It was sunny day with clouds scattered throughout the area. Below the bright blue sky, was a boy who had a rocket and a dream; although the dream was short-lived when it started to rain suddenly and that was the beginning of a bad day. However, a few miles away, another boy with the same rocket was going to have such luck that the luck would crush his poor innocent soul.
That is basically life but it isn't the whole grilled cheese sandwich. Oh no, the sandwich- I mean, story, is just beginning. And it begins with a boy named Maxwell Long, who coincidentally was eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
He chewed thoughtfully, staring at the black TV screen in his own little world pictured the perfect things. Eating little biscuits with jam and having a party to celebrate these good things in life and accident free for zero days- but that was besides the point. He had finished off the grilled cheese, hopping off the couch and staring out the gloomy weather of England. A boring place in his opinion, filled with sheep and people who drink tea out of the fit of boredom. He passed the window onward to the kitchen, setting his plate on the nearby table and looking in the fridge to drink- nothing. He sighed, residing to a glass of water and went into his own world staring at the blank TV with a blank stare.
His mother was worried for the most part, as he was spending so much time in his own world that he had seemed to forget about the real world. She left him outside, setting him down on his bottom- which was getting cold from the mud- and left him like garbage. He had stared intensely at a rock on the road while the cars flew past, not knowing the boy was shivering from the cold England air. The animals near his feet- such as mice and other small creatures- huddled and presented food as an offering, thus he was on a diet of dumpster diving and finding the food that no one would touch (unless you were a dumpster diver- but getting off topic since something was happenin-)
A knock abrupting Max from his thoughts, leaving him off at a cliffhanger- quite literally, as a unicorn was dangling from a cliff. He swiftly walked to the door, looking at the mirror quickly as he patted the lump of brown fluff on his head called hair and peeked through the keyhole. A blue eye met his brown eye as he sighed, slumping on the door.
Please don't be who I think it is. Please. Please, he thought over and over again as he unlocked all the locks except the chain lock.
"Max the Attacker!" A voice chirped. Max groaned.
"Hello Hannah."
"Is that all I am? Hannah?"
Max sighed. "Hello Hannah Banana." As he thought these nicknames as thinking they were pointless and could be used if you forget the name of your best friend. And to think if they died, the last name that they would remember would be Hannah Banana.
"Can I come in?"
Max studied the window on the door. "Why?"
Hannah rolled her eyes, with her hands on her hip. "Today is Sunday."
"I know what today is. I have a calendar right there," Max pointed to the east wall, where a calendar was neatly nailed on the wrong month.
Hannah huffed.
"What?"
"Today is Sunday," Hannah repeated sternly.
"Yes, you said that before. Is it someone's birthday? Did someone die? If so, I am sorry for your loss." Max said, scraping the paint off of his door. Hannah narrowed her eyes, stepping closer to the door startling Max.
"Today is Sunday, Max. Think about it," Hannah whispered harshly before turning on heel and walking away. Max shook his head confused as he locked all the locks and before he turned around, another knock came at the door.
"What now?" Max exasperatedly said, walking back to the door. He repeated the process and saw the same blue eye staring through the keyhole.
"Hannah what is-"
"It isn't Hannah, you dumb-witted coconut," a male voice snapped.
Hello headache number two, Max thought as the beginning of his headache now returned.
"Hello Jonathan, why are you here?"
"Today is Sunday."
"What is it with everyone and Sunday?"
Jonathan let out a deep throaty laugh while leaning on the side of the house. "Dude, Today is Sunday."
"Dude, I know what today is. I have a nifty calendar over there," Max retorted.
"Look man, I don't want to fight but Today is Sunday."
Max sighed, looking up at the ceiling. What do they mean by Today is Sunday, he thought as the little voices in his head chattered.
"It means they think you are stupid and don't know the days of the week," a voice piped in.
"No, no. They are just gently-"
"How is repeating 'Today is Sunday' gently?" A voice argued.
"Or they could be talking about the band, Today is Sunday," a voice wavered in.
"Oh. Right. Carry on!"
Max looked through the peephole to see Jonathan still there, leaning against the wall on his phone. he sighed, unlocking the lock and opening the door.
"Today is Sunday!"
Jonathan smiled, mostly his picture got the most likes he ever got and secondly he was smiling because you have to smile when someone exclaims; human nature.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi Stegosaurus!
#NaRevWriMo
Here to review this just as I promised! This is a strong start to your story. It does have a hint of random in it, but I do think that is what you were aiming for because this is a humor kind of story. You've already introduced us to who I think will be the three main characters - that is Jonathan, Max and Hannah. They seem to have some key words to themselves and I am looking forward to hearing about all the trouble they might get into! Max seems reluctant to spend time with them, but I am sure he is going to love it when they do get started, or loves them deep down.
I was a bit confused when it comes to the mother part. I think you should take some more time to describe the mother when we get to her. What does she look like and what does she say as she is doing all this? Is she voicing her worries, demanding that he go out and 'make friends' or what? Also, you should try and make it a bit clearer that this all happened in the past. That the mother put him out there for some time before and that eventually she did let him back in (because from the sound of things he seems like he stays homeless forever, but in the next paragraph he is back in the house, so that can't be a possibility.)
Also, I wouldn't mind having a bit more setting. I am having trouble picturing where all this is happening. Apart from mention of the chains by the door and the telly, I can't imagine what Max's house looks like. Maybe he will scan the room and look at some of the furniture or ornaments which you can describe in a bit more detail for us. The layout of a room can sometimes tell us how many people are living there and of course, what kind of people are living there which is also very important for us! So don't forget to take the time to describe the setting for us.
Other than those two points the majority of things I have for you are nitpicks. Some of these are mistakes you make and if you really take heed of these particular rules and problems you can solve them for when you write the next chapter! It's not about the story but the correctness of English here. So let's do it!
I think opening sentences are very important and you have a steady one here. But it is a bit too long for my liking, or for a sentence to be, really. In that sentence you link the sky with a boy and that doesn't really need to happen. I would put a full stop after the word 'area,' and then get rid of the next word, so the second starts with 'below'. Just to make that second sentence run smoothly when reading I would make the word 'short-termed' short-lived instead.
You need a comma after the first word in this sentence.
The second 'that' should be it.
Comma needed after the word 'story'.
Another sentence that is a little too long. Also, you can't use 'picturing' the way you did. For every verb there needs to be a subject. So you would actually need to say 'he pictured'. Also, there should be a full stop after the words 'perfect things.' Because the next thing you do is list examples. So you should make it a separate sentence because it is a separate idea. I would make the beginning of the new one 'For example eating little biscuits... etc'.
I think you mean fit of boredom seeing as boredness isn't a word
Here we also have a comma splice. It's when a comma replaces the word you really need to make the sentence make sense. In this case you can remove the comma and make put the word because instead. Or you could even put a full stop and then add a couple of words to the beginning of the next sentence to make it make sense. That's completely up to you!
I think the word you're looking for here is 'peeked.'
I think the word 'all' being put after unlocked would be a good addition to the sentence.
Again, you have put a verb without backing it up with a subject. I would make it 'as he thought' instead of thinking. That way the verb thinking has a subject (person) to be doing it.
Should be I am sorry for your loss.
*scraping.
Technically, you can't exasperate your words. You need to say something exasperatedly. So you should put the word said after Max. But don't forget to add a comma after the word said as well!
That's all I have for you! This was a good beginning, Stego, and I would be interested in reading more if you ever do post some. If you do, come to my wall and leave a link to let me know!
Deanie x
Thanks <3
Thanks <3
Hey Steg!
Here to review your lovely chapter (and hopefully follow along with the next ones!) Sorry if I get a little bit nitpicky, I'll try to focus more on the overall plot.
I think the end of this sentence would sound a bit better as "people who drink tea out of boredom." I don't think boredness is a word?
I think you mean something like, "resigning himself to a glass of water" because residing means living somewhere. Also, since you had stare and blank earlier, you may want to modify it to "staring at the dark TV blankly."
So, I would just recommend looking over the entire chapter for any typos or sentences that sound off. I have noticed several, and it's fine because everyone has strange sentences and typos. The key is just to check over your work carefully. It shouldn't be a problem!
Funny, but you might want to change the wording a bit so it's not redundant. How about something like this? "leaving him off at a cliffhanger- quite literally, as a unicorn was dangling from a cliff." That would still convey humor, and it wouldn't use the same exact words.
Maybe "snapped" rather than inquired- an inquiry is a question. ^-^
You should probably write out your numbers, like two.
Okay, nice job overall, although after reading it through, I realize the beginning is rather random and doesn't relate at all to the story so far. Who are the boys with rockets? If it's relevant later on, you may want to wait to include it in a future chapter. You could also italicize it so that it's separate from the main story. Also, Hannah's character is a bit confusing, but it will probably clear up as we encounter her more!
You have a pretty good beginning, and usually I personally find it hard to "get into the story" at first, so I trust you'll find your groove pretty soon here and the chapters will just flow out~
I hope to read the next chapter when you post it!
-Falco
Thank you for the review! ^^
Oh gosh, I love this. Max is so me that it's scary. I can NOT wait to read more.
A couple of little nitpicking things to point out for you. In the first paragraph you say "although the dream was short-termed when it started to rain suddenly and that was the beginning of a bad day." I would've said short-lived just so the sentence will read smoothly. I would also delete suddenly for, again, smoothness.
In the second paragraph, I love the whole sandwich thing but I'm not sure about how you mention the author directly by using "I." It just seems out of place, I'm not entirely sure how to explain it.
"She left him outside, setting him down on his bottom- which was getting cold from the mud- and left him like garbage."
When did she leave him outside? I'm assuming when he was little bitty.
"A knock abrupting Max from his thoughts, leaving him off at the cliffhanger of a unicorn on a cliff hanging."
Abrupting isn't the right word to use here. Maybe, you could use lugging, pulling, wrenching, dragging. A number of other words.
Another thing about this sentence is that it's missing a coma somewhere. I read it as a unicorn on an overhanging of a cliff. It could be a million different things if you don't specify. A unicorn on a cliff, hanging. You could even say "leaving him off at the cliffhanger of a unicorn hanging on a cliff." If that's what you were going for.
I loved it and especially loved the calendar. It just adds so much character to Max.
P.S. Look up the song Can't Get It Right Today by Joe Purdy. I was listening to that while I read your story and your avatar walks to the beat and it's adorable...
Thank you for the review!