Dim morning light peeked from beneath heavy winter curtains covering my window. Watching lazily, I attempted to count the tiny dust mote ballerinas floating around the light, to no avail. The silence of the room was only broken by the whisper of the wind brushing against the unyielding fortress that was my curtain. Sluggishly I excavated myself from the blankets piled on my bed, a small igloo shaped hole the only means to my way back in. I gave the curtains a smart tap and waited until I saw the snow that fell to my floor, absorbed by the plush carpeting that covered the entire room. Brushing back my last means of protection from the morning light, I squinted into the pearly brightness. Snow covered every inch of our front yard, turning my mom’s masterpiece into a winter wonderland.
One, two, three. Three cars in the driveway. My parents car, mine and Aidens.
Precisely on time, as always.
Tragically, I smushed my igloo into a presentable position, threw some pillows over the lumps and quickly snagged a look at my clock. 10:28 on a Saturday morning. Quickly I padded over to my doors and called to my dad who was just about to ascend the stair to wake me.
“I’m up!”
Sheepishly I brushed my bed head from my face to better see the knowing smile on my dad’s face.
“Well, be ready soon. Moms pancakes are almost done.”
“Kay.”
Not bothering to close the door, I discarded my fuzzy penguin pajamas in favor of some jeans and a green turtle neck I found thrown haphazardly over my lampshade.
Grabbing a hair tie and a brush from the night stand I quickly ran the brush through my mane of wildly, uncontrollable curls and ditched the brush and bound the tresses out of my face.
My house slippers waited me at the end of my bed like a puppy wanting to be played with. My ensemble was complete.
The smell of my mom’s delicious homemade pancakes accompanied me down the stairs and into the kitchen.
What waited for me wasn’t a surprise. Mom sitting on a bar stool next to dad reading a newspaper and snicking over the comics, while Aiden, adorned in an orange frilly apron, expertly flipped a batch of mom’s special pancakes.
Aiden looked up only long enough to acknowledge my presence then went back to managing the even flowing river of goodness.
“Morning mom,” I kissed her on the back of the head,” I see you have Aiden doing your dirty work again.”
“It’s not dirty work if he volunteers, sweetheart.” And she winked at me before going back to whatever she and dad were reading now.
“You are a strange, strange little man,” I told Aiden reaching for a cup and pouring myself a class of milk.
“Don’t blame me because you can’t cook,” He flipped a couple of browned pancakes onto a plate and handed it to me.
“That was seven years ago, can’t a girl catch a break around here.”
Three variations of no echoed from in the kitchen.
‘Sheesh, take your time and think about it. No rush.” Sarcasm. Used to deflect family humiliation since the beginning of time.
A couple minutes later, Aiden stacked the clean skillet in the cabinet, hung up moms’ apron, grabbed some cakes and pulled out a stool next to me.
“So what does the birthday girl want to do for the anniversary of her birth this year?” Leaning back I watched him cut half his pancake, mutilate it with a fork and shove it in his mouth. He looked like a chipmunk. Remarkable.
“I don’t know. I guess the same as every other birthday.”
Aidens mom and my parents have been closer than family since they moved here nine years ago.
“We do that every year. I don’t think I can take another ice skating lesson without killing myself."
“Then you pick the activity, it doesn’t really matter to me.”
Another mouth full as he mulled it over.
"A carnival came to town a couple days ago, why don't we go check it out? "
"Sounds good, but you're buying me cottoncandy."
"Sounds like a plan, Stan!" Aiden swiped the last of the syrup on his plate with his last bite and shoved it on his mouth.
"Alright, let's go. Mom wants to wish you a happy birthday. Hurry up and put some real shoes on."
I sighed and shoved the rest of my pancake in my mouth. No use arguing when Aiden has a plan in his head. I washed my plate and placed it in the dishwasher then marched over to the closet and yanked out my boots. Pulling them on, I finished chewing and watched Aiden say good bye to my parents then walk to the door.
"You're so imatient in the morning, jeez."
"Well we have a lot to do, people to see. Chop chop."
Walking through the door, I swated his shoulder, "Take some time to smell the roses, won'tcha'?"
"Pointless. They're frozen."
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Hey Star! I know you asked for a review on this a while ago, but I'm only just getting around to it x)
You've already gotten a lot of great comments, so I'll keep my opinions short and to the point!
First, I felt like the beginning wasn't as exciting as it could be. Honestly, I've read a ton of stories that start out simply by having the character wake up, stretch, yada yada. It's not a bad way to begin writing, but I just feel like that beginning paragraph could be exchanged with Every Other Waking Up Story Intro and we wouldn't have missed a beat. Don't get me wrong though, the description is lovely, I'm just giving you some food for thought.
I second Rydia when she says to cut back on the adverbs. I had this same problem myself when I came to YWS, and my writing really struggled because of it. The advice someone gave me was to re-write the chapter using none at all, and then figure out if you really need them. Take this part for instance:
Tragically, I smushed my igloo into a presentable position, threw some pillows over the lumps and quickly snagged a look at my clock. 10:28 on a Saturday morning. Quickly I padded over to my doors and called to my dad who was just about to ascend the stair to wake me.
“I’m up!”
Sheepishly I brushed my bed head from my face to better see the knowing smile on my dad’s face.
Now try it with something more like this:
I smushed my igloo into a presentable position, threw some pillows over the lumps, and quickly snagged a look at my clock. 10:28 on a Saturday morning. Padding over to my doors, I called to my dad who was just about to ascend the stair to wake me,
“I’m up!”
I brushed my bed head from my face sheepishly, to better see the knowing smile on my dad’s face.
It sounds a bit smoother to me! But this is your choice as an author.
"My house slippers awaited me at the end of my bed like a puppy wanting to be played with. My ensemble was complete."
I love love love this line ^_^
Ok, so this is a good start! In my opinion, it was a little slow-paced but that doesn't mean action isn't around the corner. You haven't really gotten into any conflict or given us too much insight as to what kind of person your main character is. To me, she seems to be just an average girl.
So it's all good, but you can make it even better. Keep writing, and see where your ideas can take you!
All the best,
Sheep
Finally -.- LOL
Hello my dear! I told you I was going to review something of yours and with only forty minutes of review day left, I think this will be my last one. So enjoy it and very nicely done today, you're a stellar captain and I salute you!
First sentences are important. I could ramble on for a long time about how they need to capture your reader's attention, but let's just leave it at that and see what we can do to make yours more powerful. At the moment it's a little bulky and it's easy to trip over the words. But if you'll forgive me for moving them around a little, I think it would be more effective as something like:Specifics
1.
A dusky dawn reached out from beneath the heavy, winter curtains to brush across my room.
It's a very quick re-write, but we've taken the attention away from the curtains and the window and returned the focus to the light and the room as a whole. We know the curtains are covering a window so let's get a pretty image in there instead, something that's going to set the scene.
2. I'm not sure tapping the curtains is enough to move the snow - I think you need to tap the window. That would also make more sense because the word tap suggests that you get the sound as well. Tap. Tap tap - and curtains don't make that sound.
3. I like the descriptiveness but you may be over-doing it on the visuals. It's a lot of words to tell us she's got out of bed and there is snow outside! Be sparing with your words. Descriptions are nice but the most effective are the ones that say a lot in a few sweet lines. That said, I like the image of the blankets as being like an igloo. Make sure you keep that!
4. You start a lot of sentences with adverbs - sheepishly, quickly, tragically. I think you need to throw a little more variation in. Sometimes it's fine to say 'I brushed my hair'. We can get a sense of her emotions from the way you write and the tone you set. A fast paced structure tells us she's excited, while a steadier structure suggests she's still a bit sleepy and maybe feeling a bit muddled.
5. Wait, the dad says he'll get her but then why does he wait to late to try and wake her up? I'm not sure that I follow the logic! My sister was notoriously hard to wake so our dad would come in half an hour early and pretend it was time to get up. Her father barely seems to be trying! It would make more sense if she was such an early riser that he's never able to wake her before she's up.
6. I'm not sure I got the slippers metaphor. I'm with you until there but how can slippers be like a puppy wanting to be played with? They're cosy but not exactly active or screaming for attention - more details please! Does she need to wrestle them on? Does she pat them first before she slips her feet inside, rubbing her hands across the soft fluffiness?
7. A couple of typos here! You've got a class of milk which sounds really cool but certainly isn't what you intended
8. Watch those tenses! You've got some present tense creeping in toward the end which needs fixing up.
9. Try to avoid little snippets of telling as it's better when you show us things. I already got the sense that Aiden spends a lot of time in this house, so you don't need the line: It takes the reader out of the story and feels like you're waving the obvious in our faces. Let us discover for ourselves what his relation to the family is.
Overall
It's too early to be able to comment much on plot, but you've got some nice descriptions going on. Not much really happens though and it's very short for a chapter. I think you need to make a list of things you want to establish here and one of those needs to be a hook. Why should we keep reading this and why should we care that the kid's mum makes really good pancakes? There's good detail in this like that and the snow but not enough dialogue to get a feel for any one character's personality or enough action to be hooked on the plot.
It's okay to have a slow chapter and we certainly need those here and there, but this one was too slow for me as it didn't build the characters, which is what slow chapters are for! It feels like you perhaps have too many in the room at once as you're torn between who to focus on and as such only give them a sentence here and there. You had a good opportunity early on to show us some of the back and forth between father and daughter, but you didn't extend that dialogue much or give them anything out of the ordinary to say. Also, this is how he greets her on her birthday? Is there a way we could know that it's her birthday earlier as I'd find that intriguing and very different to my own parents' procedure of 'Hi! Is it your birthday today, oh yes it is!' 'Gee mum, totally didn't know that'.
Those little details are what I want to see and I want to know how she feels about the lack of immediate birthday wishes.
Anyway, hopefully I've given you a few things to think about and I hope you find this useful!
All the best,
Heather xxx
I am totally using that line like "It's your birthday! Gee mom, I didn't know that." Haha
Hello buddy. i thought i should read one of your stories and review it.
let the reviewing begin.
First of all i loved the description and every detail specially in "My house slippers awaited me at the end of my bed like a puppy wanting to be played with"
First of all In any book the prologue or the first chapter is, as i call, the seducer.
You have to tempt your readers into devouring your book chapter by chapter, but regardless of how genius your way of writing is , your seducer is not the effective you have to either put more factors or prolong the chapter to a more interesting part.
This has been kinda discussed in previous reviews but i have to talk about it. The way you describe the surroundings is great, but you should get into the mind of your character, maybe inform the reader of what she's thinking.
Use some foreshadowing
you should also introduce a more complicated plot, maybe introduce a mild Dilemma.
The comedic mood is really great, yet hard to master you have mastered it pretty well but i don't know how the story will go like so i think you ought to use a comedic fun mood for the rest of the story you should master it greatly first.
you should use your descriptions on the three other characters(you have one hell of a descriptive style use it!)
And most importantly never stop what you started, this could be a brilliant piece if you used your talents well. continue writing and it would be great if we see another chapter.
Oh Starleene! My Team! Go Red!
As good as your description may be, it's not what gets the reader on the edge of the screen.
You need to plunge the reader straight into the fire. You have to roll out the main plot, the conflict, and everything as soon as possible. The thing about readers is that they want to experience something outside their everyday lives. They want to read something unique and dramatic. In this case this scene here really isn't that much of a drama, in fact this happens in lots of households everyday. 
So...pretty nice read here! The only thing is the first paragraph is a huge chunk of text that can be avoided! You need to cut down on the minor details and work on the major ones! No one wants to read about a girl waking up and dragging herself out of bed!
Your style of writing here is unique, it's like in the family, the character knows what to expect. Everyday the routine is the same, even what happens in the kitchen. The dialogue here shows quite a bit about Kaye, but not enough to know about her character. However I can see the relationship in the family is a pretty good one.
To me, I understand more about Aiden that any other character. And the reason is action. You have Aiden here moving around and interacting with the objects and people in the house. Sounds technical yes, but that just shows alot about him. Kaye on the other hand has more of a dialogue kind of character to her. However I don't see much from what she says. The thing here is the interaction between characters.
From the title I really have no clue what this story will will about, and I still don't.
Overall, a good work. Your style of writing is what keeps it going, but add in the plot and conflict and it'll turn out much better! Hope my review helped!
I keep forgeting that people haven't read my prologue which kind of throws them off and they don't understand why I start it off really slow :/
Hello, I'll just give you a few thoughts here:
- The beginning, while it has it's redeeming qualities, needs to progress faster. If you can't catch your reader with the first few paragraphs, you're not going to keep them for the rest. I think the problem is the ordinariness of it. You try to escape that a little with mentions of the igloo and winter wonderlands, but I found it a little plain. I think a little wonder and excitement would help the situation.
- The casual mention of the pajamas and turtleneck again falls into this ordinariness that isn't really interesting. I think if you don't go into at least a little bit of detail, the significance of them, it's stalls the story and feels unnatural.
-Dialog is pretty good, and what really forms the basis of this piece. You seem to have a skill for dialog, like you enjoy writing those parts more. The trick is to find the same level of excitement in the exposition. Right now that part falls flat.
-Aiden really seems to be the only "character" to me so far. The narrator shares in the banter, but otherwise is just plain and unremarkable. You need to make sure she stands out a little more. Advice: If you are, by any chance, modelling the main character after yourself (which a lot of authors do effectively), there needs to be a break from the character and yourself. Don't be afraid to make them silly or odd; that doesn't mean you are. I have had this problem before myself and I find that trying to make a character who is meant relate to everyone fails and you just have a boring character. If you aren't modelling the main character after yourself, ignore that advice!
- There needs to be a sense of conflict right away here. The motions of the day (which is what you seem to have here) aren't going to cut it if we don't have any suspense along with them. We need something to keep us glued to these characters and without conflict, we are just kind of awkwardly watching some people acting out their semi-boring lives.
-I'm not sure if the chapter is finished, but the conclusion just kind of leaves you out in the wind. It seems to try to reach some profoundness, but doesn't quite get there. An answer might help, even if it's something ridiculous, like "skydiving!" or "insect extermination!" There's gotta be some small sense of continuation because the situation itself isn't entirely appropriate to that type of open-ended conclusion.
Sometimes I forget that people haven't read the prologue. The reason it seams so ordinary is because teh prologue is so action packed that I wanted to bring the reader down from that high. Also, this is not finished, hence the weird ending. I just wanted to get it in for review day. But I value your opinions and I'll take them into consideration!
Lets begin with the mistakes, there is only one-"a small igloo shaped HOLE the only means to my way back in."
The beginning is more like a initiation ritual binding the reader to the story. I like the way you way are building the plot, and the tone is very believable but the trick is to continue it throughout or prepare a smooth transition. There are touches here and there which lend the story credibility. The humiliation from the family is one such thing.
I esp. like the beginning. The descriptions are beautiful. You begin in a very dream-like state where everything is a part of the Disneyland. This gradually degenerates as Kaye becomes more coherent. Just retain some bit of this habit of seeing things in great detail.
And I have bit of confusion-"Tragically, I smushed my igloo into a presentable position"
Why this hint of gloom?
Also throughout you have hinted at the sense of routine, I would like to know what Kaye feels about this- is she satisfied or frustrated?
Am eagerly waiting for the next part.
Thanks for the review! The gloomy part about the igloo is her regretfulness at getting up, leaving the warm cacoon and entering the cold world. I have this feeling in the morning during the winter. She's just regretful
This is really good! I look forward to seeing the rest of it!
I just have a quick question: Does it seem believable to you? Like the whole tone of the story?