"My hand is too fat to reach for it!" A student exclaimed, trying to grab the eraser that a nearby kid had dropped. The kid- respectively named Kid- was doing homework when he dropped the eraser attempting to fix a problem. The teacher had yelled for Kid to pick up the eraser but while trying to pick it up, his big foot had gotten in the way kicking it into a deep corner of the room. The teacher then ordered another kid- who was also named Kidd- stood up, his fat stomach shaking as he walked confidently over to the deep corner of the room. He knelt down next to another Kid, giving him a satisfied look- like a hungry logger coming home to a big pot of stew.
He reached a meaty hand into the deep carves, his sausage fingers digging about. Kidd ignored the dust, nails and rocks stinging his touch pleading to escape. He looked back at Kid, smiling awkwardly still digging around giving a little hope to Kid. As again said in the beginning, his hand was too fat to reach the eraser snuggled deeper into the corner, like a scared children in a dark room.
Sweat lined Kidd's forehead as he tried to pull his hand out but it was stuck.
"My hand is stuck," he quietly stated as Kid sighed, standing up.
"Pull."
"I have been pulling!" Kidd exclaimed, giving up on pulling.
"Have you tried pushing your hand deeper?" Kid asked, softly hinting to get his eraser. Kidd narrowed his eyes, as the idea rolled in his mind that has soon turned into a meatball. The meatball then rolled down the idea, making a meat sauce mess- which made Kidd hungry. He licked his lips, pushing the hand deeper into the hole.
"It is more stuck than I was before, you idiot."
Kid guffawed, crossing his arms together. "You should have never gotten my eraser."
"What?" Kidd asked doubtfully. Kid smirked.
"I already had an eraser on me," he stated promptly as he pulled an eraser out of his back jean pocket. He twirled the light green eraser, sampling Kidd's anger to spiral upwards. He contorted his face to frown- and he wasn't the one to frown often- and muttered hurtful words that would make a puppy cry. Kid grinned, walking back to his desk and continued on doing his work leaving Kidd staring off into space, thinking of ways to kill someone.
In the far corner of the room, sat Max having his head engrossed with silent earbuds in enjoying the drama unfolding. He quietly snapped his phone shut before dialing the phone to ring somewhere off in the room. Kidd looked at his hand and remembered he was stuck.
"Does anyone have butter?"
"Mr. Carl! We are in a middle of a test," The teacher Miss VeDrink, warned from the desk. She quietly turned around, duly typing the next homework paper with her pale wrinkled fingers. Kidd narrowed his eyes, a sharp increase in muttered words as he began to play with his jeans. Max glanced over at Kidd holding the phone to snap a picture- and sure it was rude- but at the time Max didn't seem to care; he was going to win the bet between Jonathan and him, to make Kidd infamous and secretly worshipped as the kid who got their hand stuck because the dumbest kid forgot his eraser.
Max snapped the picture, satisfied and then sent before continuing working on being engrossed by the laptop. Kidd sighed, reaching into his phone and opening up ClearPic- an app that lets you take a picture while sending it simulationaly to thousand of people without the hassle of no internet. He slid through the pictures of strangers he didn't know- some blowing kisses, some sitting on horses, and some giggling at a picture of a kid with his hand stuck between the wall and a pole beam. Kidd mimicked the progress of this by taking a simple Selfie of himself, frowning and adding some dumb text such as "outsmarted by a nerd lol" then adding it to the limitless pictures on ClearPic.
What Kidd didn't know was that his picture was being famous and someday that fame would land him on a TV show called "My Life With My Hand Stuck In A Deep Hole" which would make him have thousands upon thousands of dollars, to where he would be robbed by some person named Hannah and die of a several stroke (or some would say, lose-of-money stroke). Yet it would bring him into a pit of sadness and have madness take over his life, silently wishing to forget about it all- but how could you forget something when you you take a picture and post it online?
The bell rang, snapping Kidd from his slumber. He tried to get up when his hand strained and pulled him down on the ground. The next class poured in, seeing poor Kidd and started an uproar making him laugh along as if the whole thing was a joke and wanted to be apart of what they were laughing about.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Heya Steggy!
So I know this has been out for round about two months now, but I did read the first chapter and I have been meaning to get back and review the next one for you as well. So here I am doing just that. I like that we get a bit more of an idea of what your novel is going to be like - we're going to have Max or another main character feature in it, but it might be mainly focusing on another character. I found it so intriguing that we got basically a full like story in one chapter, and it didn't feel crammed at all or anything. We get to see how Kidd ended up in the situation he was in, what he did about it at the time, and how it was going to affect his entire future. I like how some novels manage to do that well in a short space of time, and you've managed to nail it. I think my main problem with this chapter was simply English related things, so I am going to try and break those down. But aside from that, it was a strong chapter. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention how much I loved the food relations in Kidd's mind. It represented the kind of person he was perfectly.
When I read this sentence aloud I have a natural pause after the word 'way', which means you need another comma to go in there.
At this point you never tell us what the teacher ordered another kid to do? Yes, later on we can assume it is to fetch the eraser because that particular kid is probably closer to where it has landed. But this needs to be specified onto the end of this sentence here so it is obvious to the reader too and they don't have to assume.
Because of the word another it makes me think of a third child, when actually it is still the first kid who dropped the eraser in the first place, and we currently know them as Kid. So what I would do is instead of the another I would replace it with 'the other' and I would captialise the 'k' in kid so we are using his name and making it more specific. Just to help with the reader's general understanding.
I feel like 'carves' is the wrong word to use here. I would say curves of the corner or something along those lines?
There is another comma needed after the word awkwardly. I would put a full stop after the word 'around' and the start the next sentence as 'It gave a little hope to... etc.'
If you say 'a' it means it is singular and in that case you mean a scared child. But if you get rid of the 'a' then it should be plural and you can use scared children. It's up to you which one you are referring to here.
The problem with this sentence is a misuse of words. You can test someone's anger. So it would be replacing the word sampling with testing, but it wouldn't be related at all to his anger sprialing upwards. So the sentence would read as 'He twirled the light green eraser, testing Kidd's anger. It spiraled upwards. (so in the next sentence you mention how the test resulted.) Or you could simply replace the word sampling with causing, and in that case Kid isn't testing Kidd at all, but is just trying to make him feel all the more angry. It's your choice of which you mention, depending on what you want to happen here.
The second thing I wanted to mention was the second line. I liked the mention of face expressions which are easy to picture and imagine, but I would rephrase it is a bit to run smoothly. My suggestion would be to make it 'his face contorted into a frown.'
Rewriting this to: corner of the room, sat Max, silent earbuds in his ears and enjoying the drama unfolding.
My reasoning: you wouldn't need the word having in there because engrossed works well enough on its own. But at the same time, engrossed isn't the right word to be using here. Yes, you can be engrossed in homework or the events happening, but you already described him as enjoying the drama unfolding. You don't need another adjective to describe how he is feeling about the happenings, and I think enjoying is the one that works best for this sentence.
I would have a full stop instead of a comma there. And then I would start the next line 'there was a sharp increase in... etc'.
I think you mean would instead of was here, seeing as this is an event to happen in the future that hasn't occurred yet.
This should start with of which he would be robbed, instead of to where. And I think you mean 'severe' instead of several here, and 'loss-of-money' instead of lose.
Otherwise, there is nothing more to say here. It has been a while since you have posted so I don't know if you will be continuing with this novel. I think you should do! If you do, let me know on my wall or something whenever you post and I would be happy to read more. This novel has so much potential
Deanie x
Well...hm. I'm not sure if there's an exact method to reviewing comedy, but I'll give it a shot anyway.
The characters here are obviously to be made fun of, but I suppose that the real star of it all is Kidd. Sure, it's presented in a comedic fashion, but acting all "cool" and going with it when humiliated is indeed something that actual people do. You captured that perfectly in this sentence:
It's an interesting and unexpected look into human psychology and society. I'm not entirely sure that's what you were aiming for, but I'm congratulating you for it nonetheless.
Also, there was never a sentence where the kid named Kidd and the kid named Kid did something that kids would do for repetitive humor. Are you kidding?
As for description, it's neat and easy to read, as comedy writing most often should be. Excellent use of verbs, by the way.
The jokes struck home and genuinely made me laugh, and that's really all they're supposed to do. So I'll mention it, if only to affirm your quality.
As for the nitpick:
The "sadness and madness" bit seems awkward, partially due to the rhyme. Aside from that, "pit of sadness" isn't exactly the most interesting way to go about describing it, and the madness part is just unclear. You also double-typed "you" in the second part.
Other than that, I see no issues.
Overall, this is a surprisingly good read. You seem to have a good understanding of the priorities in comedy, while giving the audience an unexpectedly deep social comment. The jokes are undeterred by any seriousness, and the characters only add to that. It's a shame that I can't give you something more fundamentally helpful, but I suppose that it's better not to need advice. Cheers!
-Chaser
Thanks and I am glad you enjoyed it!
Hey, Stegosaurus! I'm here to write a review which will hopefully help you in some way.
when he dropped the eraser as an attempt to fix a problem.
The way you've worded this makes it sound as if dropping an eraser would solve a problem. I think what you mean is he dropped it while attempting to fix a problem. Just some rewording will fix it.
The teacher had yelled for Kid to pick up the eraser but as trying to pick it up,
Similarly, 'as' should be replaced with while. I don't know how to explain the difference between the two words, since you could use as, but you'd need to reword it. Like this: ...pick up the eraser but as he tried to pick it up...
a app that lets you take a picture while sending it simulationaly to thousand of people without the hassle of no internet.
Two typos: An* app, simultaneously*. And I really like the idea of that app.
I love the way you named most of the kids 'Kid', but with slight variations. It made it seem as if their real identities didn't really matter, perhaps that the teacher saw them as subjects rather real people with personalities. It made the story more basic, easy to follow, and somehow added humour, because I found myself laughing at their names.
The plot flowed well, and the whole eraser plot was fun to read. Thanks for sharing this, and definitely keep continuing your story!!