Delta500

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“Ma’am, we’ve got another one.” a female voice beeped into her ear.

“Another? That’s the fifth person this month.”

Captain Pru Xedus sighed. The H.A.L.O chip was created to read high levels of rage, animosity, as well as sociopathic tendencies; once it deemed the person incorrigible, it notified the police and temporarily disabled mobility until the proper authorities arrived at the scene. Even then, five people had disappeared on her watch since the chips to prevent unlawful death were implemented.

Once the H.A.L.O chips usefulness was realized, death rates significantly dropped, triggering the fall of crime rate and all but eliminating criminal rings.

“Yes, I’m sending the evidence through to your Holo-Dis.”

“Thank you, I’ll be waiting to receive transmission.”

“Very well, Ma’am.”

Pru activated the small metallic wrist band encircling her wrist. The Holo-Dis was created to be a portable computer used by the military during combat. A circular feature on the face of the band projected a holographic display mimicking a computer monitor. The soldier would then be able to move about the screen using hand movement, similar to a touch screen.

The decrease in the earth’s forestry around 2015 provoked scientists into creating alternative means of communication that would eliminate the need to use paper, thus marked the birth of the Holographic Display System. The Holo-Dis allowed soldiers to hold maps, letters, and journals, as well as receive orders from ranking officers. The creators were also asked to develop a way for the Holo to be destroyed in the event of capture. Since the device runs on the kinetic energy created by the wrists rubbing against the metal of the surface, a soldier is able to release the Holo from around their wrist triggering an emergency deactivation sequence alerting not only their superior officers of their location, but also sending out an electric surge; frying the internal hard drive and preventing the captors from receiving ally information.

Pru pressed the interface and the monitor sprang to life. Four profiles had already been read through and analysed and she was waiting to receive another. These people were a mystery; none of their chips had been activated, they just suddenly disappeared off the map.

She rubbed at the headache forming in her temples then tapped the new file that had appeared on the screen.

Ryker Zynn. Captain of the twenty first fleet of the Galactic Airforce, recently returned from an exploration trip to Jupiter. He was twenty six and served ten years in the military. He enlisted into the Junior Rangers when he was sixteen and transferred to the Galactic Airforce when he was eighteen. Last seen location was a bar on Harvard Street, less than five miles away.

Nothing about these cases seemed to make sense. The victim’s age ranges were all across the board and the ethnicity didn’t seem to come into account. Their daily lives didn’t intermingle either. Peculiar.

“Computer, power up.”

“Powering up,” an automated voice resounded throughout the room, “identification please.”

“Captain Pur Xedus, identification number: 172272.”

“Voice activation complete, match found. Welcome Captain Pru Xedus, identification number 172272. How can I be of assistance?”

Contemplating search topics, Pru leaned back in her chair and looked out at the city. The office block she was in was one of many eco-skyscrapers pockmarking the busy city. These environmentally friendly buildings were created to counter balance the mass destruction of the vegetation during world war three. Radioactivity and heat from the great nuclear war had ravaged plant life. These liveable vertical rainforest and sky gardens connected three separate floating glass structures fashioning an elongated tri-hourglass shape. Surrounding this fragile environment is an iridescent white exoskeleton allowing for greater stability and structure. By allowing plant life to be a part of the city and technology, scientists were able to reverse the effects of the war and begin to produce the needed oxygen for the metropolises.

An Axis30 glided by, briefly casting a shadow into the room. Her own Axis perched on a personal landing platform outside her office; the transparent solar modules laid on the surface of the roof gleamed in the evening rays.

“Computer, locate all bars on Harvard Street.”

“Searching. Five matches found.” Pru scrolled through Ryker’s file.

“Find all information pertaining to The Alley on Harvard Street.”

“The Alley: a property specializing in the sale of alcoholic beverages. Constructed in 2017 by proprietor Finnick Nova. Average yearly revenue, 445,000 American currencies. Five full time staff including Finnick Nova, proprietor. Average yearly salary per staff member, 60,000 American currencies. Interior renovated after kitchen fire in 2018. News article available for analysis. Fire Inspectors initial inquiry available for analysis. Finnick Nova official statement available for analysis. Menu items include…”

“Computer, stop search.”

“Search complete. How can I be of assistance?” Pru stood and absently walked around her office, completing a full circuit before sitting on the edge of the desk. Arms crossed, she attempted to connect the dots of her case. Then a thought occurred to her. It was a far shot, but worth a try.

“Computer, search Ryker Zynn and The Alley. Combine.”

“Searching Ryker Zynn and The Alley. One match located. Ryker Zynn, regular attendee at The Alley. Tab recently cleared.”

“Computer, conduct secondary search and map similarities. Conduct search for…” Pru tapped her Holo and combed through the content, “…conduct examination pertaining to the names as follows and The Alley: Vega Bardos, Reglin Niro, Magnus Quinn, and Tallic Edom.”

“Mapping similarities, this may take a moment.” If there was something there, she could be onto something. Possibly.

“Map rendered. Similarities evident between Ryker Zynn, Vega Bardos, Reglin Niro, Magnus Quinn, Tallic Edom as applies to The Alley. All persons are or have been regular attendees at The Alley. All attendees had tab cleared within the current month. All persons now missing and have been reported to Special Military Affairs lead investigator Captain Pru Xedus. Similarities end.”

“Computer, save history. Direct to Captain Pru Xedus, identification number: 172272, Holo-Dis 0073.”

“Beginning save. Sending to Captain Pru Xedus, identification number: 172272, Holo-Dis 0073. Send complete. How can I be of assistance?”

“Computer, no further assistance required. Initiate shut down immediately.”

“Thank you, initiating shut down sequence.”

Pru picked up her bag and checked her Holo for the time, 22:35 pm, or 10:35 civilian time. Nightlife should be well underway. Before heading out Pru spoke into her ear piece.

“Ahn, I’m heading out, you won’t be receiving further instructions.” Pru leaned her hip against the desk waiting for a response. A click warned Pru before her assistant’s voice came through.

“Thank you Ma’am, I’ll be leaving shortly.”

“Tell Lonn I send him my regards.”

Lonn was Ahns husband and had worked under Pru before he had been transferred to a separate sector.

“Very well Ma’am.” Another click signalled the end of the conversation.

She walked to the sliding glass doors leading to the platform.

“Lights off,” immediately the room was bathed in the soft florescent light of the emergency pod. Stepping out onto the platform the sliding glass slid closed behind her, squeaking slightly as the air inside was sealed shut.

The metalized platform adhered to her boots and allowed her to walk safely to the end where her Axis was stationed. The wind of the thirty second floor was atrocious and whipped her hair around, lashing at her face. The lights from the city and other crafts illuminated the night sky and the roadways winding throughout the city made for an interesting patchwork of color.

Pru placed her hand on the print recognition system and waited for the automatic door to lift open. She threw her bag into the passenger seat and started the rotaries.

“Welcome Pru, to your fully automated Axis 30, where are we off too?”

“Axis, switch the manual.”

“As you wish. Switching to manual in three- two- one.” A joystick erected itself out of the center console. Quietly the multiple engines came to life and the Axis was cushioned off the ground using the high air pressure created by the impeller located under the frame.

“Axis 30, metalize. Platform 32, begin vertical positioning.“

“Axis 30, metalizing in three- two- one.” A resistance pulled against the force of the high air pressure, securing the Axis to the platform. Slowly the craft rotated vertically, clinging to the magnetic field of the luminous roadway the transformed platform had created. Pru took hold of the stick and manoeuvred the Axis onto the main exit, joining one other craft on the decent to the ground.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
veeren
Review
veeren wrote a review · Sun Feb 10, 2013 1:49 am

Backs agains :D

Can't believe I didn't catch this before, but

Spoiler
Five people had disappeared on her watch since the chips to prevent unlawful death were implemented.


Maybe you should move this to the end of the paragraph? It would only make sense that you explain what these 'chips' are before you talk about them. However, you'll need to rephrase this sentence in that case: Even then, five people had disappeared on her watch since the chips were implemented.
Or something to that extent.
Actually now that I'm reading, this line should be the next paragraph, and the next paragraph should end this one, if that makes any sense ^.^'

Spoiler
around 2015, provoked


The comma isn't needed.

Spoiler
Four files had


Perhaps you should say profiles. It's commonly used when talking about people, at least I think it is :P Either way, it gives us more of an indication on the types of file you're talking about, and more smoothly leads in to the next sentence.

Spoiler
than fivemiles away.


Don't forget to hit that spacebar.

Spoiler
The victims’ age


The apostrophe should be before the 's', to show ownership. You'd only use it after if the word ended in an 's'.

Spoiler
Rykers’ file.


And here.

Spoiler
dots ofher case.


Space.

Spoiler
A thought occured to her, it was a far shot but worth a try.


Then a thought occurred to her. It was a far shot, but worth a try.

Spoiler
Thank you, Initiating


Lower case 'I' unless you're gonna put a period before it.

Spoiler
colourful
color


I just found it weird you spelled it both ways :P
And this sentence was a bit redundant. Saying some colorful looked like a patchwork of color?

Spoiler
where are we off too.


This is a question, and as such should have a question mark.

Spoiler
three…two…one.


I'm not an expert with ellipsis', but when you use three consecutive periods ( ... ) it usually means you're omitting information, such as from a quote. They don't really mean that you're pausing. But if you're going to use them, I'd suggest putting a space after each set (not each period).

Spoiler
“ Axis 30, metalizing


See, now your spacebar's just messing with you.

And the rest is fine.
Once again, excellent work. It was still much better written than I thought it would, as was the story itself.
What I would like to see now is a prologue solely for the purpose of explaining some of the things that aren't too clear here. While I could make out some of the new gadgets and stuffs that you created, others might not be able to. Basically, we need a bit of back story. We have the meat, but not the bone. The back, bot not the spine. The cereal, but not the-
Yeah you get it.

Otherwise, great work again, Star :D
Remember to find me when you write more.

User avatar
dogs
Review
dogs wrote a review · Sat Feb 09, 2013 4:01 pm

“Tell Lonn I send him greetings.”

That just sounds weird, like what we would expect Aliens to say in place of "regards" and what not. Of course this is in the future and that wording is up to you, but to me it just sounds odd.

I find it shockingly astounding that that one line is the only problem I had with your writing apart from my previous suggestions. Quite impressive indeed, your imagery is used incredibly effectively and your language is as smooth as silk. Making this piece incredibly easy to read and enjoyable to read as well. You just give us facts instead of loading us with imagery, but use enough imagery to create a scene and it really makes a strong picture in the readers head. All around well done with this piece, I am very impressed, which is a difficult thing to do, especially in books. As always you must let me know when you post the next chapter, I am quite curious. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

User avatar
veeren
Review
veeren wrote a review · Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:55 am

Hey there Starleene :D

Spoiler
The female voice


This should be 'a female voice', saying 'the' makes it sound like it's the only one. If that makes any sense.

Spoiler
This was the fifth person to disappear


This sounds redundant, since you'd just told us a sentence before. I'd re-write it to: Five people had disappeared

Spoiler
temporarily disables


This should be 'disabled', try to stick to the same tense.

Spoiler
was realized death rates


Comma after realized.

Spoiler
runs on the kinetic energy


Any science geek would know this isn't possible :P
But I suppose you could work with it.

Spoiler
been activated they just


Comma after 'activated'.

Spoiler
She rubbed at the headache forming in her temples and tapped the new file that had appeared on the screen.


But not at the same time, right?

The rest is fine. I'm actually surprised at how well this is written, and it's quite an interesting idea. The flow was good, nothing really distracted me from the reading, and you were able to draw me in without a problem. I'd love to read more of this, if you're willing to post any.
Even if you don't, keep on writing. :D


I guess this is now obsolete. I'll get right on the new one :D

User avatar
Starleene
Comment

This is not the complete chapter, I just wanted to get some feed back on what I have so far! :D

Hey. I really like it. However, I think you can describe what the HALO devise did better. Those sentance confused me. I think that it would be good to think about what you want in your mind and put it down on paper, think about it so that it is clear and understandable to the reader. Explain it straight forward and simply.

Also you can explain about the decrees of forest and who this happened. Maybe people were carless about the environment, maybe it was a major source of export.

As far as the Holo-dis. Could it be solar powered? That would make more sense. Overall, it was very good and interesting. Good job for your first ever sci-fic piece. Keep writing!! :D

P.S. if you need any help on creature creation/science/gadgets etc.. Just message me!

Awesomeness!! :D I <3 helping people!

User avatar
dogs
Review
dogs wrote a review · Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:10 am

"fall of crime rate and all but eliminating criminal rings"

This line sounds awkward, especially because of the run on. Break it into two different sentences.

"almost as a touch screen"

A little awkwardly worded. Try saying: "similar to a touch screen"

"this marked the birth of the Holographic Display System"

instead you should edit out the "this" because it sounds a little weird from the previous sentence and say: "thus marking the birth..."

"these people were a mystery. None of their.."

You use fragment sentences effectively in your writing usually, although if you have a chance to remove the fragment I would suggest dong so. It helps the flow, so put a comma instead of a period there.

Ok so great piece, I really really enjoy your writing style. You use fragment sentences remarkably well in your writing in most cases. As much as I enjoyed reading it I am incredibly disappointed with how you chose to end this chapter. It is such an incredible drop off, and a cliff hanger can be used effectively in many cases... but in this case it's like stopping a T.V show in mid sentence. You most certainly need to add more information to make this a stronger chapter. I want to know what happens and ending it there is not effect I'd say. Maybe add some dialogue from Pru insinuating she's going to check out the situation or foreshadowing what plot driven events are going to happen in the next chapter without revealing any surprises. Let me know when you post the next chapter because I want to read it :) Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032



My life, my loves, where are they now?
— Richard Linklater