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The Staircase

by Sree


I see a staircase with footprints.

Yeah, this is the one! My heart sprints.

My tiny legs are filled with pep.

They try to take the first step.

There I topple down when my legs fail.

I won’t dare to stand again! I wail.

Behind me is the stampede rushing the stairs,

I'm filled with fear, trembling so bad, none cares.

I jump to my toes. I fall. I crawl up.

None offer a helping hand to this miserable PUP.

The beings look blind, their eyes filled with fire.

Oh, wait! It's a reflection. They blaze each other. I see pyre!

Oh my God! Can’t an angel rescue me?

At least bless me with tiny wings of a bee.

I want to fly away from here!

Now suddenly there is blinding darkness, my eyes couldn’t bear.

Did the blazing flame blind my sight?!

Aah! Some rough tentacle holds my leg with all its might.

The very next second, my body is flung back,

I'm on air, flying, phew! Free at last from the demon pack.

Now my body is in on a cold river, where the demon has dispatched.

I can’t feel my legs, they were so badly scratched.

The pain is barely felt, it is implausible how the dead legs cry,

There I am diluting the cold blood, I give a deep sigh.

The red river is warm, heat conducted from my tears.

I feel good, but then…increased my fears,

my tears have drained out. I scream for help.

There comes the sudden thunder with lightning, I yelp.

But, from the lightning, I got a glimpse where I was,

The same place where I took my first step!! My heart tried to pause,

then comes the lightning again, I figure out that it is not a staircase.

It's the corpse of demons as stairs. God, It’s a wrong place!!

I was trying so hard to go to hell?! I took the wrong path.

I was blinded by the urge of reaching the destiny, damn the footpath!!

I followed demon’s footsteps. Is that my mistake? I was abandoned.

I was unaware of the good and evil. My mind was buttoned.

Now after all these thunders, enlightened was THIS STRAY.

I am out of the situation that had the shades of grey.

The thunder has brought the rain and washed away my stain.

I climbed the moral steps, this time with the brain.


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Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:54 pm
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silvermoon17 wrote a review...



This is probably the first poem I never paused reading or just skipped through points. Wow. This is amazing. I thought it would be the random: "Staircase is a metaphor of life. It's hard to climb". But you really took it a step further. There is a certain style to your poem, which is noticeable since the very first lines.
"I see a staircase with footprints,
Yeah, this is the one! My heart sprints,"
And I'd like to point out I have never heard someone use "yeah" in a poem of life. Nor "pep". It's kind of startling really :P the first time at least. But it makes up for its uniqueness.
Extended metaphor: yep. Like always, this time it's the staircase. (it seems you have a certain liking for extended metaphors..)
Imagery:
metaphors: "the beings look blind, their eyes filled with fire" and that's only one. I've seen a deal lot. But I'm not here to repeat your poem. anyways.
personification: I'm not sure i saw any.. let me check.. nope. Most are metaphors or
similes. But really, I don't care.
I like that little twist, if you can call it that way; with those new metaphors of the "demon-corpse staircase" (whatever you called it) and the thunder (I mean, people don't realize that they're doing the wrong thing when there's thunder- so I figured it was a metaphor)
I thought it was kind of strange that that work wasn't in the spotlights, but the amount of likes taught me otherwise XD
Anyways, can't wait to hear more from you. And thanks for recommending this. No regrets reading.




Sree says...


Wow! You get into the poem that really amazes me.:)
Thanks for your precious time and review. <33
Very much encouraging.



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Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:20 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Sree,

sorry it took me a while to get to reviewing! But I'm glad to have a chance to check out your poem.

So I took the meaning of this poem to be maybe a prophetic or metaphorical reflection on the moral journey/staircase of life. The speaker makes their walk and they give their best effort, but they encounter problems along the way - from the weather to the demons that grab at them. And they look for help. They realize that they've made a mistake and actually need to climb the steps a different way.

Despite the religious imagery, I didn't find it to be a particularly Christian narrative, because in the end the hero is the person in this story, rather than God. And in the end it is not our effort or lack of effort that lands us in heaven or hell, but God's grace despite our inability. That's my own tangent though! I think your piece does give a strong moral narrative of how people sometimes need to re-evaluate their life and gain some perspective, even if it takes a really metaphorical good versus evil metaphor to do so.

Now my first suggestion, is I think that the use of "all caps" at "Pup" and "this stray" did not improve the piece. If it was meant to be some recurring symbol, I think having it in italics would be a bit more subtle. As is, I was very confused why those were chosen as the most important words in the whole piece.

Also I find that adding exclamation marks, often does the exact opposite of what they're intended to do. Rather than add drama and excitement, when people add extra exclamation marks, it's hard to see the piece as being serious, and actually makes it humorous and hyperbolic in a way. I'd try to limit the use of exclamation marks to only the very most important spots in the piece that you really want to bring emphasis too.

Because! when you overuse!! a punctuation mark, it ends up!! losing its meaning! <- see what I did there ;)

Your rhyme scheme was executed pretty well! I especially liked when you went for a few complicated rhymes like "abandoned" and "buttoned". The only ones that didn't quite work for me were "bear" and "here" <- a bit of a stretch. As well as "footpath" and "path" <- just the same word twice. The rhyming did improve the flow and gave it a nice cadence though.

I noticed the lines got longer as the poem continued on, and I wondered if there was an intended meaning for the longer lines, I couldn't quite figure out if there was an intentional meaning or not, but it did change the flow.

I liked that you varied sentence length throughout the piece, as this made the poem not feel too repetitive.

Your use of narrative in the poem, also made sense throughout the piece. There was a strong character/speaker with emotional stakes, a plot and conflict, and resolution at the end. If anything, I think a bit more description as far as the demon's role and appearance would be interesting.

As a side-note if you're interested in some stories about demons, you might be interested in CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters".

Well done! I look forward to more of your poetry, I especially enjoy reading things with a religious angle so enjoyed analyzing and considering this piece.

~alliyah

Image




Sree says...


Thank you so much for your review! And, yes, I will add more details to the demon's role, that would be interesting. About the puntuations, I get it now. Your review means a lot^^ It is helpful.
I will read 'Screwtape letters' Thanks once again for taking your time to read it! :)



alliyah says...


Perfect, you're very welcome! Always feel free to request poetry reviews in my WRFF thread - :D I love poetry.



Sree says...


For sure, I will post the links in the WRFF thread.
I too love poetry :)



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Sat Sep 08, 2018 10:39 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @Sree I am here to do a review on you poem, first is first.
What I like
I see a staircase with footprints. I really like this it feels like a it is real to live.
Yeah, this is the one! My heart sprints. I think that this is nise and also real to, for I think that I sometimes say the same thing inside my head, this is really good I think I like it.
My tiny legs are filled with pep. I feel like this all the time, I also am a bit crazy to,
They try to take the first step. this is good for sometimes you just cannot move at all really you just feel stuck to one place.
I won’t dare to stand again! I wail. I like this but I am going to ad three more words to it, it will be down in Suggestions.
I jump to my toes. I fall. I crawl up. This must have really hert the persons toes I mean like really.
Oh my God! Can’t an angel rescue me? I like this but I am going to ad some more to it done it Suggestions.
At least bless me with tiny wings of a bee. I like this for the sound of wings is a nise thought, but then I do not like bees for the sting me, but eney way this is really nise I think,
I want to fly away from here! I want to fly all the time it sound and looks nise.
I can’t feel my legs, they were so badly scratched. this is so real I think, I mean you legs would get scratched form this all I would think.
The pain is barely felt, it is implausible how the dead legs cry,This is really good for description it gives us more of what the person is feeling right now.
There I am diluting the cold blood, I give a deep sigh. like this but I am going to put some more words into it, look at is in Suggestions.
I climbed the moral steps, this time with the brain. I like this very much for it feels like this person just seems to have a good brain now.
some help for you
There I topple down when my legs fail. okay why did her legs fail I do not really understand this.
Behind me is the stampede rushing the stairs, I do not get this do you mind to eksplan it a bit to me pleas.
Suggestions
1 For: I won’t dare to stand again! I wail. I won’t dare to stand again! I wail in instant pain.
2 For: Oh my God! Can’t an angel rescue me? Oh my God! Can’t an angel rescue me form this mess and pian?
3 For:There I am diluting the cold blood, I give a deep sigh. There I am diluting the cold blood, I give a deep sigh of re leaf. okay so that is all that I can say also this was just a friendly review, and also thank you for asking me and some others to review this work, nise poem. keep up the good work.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill






This guy here is weird



Dossereana says...


What do you Meen!!! :)



Sree says...


There I topple down when my legs fail. okay why did her legs fail I do not really understand this.
Behind me is the stampede rushing the stairs, I do not get this do you mind to eksplan it a bit to me pleas.


I wrote my legs fail and 'bout stampede'coz I was writing on the POV of an inexperienced person who is not aware of the world and how to survive in one and struggle to get along. Life is a race now when one can't compete it looks like a stampede to that person. Everyone's eyes are only on the prize they don't care who's before and won't help to get along with them or grow any further. Hope I have given the explanation^^

Thank you for the review and the suggestions, was great! :)



Dossereana says...


You are very welcome.



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Wed Sep 05, 2018 3:01 pm
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slurringsugars wrote a review...



Hi, it's me again!

This piece is pretty interesting and has some awesome qualities.
It takes something that is not that unnormal and creates an inner bubble to look at it.
I wish I could say more, but my brain is a teeny bit cloudy.
Wish ya the best, can't wait to read some more!

Sincerely, Slurringsugars




Sree says...


Thank you so much for taking your time to read it :) My best wishes to you too ^^



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Wed Sep 05, 2018 5:43 am
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Eros wrote a review...



Hello there, Dear, Sree!!

This is Eros here with a review for this beautiful piece of poetry of yours!!

I liked the main theme of the poem... The rhyming scheme is great! Loved it so much. Actually it's a great struggle to keep writing rhymes ..I mean.to continue the rhymes throughout the poem. And you did it! It was wonderful.

Well actually stanza is an important part of a poem ... But the format of the poem is very different and unique. So I won't tell you to add them here (I feel adding stanzas would disturb he beauty and the flow of the poem).

Flow ...Ahm YES. Flow was super smooth and the ideas are linked and woven together into a sweet poetry, that starts with a staircase and the attempt to climb the staircase. But then, it seems, that it isn't so easy. There ARE obstacles and many such things coming in between and trying to make you fall. Oh, yes. I can relate this with myself lolm

Then getting blindfolded, getting thrown away into the river, it was great. It made me imagine a whole picture of whatever is going on.

It was a beautiful story hidden behind the poetic language (written in the form of a poem).

I loved it from my heart.

Keep writing such beautiful and interesting poetries and other stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them!!

Have a great day night!

With love,
From Eros.
:D




Sree says...


Thank you so much for your encouraging words, dear <<<333
Have a good day/night :)



Eros says...


You're welcome!! <3 <3 :D



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Wed Sep 05, 2018 5:12 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hello! This is an interesting piece. What I got from it was a sort of personal account of how someone went down the wrong path, probably in regards to their religion since there are plenty of allusions to "God", "angels" and "hell", before discovering the "right" way again.


I enjoyed your use of contrast and comparison to tell the story, as it conveys the "beginning state" and "end state" of the character effectively. For example, the difference between an innocent pup not yet aware of where it's going and an enlightened stray. I also liked your use of "scratched legs" v.s. "dead legs" to convey how the character transitioned from being "inexperienced" to "experienced".

Your writing is quite expressive. I could feel what the character was going through, as you used both descriptive words and punctuation to convey their state of mind.
I also like that you committed to keeping the rhyme throughout, as I know it can be quite difficult to tell a story through rhyme. You do know where to leave out words sometimes in order to create rhythm/ flow, for example with
"I can't feel my legs, they were so badly scratched." (I'll get back to this later)
Lastly, I found your final lines memorable.


I thought, however, that a few of your lines feel just a tad awkward. There are extra "filler" words in them that sometimes break the flow. Furthermore, for a quick action sequence, it's more important to keep a speedy pace than it is to make sure absolutely EVERYTHING is grammatically correct.
For example:

"I was literally on air, flying, phew! I am free from the demon pack."

'Literally' is not needed here, as it doesn't really add anything to the line. The sudden use of past tense when the rest of your poem is in present tense is also a bit jarring. Besides this, when you say "I am free from the demon pack" as a full sentence, it slows down the pace of your poem. I'd suggest you try something like:

"I'm on air, flying, then - phew! Free at last from the demon pack."

Next, I thought your repetition of words sometimes was a bit redundant, for instance in:

"There I am diluting the cold blood, I give a deep sigh.
The red river is warm, diluted by my tears."

In the first line, diluting is perhaps needed. I guess your aim was to express that the cold blood becomes warmer because of the main character's body heat "diluting" it.
However, I feel you don't need to mention that again in the second line. You could write something to explain your image more, such as:
"The red river is warm, heat conducted from my tears."

Now, while for some lines you choose strong and appropriate words (like "blinding darkness"), there are a few I thought could benefit from more "extreme" word choices.
"I am out of the situation that had the shades of grey." sounds a bit flat. The situation was more of a crisis, wasn't it? Personally, one thing I find helps me a lot is to use a Thesaurus to find more exact words to express my meaning. This way you can keep your strong expression throughout the whole poem.

Overall, I thought this was a great read. Keep writing!




Sree says...


Thank you so much for the helpful review and encouraging words, means a lot^^.
I fixed the errors. And, yes, I will use the thesaurus in future works.



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Tue Sep 04, 2018 9:26 pm
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ABC123 wrote a review...



Sree.

First of all, this is a very interesting piece of work and I am truly fascinated by it.

1. The way that the narrator of the poem sounds naïve and young in the second line - "Yeah, this is the one!" It really adds character and makes the narrator seem immediately relatable.

2. This list of three - "I'm filled with fear, trembling so bad, none cares," sets a slightly sinister tone to the poem, it fills me with anticipation as to what might happen next.


3. The way I'm reading this poem is that the puppy that's mentioned in the 10th line is basically a metaphor for a naïve somebody who's made bad decisions/ who might've lost their way. I think the way that you've put it is very empathetic, it really pulled at my heart strings because of the use of a little dog.


Keep up the good work, I can't wait to read more :)


ABC123




Sree says...


Thank you so much for your encouraging words :)



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Mon Sep 03, 2018 11:36 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



Hey, Sree! It's erilea here to give you a review. :) Let's get to it!

1)

My tiny legs are filled with pep.

It tries to take the first step.


Since you refer to "legs" as plural, the second line, should be "They try to take the first step." Nothing big.

2)
Behind me is the stampede rushing the stairs,

I'm filled with fear, trembling so bad, none cares.


The second line sounds pretty clunky, as it has a lot more syllables than the first line. Also, "none" should be "no-one". You could say, "I'm trembling in fear but no-one cares."

3) Especially as you go through the poem, the rhyme scheme begins to feel a little forced. For instance, "up" and "pup", "abandoned" and "buttoned", "path" and "footpath", etc. It honestly makes the poem really confusing, as your word choice and how you order them distorts the message quite a bit. I understand that you're comfortable with rhyming, but I feel like this kind of poem would work better as free verse. Just a thought. It's your choice. :)

Overall, this poem was a good idea, and although it does need some improvement, I can feel the potential. ;) Keep writing and have a good day/night!

XOX,
erilea




Sree says...


Thank you for the helpful review! :) Will fix it soon. Have a good day/night!



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Mon Sep 03, 2018 4:13 pm
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AriannaC wrote a review...



Is this one of your works that you talked about with Kev? It came out awesome. I read this as a journey through morality in the eyes of a human. Especially because of that last line. Was that the message? I honestly cant find any flaws here. Maybe that's just because I'm tired. But hey, good job. Keep writing!! You're awesome. JESUS LOVES YOU <33




Sree says...


I love you! Thank you for the encouraging words Ari<33. And, yes it is the one.




People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke