Published August 2, 2005
Night calls the living thoughts
Day remembers them with fuzzy detail.
Connected paths mix with within
Falling situations make their place.
The thought
The mood
The passing
Become a single strand.
Never knowing how things will end
The begining just as astranged.
Holding a feeling deep and hidden
Becomes the new position.
Stage set but never the exact
Smelling a smell but not in the air.
Tasting apon the lips
Only felt on the back of the tounge.
The look of the area before the third eye
Never blinking, aginst the view.
Hands outright, fingers attentive.
Only the thought makes it compelle.
Tense moment followed by darkness
No smell No touch
No taste No view
Darkness around, sinking back down.
Try as the might to be back once from.
Remembering what was there.
Afar as it has ever been.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,682 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
i really like this, it's not like every other poem, you strew the words together in a nice simplistic way as well
lulu
interesting topic choice, but a few minor corrections, as matt mentioned, should be made.
Hmmm...I agree with Matt. Especially about the last stanza...I don't get where that came from. It sounds more llike you didn't know how to end the poem, so tried to make a dramatic ending. Well, it's dramatic, but it doesn't make sense. Try re-wording things like what matt said, and definately fix the ending. If you did this than it will be great.
I hate seeing so many topics unanswered, so I'm bringing this up to flex my critting muscles.
Below I have just corrected some things and put some suggestions.
I'm not sure what this is really supposed to mean, particularly the last stanza, and the first line of the last stanza. I think there are some good ideas here, which simply need to be more clearly expressed.