?”

“Well, I don’t technically need to graduate from Avery’s. There’s no requirement, not like there is with a knighthood.”

“Of course you’ll pass, Genevieve,” said Bernard gruffly.

“I disagree with Cordelia Avery’s methods, but I believe she has the right of it, that it is imperative you girls be taught correct protocol in a formal setting. Genevieve, how do you propose to be countess if you fail these exams?”

“I have a very able cousin to help me,” she said stubbornly.

“And we’ll make sure she has a very able husband,” said Aunt Helen. “Do not fear, Your Majesty, we will not leave Iron Holdings in incapable hands.”

There was the ear-splitting noise of Genevieve’s chair on the marble. “If you’ll excuse me.” And she stormed out of the dining room.

Charlie moved his own chair back quietly. “Uncle, Your Majesty, if I may be excused to bring Genevieve to her senses?”

Bernard nodded. “Quickly, please.”

--

He found Genevieve standing on the veranda of the East Wing, her hair fallen out of its bun completely, throwing pebbles at the field beyond.

“Are you planning on killing a field mouse?” he asked, leaning against one of the pillars.

“They just make me so angry!” she said, throwing another one.

“Field mice?”

She turned and gave him a tiny smile and collapsed against a column, all her rage gone. “What do they want from us?”

“To be entirely different people to the ones we are,” Charlie said with a shrug.

“Why can’t they just accept that’s not going to happen? I mean… you will help me to rule Iron Holdings, won’t you?”

“Of course,” said Charlie. He had never imagined doing anything else with his future.

“Then what’s the problem? You’re so good with that sort of thing. But instead they want me married off to someone I don’t even like…” Gen’s eyes were damp.

“It’s only the heat of the moment, Gen. They love you too much to make you unhappy. They might surprise you.”

“But what if they don’t?” Her voice was in danger of breaking. Charlie went and put an arm over her shoulders.

“We’ll work out what to do if it comes to that. But not tonight. Don’t cry. Come on. Oh that dear sweet potato-“ He began into their favourite song as children and Gen laughed.

“Let’s go inside and prove our worth, shall we?” he said and Genevieve nodded, linking arms with him again.

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” she whispered as they re-entered the dining room.

--

The main course was duck in orange, with roast potatoes and peas shelled that morning, served with a wine so red it was purple and made Charlie shiver with each sip.

“I hear the graduation party is to be held in the Royal Palace this year,” said Helen. “You must be very excited, Your Highness.”

“Oh, yes,” Alicia said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “It’s a week after my brother’s sixteenth birthday, you are of course welcome to stay in the palace in the intervening time.”

“Of course I doubt you got much competition,” Aunt Helen said, glancing at Genevieve, who had not looked up from her plate since coming back to the dining room. “I don’t think Genevieve did any preparations at all.”

“Why should I have?” Genevieve stabbed a potato viciously. “We all knew Alicia would win.”

“Apart from Astrid,” Nathaniel said, staring into the centre of the table. Alicia shot him a sideways look and Charlie attempted to understand it all.

“Astrid Race, isn’t it?” Bernard asked. “The Hazel girl?”

“Yes,” said Charlie.

“Seems like a sweet girl but a little… insipid. Bland.”

“She’s my closest friend.” There was a warning lacing the edges of Alicia’s words.

Her mother chose to ignore this, cutting herself a new morsel of pork. “I know exactly what you mean, Bernard. Still, she’s very talented. It’s a shame such talent would be wasted in a place such as the Hazel Peninsula that barely needs any governing at all.”

“You need personality to govern any large area.” Uncle Bernard puffed his chest out as if to prove that he was brimming with personality himself.

Anneliese smiled. “Yes. Thank goodness it’s Alicia and not Astrid ascending the throne.”

Alicia delicately put her knife and fork together. “I’m just going to step outside for some air, Mother, Your Grace, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Uncle Bernard said and without knowing it, Charlie pushed his chair back and stood up. Alicia stared at him.

“I’ll accompany you,” he said. “I wouldn’t want you getting lost.”

--

Alicia smelt of magnolia. As they walked in silence, her heels clipping on the stone, he couldn’t decide where the smell came from, from her long loose hair or the sky blue silk of her dress or her nearly translucent skin. They went to the front door which Alicia threw open and held her arms up, inhaling the air as if she had been in prison for a decade.

“Sorry,” she said a little sheepishly, turning to look at Charlie.

“That’s alright. You’re a princess, no one can say a word against you for leaving a meal you weren’t enjoying.”

“Oh, but the food was delicious!” Alicia laughed. It was a very clear sound, like tapping a glass with a spoon. “Let’s sit.” She did so, on one of the steps. “It’s just my mother really does get insufferable. She acts as if I am to be… superior to everyone. She knows I hurt Astrid’s feelings when I won, and I didn’t mean to, but she just seems so delighted.”

“She’s just proud of you.”

She smiled. “How are you, anyway, Charlie? How’s your training going?”

It was all Charlie could do not to snort. “As well as could be hoped.”

The princess cast a grey eye over him. “You know, if you wanted, I could write to the Masters. Tell them you completed some great feat for me and I demand you be knighted immediately.”

“Such as what?”

“I don’t know. You saved me from a dragon or something.” She laughed and this time, Charlie joined in.

“I could never lie like that. I’m an awful liar. But if you ever are captured by a dragon, I’d be happy to help.”

Alicia smiled. “Pity there’s no dragons left. We’ll have to think of something else.” She looped her arm through his, as familiar as Gen. “Thank you, Charlie.”

“For what?”

“Cheering me up.”

“But I didn’t do anything!”

“You always know the right thing to say, that’s all. I think I’m ready to go back inside now.”

--

The dessert was a strawberry trifle, full of liquor and cream. Charlie felt sick just looking at it as his footman laid it down in front of him. After the other huge and filling courses, and cheese to follow, he only picked at it, while Gen devoured it.

“When do you suppose the Princess will be betrothed, Your Majesty?” asked Aunt Helen. Charlie looked at Nathaniel who appeared rather ill, although whether it was the dessert or the conversation it was difficult to tell.

“Oh, as soon after graduation as possible. I was myself betrothed to Sinclair at sixteen, and I personally find eighteen to be very old. But with new developments.” She sighed and ate the tiniest bit of cream. “And then the wedding will be about a year afterwards, I would say. Time enough for lots of children.” She patted her daughter on the hand. Alicia smiled, but it was hollow, not the smile Charlie had just seen outside. “I assume a similar arrangement will be made for Genevieve?”

“I don’t wish to discuss my marriage right now if it pleases Your Majesty.” Gen was monotone.

“Well.” That was all the Queen had to say. Bernard cleared his throat.

“Nathaniel, I’m sure you have your plans made then, in conjunction with this graduation of the girls.”

“I’m training Charlie until after Winter Festival. Once he passes his exams, then we can start thinking about other plans.”

“Oh, but Nat, you’ll be in the palace, won’t you?” Alicia was frowning at Nathaniel’s reluctance.

“Possibly. We’ll have to see how our schedule proceeds.”

“You’ll have to be careful,” Aunt Helen chirped, “after the betrothal we couldn’t have any harm coming to our future-“

Nathaniel stood up very abruptly. “Excuse me, I just remembered that I have some rather urgent business to attend to.” And he walked away.

Silence followed in his wake. Grateful for a chance to leave his trifle alone, Charlie stood up for a third time. “In fact, I just remembered- knight business, he will require my squire’s assistance.”

“What sort of business?” Alicia was outraged.

“Ah, that would be breaking our knight’s code of honour. Or at least… his knight’s code of honour and my code of squire or- if you’ll excuse me.” He could feel his face going red- it always went the colour most likely to clash with his hair, and careful not to stumble over the rug, he rushed out the door.

There was only one place Nathaniel was likely to go, and that was the yard at the back where he had taught Gen how to use a sword and a crossbow while Charlie sat by with a book. Charlie twisted his way down corridors and found Nathaniel, practicing his forms perfectly with a wooden sword against a straw dummy.

Charlie picked up another practice sword- he liked practice swords, they were so light- and met Nathaniel’s blade. The match was over in seven passes. Nathaniel leant on his sword.

“I think you’re actually getting worse at fighting.”

“And I think you’re actually getting worse at handling social situations. What was that about?”

Nathaniel spun in the air, slashed an imaginary enemy. “I hate them talking like that. Like I’m not there. Like I don’t have a voice in this.”

“But… they wouldn’t be talking about it if you hadn’t started courting Alicia.”

“And what if I wanted to stop courting her?” He stabbed the dummy and froze. Charlie stepped around so he could look Nathaniel in the eye. His friend, although winning every match in the yard, against both Charlie and his invisible foes (who had probably put up more of a match than Charlie) had never looked quite so defeated.

“What?” Charlie asked softly.

Nathaniel pulled the sword tip out of the dummy and dropped it. He turned very slowly to face Charlie.

“Don’t,” he said, his blue eyes full of panic. “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

“I won’t. But if you don’t want to-“

“She’s a princess, Charlie. I don’t have much of a choice to back down now. Everybody is just waiting for the two of us to announce our engagement- you included.”

“Because we all assume that you’re madly in love with one another! You certainly act like it!”

Nathaniel shrugged and wiped the sword. “I’m not sure… when it stopped being real. It’s still real for her but I… that’s not the life I want. I thought it was, but it’s not. But I have no idea how to stop it now.”

Charlie saw how hurt he was and was quiet. “We need to go back inside,” Charlie told him at last.

“I can’t.”

“So you’re going to live in this yard for the rest of your life?” Charlie raised his eyebrows. “Inside. Come.”

“No.” Nathaniel wiped his face, and Charlie saw that his eyes were wet. “I don’t want to face them again.”

“Oh please. Samina’s bravest knight, scared of my uncle and aunt? I will admit that the Queen scares me to death, but you can handle her. Besides, there’s just one more course. Then you can ride home to Brushbridge if you want and not worry about it. I’ll tell them all that your urgent knight business was a quest that couldn’t wait.”

Nathaniel smiled. “And you didn’t come because…”

“Because I’d slow you down of course- Nathaniel Bolt, I sincerely hope you never plan on taking me on any actual quests.”

They both laughed. Nathaniel drew his arm over his eyes. “I want to be a knight, not a prince. If I marry Alicia, I’ll never be happy.”

Charlie took the sword off him and laid it down. “Tonight’s not the night to think about that. You have months before any decisions are made. Now, inside. Just one more course,” he told Nathaniel, placing a hand on his back to lead him back to the dining room. “Just one more.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 7737
Reviews: 118

Donate
Mon May 09, 2022 7:32 pm
Coffeeboyjay wrote a review...



Hi there Stella

1. What did i like the most in the story Stella is that The first course was leek and potato soup. Nathaniel had appeared, claiming that he had had to deal with the horses and then change. He was sat opposite Alicia, which was only natural, but the princess was far more interested in gossiping with Genevieve. Gen had found the yellow dress and pinned her hair into something resembling a respectable arrangement, and talking and giggling with Alicia, she seemed almost girly. Stella this is what i was talking about in the last chapter about exploring the world and here it is in this chapter of Just One More

2. What do i think needs to be improved Stella is that when you are doing a fantasy in some people's work they has exploring the world in there fantasy story's in this one i exactly found some exploring the world Stella

3. what do i think the story will continue Stella the story will continue with more Evoke emotions Stella in the chapters of Just One More

Have fun writing!

Jay"




User avatar
166 Reviews


Points: 10240
Reviews: 166

Donate
Tue Jan 29, 2013 9:28 pm
Charlie II wrote a review...



Oh Stella! :D

I read this (and the first part) a little while ago but I wrote some notes down so I think I should let you know even if the points are a bit late / lame / something-else-beginning-with-the-letter-L.

From a terrible position of not having read Astrid (I know!) I wasn't entirely familiar with the characters except through kind of general knowledge / hearsay. It was nice that it centred on Charlie and his interactions with the other characters through a sort of one-on-one, but I think there may be a few too many characters for it to work as a stand-alone piece. As an exploration of the character for you, though, I'm certain it's incredibly valuable.

The best talk was between Charlie and Nathaniel. The theme of social obligations reached its peak and the timing was perfect. I felt very close to those two characters since they'd had the most "screen time" and it was very powerful moment. I like that we see cracks in Nathaniel's armour because it prevents him from being too perfect and it brings the reader closer to understanding his perspective.

I think the weakest talk was between Charlie and Alicia. Their interaction was a little awkward (perhaps intentionally so) but it was sweet. I think maybe Alicia's mood swings a bit to quickly? It seems like it doesn't take many words from Charlie before she's ready to go back to the table and I think that cheapens the exchange. Perhaps if Charlie had to work a little harder then it would be more satisfying?

One of the best ways to make things funny is to use comic situations. Then, even simple ordinary actions can become funny. I think you demonstrate this brilliantly with the steady stream of people leaving and rejoining the table! I was giggling towards the end ("Not again!") when I read Charlie standing up and making his excuses yet again. In some ways it could be considered a bit unrealistic, but in my opinion I really don't care! It was funny and it gave an air of coherency to the piece.

And I loved that it took until the last line to truly understand the title of the piece. That was inspired and it was incredibly satisfying to reach the end and go "aaah!" with that moment of realisation. Very well executed!

I guess this has been quite a brief and positive review, but at least it's helpful to know what you're doing right / what's being appreciated. I hope it helps at least. And best of luck with the rest of your writing!




User avatar
541 Reviews


Points: 370
Reviews: 541

Donate
Sat Jan 19, 2013 2:44 am
View Likes
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Stella! How did I not know you posted more of this? You know I can't resist!

Anyways, I really like what you're doing with Charlie and Gen here. I like that we get to see them (And Nathaniel and Alicia and everyone) in a different light, one that isn't affected by Astrid and her viewpoint. However, I feel like we're kind of losing Charlie's...goofiness? Inability to do anything right? xD

Basically, he's incredibly wise here and comforting and does only the most beautifully perfect thing anytime anyone needs him. I really like his place in that, but I've been imagining him as kind of bumbling in all situations, not just those that require his squire skills. Like, he would be this sweet and comforting in his own way, but he would stumble around it and not sound so wise in the process. Don't get me wrong, I loved how sweet and knowing he was! Especially with Gen (most of his interaction with Gen was just how I would expect), which was just all sorts of adorable. It just didn't align with what I know of his character.

Other than that, I can't find too much problem! I kind of get what Jack says about the dialogue sounding sort of the same, but I think that might come from the overall first-drafty thing of the more minor girls (i.e. not Astrid, or even Antonia) not being so distinct from one another. It's hard when you have a lot of minor characters, to make them distinct, but the kind of personality that comes across in dialogue and body language is a great place to start separating them from one another.

Also, Jack's point about this not quite being a short story is pretty true. It didn't quite feel complete enough as a standalone piece, but more a novel short/excerpt (which it sort of is). I liked it a lot, but it doesn't have that finished short story piece feel to it.

Always, I love what you do with Nathaniel when he's not in Astrid's perspective. I love seeing him more and more unhappy and regretful in his place, and how much he doesn't want to rule (and how Astrid would allow him to live the kind of life he wants, not so much ruling as supporting her in her ability to rule and running around Hazel having adventures). As always I can't wait to read more of this! <3

-Lauren-




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Sat Jan 05, 2013 10:40 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



Hi Stella,

It's sad this does not have any reviews. I assume it's because it required reviewers to read another work before I knew what was going on. As I forced you to post it, I think I owe you a review! Especially after you commented on my poem.

I enjoyed it. Your writing is good. Interesting dialogue, clearly defined characters, simple but effective prose. It reminded me of J.K. Rowling in a lot of ways. If your novel is like this, I think I'd like to read it!

A few initial comments

Although on the whole you're pretty good at showing rather than telling, there were a few times you slipped up.

Uncle Bernard puffed his chest out as if to prove that he was brimming with personality himself.


The second part is superfluous. Puffing his chest out suggests the latter bit already.

Gen had found the yellow dress and pinned her hair into something resembling a respectable arrangement, and talking and giggling with Alicia, she seemed almost girly.


Ignoring the slightly poor description for one moment (you can do much better than "something resembling a respectable arrangement"), you shouldn't be telling us she seemed almost girly. You should be showing us. I think rewriting this to include a better description of what she actually looks like would help you show how she doesn't usually look girly but today she does. Maybe the yellow dress is frilly, flowery. Describe her hair (properly). Show the reader that this is not how she normally is.

“What sort of business?” Alicia was outraged.


Bad Stella. You're telling us she's outraged, but you should be showing us by changing her dialogue, or adding clues to how she said it, what her face looked like, her gesticulations (e.g. she slammed her glass down) or something!

“She’s my closest friend.” There was a warning lacing the edges of Alicia’s words.


Same again.

I found a couple of things strange, but these might just be because of how your world is. As this is a short story derived from the world of a novel, it can be difficult for a first-time reader like me to understand the elements within it. So here's what I found odd:

1. Why does Charlie not call the Princess "Your majesty"? Their conversation in general seemed very informal. Indeed, a lot of the time the conversation is very informal and modern-sounding. Which is fine! But the contrast with the fantasy tropes -- princesses, knights, squires -- meant it felt a bit off to me. You've got a kind of odd hybrid of modern and fantasy elements, and it confused me at times.

2. Related - "knight business" made me laugh. Obviously knights are different in your world than our own historical knights. But using the word "knights" instantly conjures up certain things in a reader's mind. Very few of which connect to what you're showing us. The knight-squire relationship seems incredibly informal, they're fencing for some reason, etc. I have no problem with this, because I assume it's what they are like in your world, but what I will say is using the word "Knight" is going to be problematic in the long run. I'd recommend thinking of a different name for them.

On short stories

Your main problem is this is good writing but not a good short story. As a stand-alone piece, the plot and conflict is weak. I'm sure you already know this! But just in case you wanted to develop this as a piece in its own right, you'll need a lot of work. It probably needs more length and should conclude some of the conflicts you've introduced, rather than leaving them all kind of hanging.

Dem characters

I loved loved loved Anneliese. Pure malice dripped from her every word. Great stuff.

Charlie seems to be that "good guy who helps everyone else" character. I didn't really ever get a grip on who he was or what he really wanted. Sure, I got hints he didn't want to be a "Knight". But it seemed unexplored. He seemed a bit of a stock character to me, really.

Nathaniel was decent. But I didn't buy the sudden crying. He seemed like a tough character and then suddenly he's a-weeping. Sell it to me better.

Everyone else I couldn't really get a grip on because they all kind of seemed similar. Which leads me on to ....

Samey samey dialogue

Everyone sounded kind of ... the same. If I stripped away the names, I genuinely would find it difficult to spot who was who. People talk differently. And generally, people talk in a specific manner. There's a pattern to their approach to conversations. Some people talk too much, some people say very little, etc.

I think your best character was Anneliese by far, because I could tell she was baddy just by what she said. But the others ... not so much. Try and bring out their characteristics in how they say things to other people. I'm not a dialogue expert so I can't dish out specific advice, as such, but I've got no doubt there's a really useful article on this site somewhere!

And that's all I got. Thanks for sharing! And if you need any readers for your novel draft, sign me up.




LouisCypher says...


I liked this, despite not knowing what's going on ("%u2026whether you're new to the #Astrid universe%u2026" is called in my defense), but I can't find anything else to say, Jack's covered it quite nicely. I agree with all points, especially on the knight-squire/squire-princess relationship. There were, back in the day, very, very strict and rigid methods of addressing a princess or knight. Evidently not in this novel, but reading this as a standalone it's definitely not apparent. Also the language used, I assume this is a medieval period, wouldn't know whether high or low, but the Saxon language was very different at the time. But of course I assume they're speaking something entirely other, so pointing out the grammatical construction of the sentences seems to be a tad redundant.

Just my two cents
~Ita

;D



LouisCypher says...


Buut YWS punctuationfail.



LouisCypher says...


Buut YWS punctuationfail.




That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon