Dawn peeked over the forest embellished mountains. Ayla lay on a blanket of dew, gazing at the last fading stars. Her long, gray hair fell around her. The early sunlight lit up her dull, gold eyes. She stretched a pale limb toward the evening star. It was the perfect morning, well, almost.
"Hey, are you alright?" Oh no. No,no,no. A boy had snuck up on her. How did he find her hideout? She stood, prepared to run.
"Hey, who-", He froze. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.
Ayla's hair veiled her torso, her eyes shone like fire. A guarded look replaced her earlier calm. The boy stepped forward, and she fled.
Ayla raced down the mountain, her heart going as fast as her feet. Passing the old angel oak tree, she leapt through a curtain of blooming wisteria. She slowed down. There ahead, following a cobblestone path, was her cottage. It was magical with crimson,roses and lavender,wisteria trailing up its side. A tiny stone chimney poked through the shingled roof. She took a deep breath and stepped inside.
"There you are Ayla. I was starting to worry fell down the mountain rather than ran." Her grandmother giggled to herself. She was an elderly woman with stark white hair. She had a frail, short body, but by her attitude she could've been 20 years old. Her jade,green eyes were soft as well as her expression.
Ayla hesitated, "Grandmother...someone saw me.", she began to ramble, "but it's okay because he didn't follow me, and if it helps, I'll stay indoors and avoid the mountain for awhile..." She trailed off.
Her grandmother just sat there at the kitchen table, smiling. Slowly, she stood up.
"Ayla, you said it was a boy who saw you?" Ayla nodded.
Her grandmother's smile grew ."So, why did you run?"
Ayla couldn't believe what she was hearing. After 12 years of her grandmother telling her to stay hidden and to never let anyone see her, she now contradicted herself. Why would her grandmother suddenly decide none of that mattered?
"Ayla,dear, did you think I'd keep you holed up here forever? You're not that little 3 year old girl I found up here in the mountains anymore. You're 15. Practically an adult, and I believe you're responsible enough to have at least a few friends. If you want, I'll even sign you up for public school. Of course, we will have to be more careful. No one must ever know how I found you, understand? That is the only rule." Her grandmother gave her one last smile and turned to make breakfast.
"Understood, Grandmother. I'm going to have to think about going the school issue though." Ayla walked down the hall and entered her room. Dark,blue walls and shining,sequin stars stared back at her. She collapsed onto her bed. The gray quilt sunk beneath her. Why couldn't she go to school? It would be fun, wouldn't it? She rolled over onto her stomach and glared up at the mountain. It was all that boys' fault. He saw her, and now her grandmother was giving her complete freedom of choice. Wait a second. This meant she could go see the town for the first time, and hang out with friends. She could explore more than the mountains.
Suddenly, this school idea didn't sound too bad after all.
Ayla crawled out her window. It was 7AM. If she were lucky, she could make it to the school before classes started. She had never snuck out before and she definitely never went to town. Yet, here she was, sneaking into town to see what the big deal about school was. Ayla had barely gotten out of her room when her grandmother walked in.
"Ayla, were you that curious? It's ok, we'll go together. I'll meet you outside." She smiled and walked out. This day couldn't get any stranger.
Stumbling down the crumbling mountain, they finally reached the path to town. The sun was brushing the the wildflowers. It was turning out to be beautiful weather. As her grandmother trudged down the town square sidewalk, people moved out of the way and some smiled warmly. She was well respected in the market and maybe even a bit feared. Old lady living in a cottage on the mountain, yeah, good for gossip in a small town. However, most thought she was a witch. Walking by the different stores, Ayla was shocked. She didn't know town was so bustling. Everywhere they passed was bright and colorful with old bricks in between. She noticed something else too.
No matter where she looked, people stared back. She had forgotten. To the townspeople,Ayla was a stranger. She ducked her head and fell in step with her grandmother.
Hiya! I'm Stupid and I'll be reviewing your story. I'm gonna go through as look for any mistakes or errors, then I'll give you my oerall impressino at the end:
"I was starting to worry fell down the mountain rather than ran."
I just noticed the omission of the word 'you', but the reason I quoted this was because it didn't feel much like natural speech. When writing dialogue, my general rule is to read every line of speech out loud, just to make sure it flows like somebody talking. The addition of 'rather than ran' seems unnecessary, and while I couldn't truthfully say I know why, it doesn't feel like natural speech. So maybe just read out some of your dialogue (or think it in somebody else's voice if you don't want to say it).
"Her grandmother's smile grew ."So, why did you run?""
This is a small thing really, but for most of your dialogue you've added a line, rather than embed it. It flows better in the reader's mind if you keep this consistent, as it just looks a little better on the page.
""Ayla,dear,"
"Dark,blue walls and shining,sequin"
These are the two example I picked out, but there may have been more I missed. I'd say just read through and make sure you have a space after every comma. I'm not sure it's a de facto rule, but it certainly looks better. The way your work is presented is almost as important as the work itself.
So, that's all I noticed in terms of small errors and such, which is good, as it was mostly presentational issues really. I know it's easy to lose yourself in creating your characters and world, which is why it's always vital that once you've created the substance of your work, you go through to make sure it looked good to read. Also, dialogue, which is a common issue for writers as it's hard to type natural speech. But these are all easily fixable and don't do anything to ruin the quality of your description.
Speaking of, I loved your description as I could genuinely picture every setting your protagonist went to, which is quite rare for me. I usually skip description and selfishly create my own space for the characters involved, but here I didn't want to. So well done for that.
As for your characters, they were mostly sound and made sense, but there were two small issues I wanted to address. At the start, it's a little unclear who Ayla was and who Dawn was. It may make things easier if you simply left Dawn unnamed for the time being, introducing him properly later on. I was under the impression that Dawn was traditionally a girls name, though I might be wrong so don't change it if I am, but personally I'd choose another name. My second issue was Ayla wanting to climb out the window and see the town for herself. I understand that she's a shy and naturally flighty character, but if her Gran really is her only human contact, I would expect a higher level of trust between them. It doesn't really add to the narrative and it didn't feel right.
Finally, I liked how it ended, just because you built up Ayla's feeling of being uncomfortable around the townsfolk well. That contrasted well with how she clung to her Gran, representing (I assume) the start of a slow reconnection with society.
I really liked this and, while it needs a bit of work, think it could be a start of something good. Keep it up and feel free to message me if you have any questions, or simply want a review for other parts of the story. Let me know when there's more!
Keep writing,
Stupid
Hola!
However, here's what I would suggest:
I really liked the description that you used. The characters were not common, something which really draws me into the story. I like that you described the setting well, and the content in general is awesome
1) I can't really tell what time period it is. I mean, you talk about public schools and stuff, so I assume it's not that far in the past. But then again there's the whole 'cottage' and small town thing...I'm a teeny bit confused.
2) Maybe add in some description about the scene where Ayla gets discovered by the boy. I felt that it moved a little fast, but maybe that's just me.
Apart from that, awesome job, and welcome to YWS!!!
Hey there!
Okay, you definitely have me intrigued. What pulled me into this story was your vivid descriptions of Ayla. For example:
What a great description and good details! I love the eccentric use of giving her gray hair and golden eyes at such a young age. I was also "lured" into the story when she ran away from the boy. It causes the reader to wonder why Ayla is so shy or why she shouldn't be meeting people. It causes the reader to wonder about the strange gray haired young girl in the woods...I mean, what's not mysterious about that?
There's a few nitpick critiques I have. One is about the commas. Throughout this piece I feel there was an excess amount of commas. Commas are probably the hardest punctuation mark to you properly and well. This is because it's very easy to OVERUSE them. A few spots I felt could have been better with an "and" instead of a comma.
For instance:
It should be:
The comma's are unneeded because when you read this sentence there's no pause. Only put commas in a sentence for the reader to take a breath. Commas are mostly exchangeable with the word, "and." Use them wisely because they can get in the way of an easy read!
Fix this sentence structure:
Switch the placement of the comma and it reads more closely to how the sentence would actually sound.
That's my one major critique, but other than that I loved the story. I don't say this often but I want to see the next part of this novel! The description of the queer characters has me wanting more. Keep at it because novels are tedious to write!
-Jadefox