Do you remember who you used to be?
Back when everything was what it seemed
Back when your eyes still lit up
When you thought of the dreams you once dreamed
Because, then they had come true
And now they haven't
You were tricked
Played like a fool
And now your heart's broken
From all the things forced to leave unspoken
Just a little while longer you tell yourself
That's what other people tell themselves too
Because they can't bear to watch people be so cruel to you
They think back on all those happy times
The light that was once in your heavenly eyes
And there's only one thing they can say
"I'm sorry"
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
hey its me Teacake101 ready to review your literature. just so you know i do not try to say anything that will make anyone mad. so if i do i'm so sorry. also i hope you review my sorks too. thanks for listening.
okay so my suggestion is that you should take the "to you" after cruel on line thirteen, So it will flow better overall.
my next suggestion is that you might want too change up the wording in line five and six that says "Because, then they had come true, And now they haven't".
I was thinking maybe you could change it to *because then they were true* on line five instead of Because, then they had come true". Then on line six instead of "And now they haven't" you could change it too *Now their lost to you*. if you look at it its a nice transition to the next wording on line seven and rhyme with line eight.
other than that i really like this poem. it really shows that you want to say something to the world or someone.
love your faithful reviewer,
Teacake
I like it.Some parts just do not suit the whole thing there.In conclusion it is very good and it looks like you really had tried to put your emotions and feelings in this poetry but of course it could be better.I think it shows what you want to say perfectly.Just lines of it just sounded oddly.If you read it after you write it ..it helps you find your mistakes with everything.If it is wrong it sounds wrong when you say it out loud.Overall amazing poetry.
Go on!
Hey there!
First of all welcome to YWS!!!
Thus was really awesome. I sincerly liked it... and i can even say that i connected to it a bit too. And for you to write a poem on such a thing.. well i guess i'm not the only one who writes what they cannot express. Though this was good and personally there isnt a singke thing that i would like to change about it, you have to work on your puncuation. I mean add comas when you feel you need a pause and add a full stop when you feel that you are gonna start a new sentence. And someone suggested to me that reading out loud helps in such cases. So i would suggest you read it out loud
Hello! I'm here to review your poem. I like the idea, and it's clear that you feel very strongly about this apology. However, as it is, it's kind of mundane. There are a few lines that are good, but the others are a bit cliche. Try spicing it up a little with some vivid descriptions and such. Show, don't tell! This poem is very straightforward, and I think it would make your poem so much stronger if there was more to it. For example, this line was quite good:
"The light that was once in your heavenly eyes"
But others, like these, could use a little work:
"Because, then they had come true
And now they haven't
You were tricked
Played like a fool"
These lines were rather short, and it disrupted the flow a little. They're also not very descriptive and "Played like a fool" is really cliche in my opinion. Try changing the wording in a way that's a bit more enticing to read. You could try something like:
"Back when they had come true.
But now the light has left your eyes
As you realized you were a pawn
In their twisted little games"
Obviously it doesn't have to be exactly like that. It's just an example. Hopefully you see the point I am trying to make.
"When you thought of the dreams you once dreamed"
Maybe it's just the way I read it, but this line seemed a little... odd to me. It was too long and disrupted the flow. I suggest finding a way to shorten it slightly without losing any of the emotion.
In conclusion, I feel that this poem has a lot of potential, but your poetry delivery could use a little work. Don't think that means you are a bad writer, because you definitely are not. This particular poem just needs a bit of improvement. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hello, Stardust24. I read this poem and my thoughts were, "I did like this... but I feel like it's missing something."
It rhymed her and there but nothing in this poem is constant other than the main idea of being 'sorry'. There wasn't any punctuation, which I know isn't required. I've had many people talk smack to me for mentioning capitalization and punctuation but it's really important. It just doesn't look like you put much time into your 'sorry'. I really believe you can do better! I'd just spend some more time thinking of how you can make it consistent and uncommon. I don't mean to be harsh. I didn't like the beginning but I don't think the end matched up. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keepwriting