Young Writers Society

Hello! Very well done on this short poem! It’s very sweet, and defiantly sounds like something I would tell my little sister at bedtime. I also agree with the other people here. This poem definitely sounds like it could be part of a song.

If you would like, you can disregard my opinion. So feel free to do as you wish with it.

Over all, the poem is easy to read and understand. Although, as stated below it’s written in couplets for all except the last two lines. With a poem that is more simplistic like this, or just any poem in general I would keep to that format all the way through instead of changing it with the last two lines. Also, the word starling is normally used to refer to a living thing. Kind of like a person or some sort of alien. That being said, since the rest of that line is,

‘Why can I not stay forever in the...’

It seems as though it is referring to a place not a person or other living thing. So, something more suitable could be star light. Also, with this it would help you to continue the rhyme scheme and flow of the rest of your poem.

Regardless of my opinion, it is still a very well written work. I can’t wait to read more of your writing. Keep up the good work!

Hi! I just wanted to pop by and give this a quick little read, and I thought I'd leave a few comments on this!

First of all, I love how flowing this is, and how it matures a sweet nursery rhyme that most hear throughout their childhood.

There are a few things that irk me, though, are all in the last 2 lines. The first is the fact that the two lines don't rhyme. The rest of the poem is written in couplets, and this pair isn't. In a poem that's only 6 lines, that's a big deal.

The second thing that I draw issue with is the use of "starling" - it just doesn't fit. Not only does it mess up your rhyme scheme, but from what I know of starlings, I know from bird-watching with my grandmother! Doesn't quite fit in with the topic of the poem.

The third thing is simple - I think you have a typo! It's where you use "wit." That would make a whole lot more sense if you said "wait" instead. Oh what a difference an "a" makes.

Great job on a beautiful work though!

Hello!

ShaikhTheWorld here, writing a short novice review for your poem.

I found the lyrical nature of the poem to be quite delightful - it's almost smooth enough to be sung like a song! :3

However, it is my opinion that a few minor changes can be made to it, that shall make it even better.

a) Capitalization, resulting in 'Star bright'

b) Replacing 'starling' with 'Star light', since it matches the flow of your poem better (and makes it so much more beautiful - although I also find the nonsensical nature of using starling here as pretty interesting )

c) Correction of 'wit' to 'wait', just a small fix.

That'll be it for my review.
Welcome to YWS, I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your works here!

Radrook here to provide another scintillating review for those who request it on order to improve their writing. Please note that all my comments are meant to be helpful. However, if by any chance I happen to offend accidentally, then you have my sincerest apologies beforehand. Also, please feel free to reject any suggestion that you deem unhelpful. That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem based upon the famous nursery rhyme. It expresses the desire to remain in the realm where wishes might be possible. We aren't told what the task that awaits with the rising of the sun might be but the speaker considers it unpleasant enough to evade if possible. I like the poem because it expresses the common human yearning to be i control of every nuance of our lives and avoid the reality that we are not and must face every day with uncertainties which we would much rather avoid.

Suggestions

Did you mean " ....but still the sun rises so I must wait until tomorrow." ?

I paused to ponder how the word "starling" fits in since a starling is either a bird or a structure which protects a pier.
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/starling

So I concluded that you meant "starlight".

[B]ut [still] the sun rises so I must [wait] until tomorrow night.

Don't know how "wit"fits in.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.