I saw him sitting in his home today...he was silent like his usual self.But there was certain darkness...like a cloud or something, but it seemed normal as that is his normal state. Later I got to know that he has lost his relative. I have never seen him sad or sympathetic towards someone. He is always busy being rude. But I feel sad for him. I don't know whether he is feeling that way or it's just another thing for him, as I have never seen that kind of side of him. But may be I am feeling what he should feel. Even if he is not feeling something, now that I look at him it's dark. Or may be he is not feeling anything actually. But how can a person not feel something?? It's true that, that's how he is. No signs of emotions..yeah! He laughs..yeah! He gets angry but never Sensitive..neither for someone nor for some situation. Today when I look at him he is serious as usual. I don't know if there is a storm inside him or it's just the usual sea. But what I know is I feel bad and at the same time again what I don't know is it's for him or for his loss
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138,514 Literary Works • 672,146 Reviews
Hi there Starcrosser, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review for The Black Cat Squad!
Just so you know, I will give my overall opinions at the end of this review because I will be reviewing as I read. So...let's get started!
- Trying to comprehend -
I'm really sorry, but it's a pet peeve of mine when a title has a word that should be capitalized, but it isn't. 'comprehend' should be capitalized, just so you know
- ...his usual self.But there was... -
So here, you need to add a space after the period. I'm guessing this was just overlooked.
- ...like a cloud or something, but it seemed... -
Because you start your sentence with 'But', I would recommend either ending the sentence and starting with a new one, or changing out the 'but'.
- But may be I am... -
'may be' should be 'maybe'. Again, seems to just have been overlooked. Nothing too big.
- No sighn of emotions...yeah! He laughs...yeah! -
Okay, here I had the same problem as Hollysocks. This made no sense to me until I read the review below to get the idea of what you where trying to express. And I also agree with Holysocks that you should change it. Either make it more like, Yes, he doesn't have any sign of emotions. Yes, he laughs. But if you can't find a way, I would recommend taking it out completely.
- ...but never Sensitive... -
'Sensitive' should not be capitalized.
Well, that's about it on that. I rather liked this work! It's a nice, small read with Lost of depth an detail if your willing to really think about it! I liked your topic--very interesting indeed, and I liked your charcater selection. It reminds me of two charcaters from Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, which is my favorite book trilogy right now!
Please keep writing!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad!
Hey Starcrosser! Welcome to the site!
This is a lovely short piece. I like the sort of mystery about the male character described in this story, you did a great job at that! It made me want to know more about him!
Sins said a lot of what I was going to say, but there is something else I thought I should mention. Who are these characters? We don't really know anything about them, and we're just kind of reading this piece with no real understanding to who this is about, what they're like, and why we're being told about this guy who's just sitting at home.
Maybe there's a way that could give us a little more about the characters- and a way that that could be done is one of the things Sins mentioned- giving a bit more context, but also, maybe a little more of the characters opinions. The MC that's narrating the situation is mostly just talking about what's happening in front of she/he/they, and I feel like if there's a bit more of that character's thoughts on what happened- maybe she/he/they compares what's happening in front or she/he/they to an event that happened in she/he/they's life or something along those lines so that we can relate a little more closely. I personally find that things like that really bring out the character. C:
I like how you chose to punctuate this piece, it was different, but interesting. I did find the punctuation hard to follow at times, for example:
It took me awhile to figure out what the "yeah!'s" were trying to say. At first I was reading it like the narrator was like agreeing with themselves, something like "Yes, yes, I like this land. Should I call it Fred? Mhm, I shall." If that makes sense... But then I realized that the narrator was saying "No signs of emotion, yeah, but..." so it did take me a bit to figure that out... so maybe there's a better way to illustrate that? One thing I personally use a lot to emphasise words that need emphasising, is italics! I love italics, mwhaha.
Keep it up, my friend! I hope to see you and your writing around more! c:
-Socks
Hey there! I'll start by saying welcome to YWS! I hope you stick around, and as someone who's been a member of this site for decaaaades, be sure to hit me up if you've got any questions or anything regarding the site
So! I like the concept of this. I'm big on realistic writing, and writing about difficult subjects such as loss and grief, so this kind of thing is right up my street. I like way in which you wrote this, with your narrator looking back at a moment in the day where they saw their friend(?) before they knew this friend had heard bad news, as opposed to writing in that moment. Err... if that makes sense. it's different and original, so kudos to you on that one. The idea of your narrator being unsure of what to make of this person's attitude and behaviour is interesting too, and while not a complex or long piece at all, it's definitely intriguing.
My main advice would be to elongate this a little as it is very short at the moment. I don't want a full story with intricate details, but I'd like you to explore this concept a bit more, dig that little bit deeper. Maybe you could give us some context into the moment being described here. Where was your narrator and their friend during this occurrence? At work? School? In one of their living room's? Were they sitting down? Standing? Did they speak to each other? Just small details like that, nothing complex.
Something that could elongate this, as well as provide other benefits, is more imagery. More description, particularly physical. Your narrator notes how this guy seemed normal, but something wasn't quite right, but what suggested that? Was it a look on his face? The way he was sitting? Something in his eyes? His voice? You're telling us that there wasn't something quite right about him, but not showing us, y'know? You say he looks serious or whatever, but don't tell us in what way. Shorter pieces like this tend to benefit with strong description too as they add dimension to otherwise short, simple pieces. Even without the need to explain this guy's feelings and behaviour, imagery would be beneficial here.
The only other critique I have here is that in places, you could do with a bit more clarity. I had to reread some sentences in this a few times to fully understand what your narrator was trying to say. I got the gist of it: your narrator isn't quite sure what to make of her friend's reaction after finding out that one of his relatives has died, but some aspects could be explained more clearly. I think it's because you flip flop a bit with his attitude e.g. one moment your narrator will suggest he doesn't seem any different to usual, but then will continue on to say how there is something a bit different about him. I'm not quite sure what you mean by the last sentence, for example. What do you mean exactly by "...I don't know if it's or him or for his loss"? Your narrator's unsure if they're sad for him because he's lost someone? Or generally sad at the fact that someone has passed away? I'm not quite sure.
Critiques aside, you've got something interesting here, and certainly something with lots of potential. If you can tweak it, throw in more detail, and be sure to clarify things a little better, this could be a really neat little piece of writing. Hopefully I've been of some help anywho, and be sure to let me know if you want me to explain anything I've said here any further. Oh, and again, don't hesitate to message me, write on my wall e.t.c. if you need help with anything round the site at any point.
Keep writing,
xoxo Sins