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So-called merciless

by Sree


Oh, please wait!

Don't be merciless!

Huff-puff, huff- puff...I can't do it!

You are the one who should run. Not me.

Can't you hear me? Don't rush me forward.

Get off me! You are such a manipulator!

Are you deaf? Can't you speak back?

Tick- Tock...Tick- Tock...Tick...Oh, yeah! You do.

The funny thing is you are mine, you should obey me.

But, I could never have you my way. You are the boss. ugh!

You control me. You have made me a slave out of me.

I could hear you making that irritating sound on and on again.

Tick- Tock...Tick- Tock...Tick-Tock...Tick-Tock...Tick-Tock...

Then I figure, it's not me who has the time. I am the time. It's always in me.

Lap-tap...lap-tap...lap-tap...lap-tap...lap-tap...lap-tap...lap-tap...lap-tap...

Oh, my...I never want you to stop. I'm running by your beat.

 Keep on-going'! After all, you are my guide who wants me to keep on movin' no matter what. 


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Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:13 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Sree, here as requested!

I took a look at a few of your other poems to get a better sense of your poetry style before reading this.

I'm having trouble figuring out what the subject of the poem is, I'm going to guess that the subject that the speaker is sort of battling/racing against is a clock - a metaphor for time itself.

The speaker has seen that time can be a tool to guide their life in the past, but they are starting to get frustrated by it's incessance, how it is always around, and in fact it is controlling them so that they can't live their life. In the end the speaker sort of shifts back to seeing that time is their "guide" and keeps them moving, so they go back to recognizing their positive aspects.

The poem could alternatively be about a very controlling partner that the speaker has, but based on the continual "tick tock" refrain, I'm going to go with the time interpretation.

Okay - so I have a few thoughts based on the meaning/story of the piece.

1. I like that you not only portrayed a story but you also, portrayed character through casual dialogue and emotion by showing how increasingly frustrated the narrator was getting. This is what I call writing on multiple-levels and is a really wonderful thing to do in poetry, because if your reader doesn't get what you're saying on one level, they can still maybe attach to your writing at another level - it paints a fuller picture, and also make the poem accessible and interesting to more people. Nice work there! Especially with the emotion of frustration and anxiety which are sometimes difficult emotions to express through writing - but came across clear in your poem.

2. An issue I had with the narrative aspect is that it feels like the speaker goes from extreme frustration, "You are the boss. ugh!" -> to complete dependance and acceptance "I'm running by your beat. Keep on-going!" Now while I think it's a good move to have this dual-tone emotion, because a poem that's all mad or all glad gets grating for a reader, and is less true to real life I think for this sort of poem, I think you need to show the reader the inbetween - What causes the shift in the speaker's relationship? What was the change? It seem like this is the very crux of the poem.

Wording
I have to say I found the "Tick-Tock" / "Lap-tap" sections to feel a bit annoying and over used --> repetition is quite a hard skill to use effectively, and I think you went a bit far here - maybe try just repeating it twice rather than 5+ times, because as a reader I'm going to skip over the constant repetitions anyways so it doesn't add much, and could make the reader stop reading the poem or miss something important while they try to get out of the repetition. Another alternative would be to change how the repetition is communciated to convey more meaning - > like instead of using tick-tock over and over again, you could use words that sound similar or rhyme or convey similar meanings, to change it up a bit and keep the reader interested and engaged. Readers like to be led a long, but they also like creativity and to be surprised a bit.

Formatting
It didn't feel like the formatting of the capitalizations and punctuation and line lengths were very consistent, which gave the poem a messy and disorganized feeling to me. If that was the vibe you were going for, it was effective, but if you want the focus to linger more on the emotional or narrative elements, you may want to go through and clean it up a bit. For me, "ellipses" or (...) is always always always going to look messy on the page - and that's a personal preference, but I do know a few other poets on the site that would agree with that.

In my opinion use of ellipses should be at extreme discretion, only when it is meaningful (as in showing an instrumental trailing sentence or thought, in a way that can't be conveyed with different words or punctuation, that is vital to the poem as a whole) and shouldn't be used more than a couple times per poem, because they... are... so .. v..e..r.. y... distracting. <- I was just demonstrating right there what ellipses feels like for a reader so you get the idea. ;)

figurative language and imagery
Lastly, you seemed to have a few little metaphors and the symbol of the clock sprinkled in here and there to give the poem some depth, but I think a little more imagery dwelling on this feeling of being rushed could be good too - like the sound of a tea kettle ringing, or an alarm blaring. Those elements would help paint a bigger picture, and also I think would get the poem out of being primarily a dialogue sort of poem, by giving a few more "active" and "environmental" elements, which help keep a poem feeling interesting and engaging.

Anyways, overall, I like that this isn't really like anything else I've read on the site. I like that out of the piece I've read of yours, you seem to like to experiment with different emotions, imagery, and voices - that's great, and I think really helps show your versatility and range as a poet. I look forward to reading more of your poems in the future.

Let me know if you had any questions with the review,

~alliyah




Sree says...


WOW! Thank you very much!!! I did see where I mess up the poem. Your review teaches me a lot. Thanks, Alliyah! <3 I will add some specifics and limit the usage of ellipses as suggested :D



alliyah says...


You're welcome! Thanks for the note - I look forward to reading some more of your poetry in the future. :)



Sree says...


Thank you, I appreciate it :D



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Mon Jan 14, 2019 10:00 am
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ABC123 wrote a review...



Sree.
This is a really powerful poem which lets the reader experience the emotional roller-coaster that the narrator is going through. I especially like the way you use "tick-tock" to emphasise how out of control the narrator feels and I think that this poem serves to remind the reader that one cannot afford to waste time.
Good piece of writing - keep up the amazing work!
ABC123




Sree says...


Thank you very much for your review. I appreciate that you remembered my request :D



ABC123 says...


No worries at all, Sree. It's a good piece and I enjoyed reading it!
ABC123



Sree says...


Glad that you did! :)@ABC123 There is another one here :D Read this when you have time :D https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=143253#c664093



ABC123 says...


Of course! ABC123



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Sat Jan 12, 2019 7:09 am
Swetachowdhury0 says...



Amazing sree.... Liked it...




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Fri Jan 11, 2019 1:07 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Heyo! I thought I'd give ya a review.

It's always so interesting to see different types of poetry and how people express themselves- I think you have a very different way of expressing yourself in poetry, and that was super neat to see! The images we were given in here, makes me wonder if this is about a clock, or perhaps a heart? It was interesting, none-the-less!

The main thing I want to say about this, is about the sort of prose-aspect of this poem. There's definitely such thing as prose-y poetry. But in poetry that has a more prose vibe (which I did sorta get from this poem) there still needs to be a lot of poetic imagery and flow and all that good stuff.

So the reason I think I find this work more prose-y than poet-y, is because 1. it's built up mostly of functioning sentences! The sentences in this are to the point, and don't really give us any sense of wonder or intrigue the way that more poetic poems do. 2. There's also things like sound effects and things the narrator says that I think hurt the flow and feel of the poem. For instance, the repetitive sound effects are quite drawn out and we're not really sure what's making the noises or why? The sounds don't seem to be super connected- except for the ticking sounds. So I ended up reading the first couple of sound effects and then I sorta just would skip over the rest of the sentence, because it was so long and I had no idea what the sounds were supposed to represent- so they didn't have much meaning? I'm not trying to be mean at all! I'm just trying to convey what didn't work for me in this poem. :D

So my advice is to shorten the sound effects- though I feel like the poem would be stronger without them, or with them more obvious to what they're representing. And my advice for making it a little more poetic-feeling, is my favourite advice to give: try to describe a colour, like red, without using the stereotypical words like angry/mad, apples, fire/flames, etc. Try to convey what it means to be the colour red, without simply talking about objects that are that colour. It's not a super easy thing, but I think it helps sorta make me think out-side the box for how to say things- and gets me in a contemplative mood! C:

I do wonder what this is about. It definitely makes me think of a heart or clock, but I don't think that's quite it. In any case, keep up the awesome writing!

-Holysocks




Sree says...


Thank you for the wonderful review. I will work on the suggestions given :D
Ys, its 'bout time inter-relating with heart and clock. Even the heartbeat lets us know time is passing by, right. :D



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Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:20 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi, Shikora here with a review.

To be honest I found this poem really interesting, I'm not really sure what it is about, but it was still fun to read it. The name to this poem was the thing that made me come and read it. The way you started out this poem was really dramatic, but that was what made it more fun to read.
I really liked the emotion you put into this lovely peace of work, it let me know how to feel. So great job. The poem also had a really nice flow to it, my eyes just flew over the words as I read, not wanting to bring my eyes away from the words on the page.

Now I did see one thing, and I will point it out.

Tick- Tock...Tick- Tock...Tick-Tock...Tick-Tock...Tick-Tock...

The words in bold you spell like this, Tick-Tock. I think when you were writing you pressed the space bar.

Well that's it from me. I really liked reading and reviewing this, and I hope to see more of your work on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




Sree says...


THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW! I WILL FIX THE ERROR. I AM GLAD YOU LIKED IT :D





Your welcome @Sree! <3





Your welcome @Sree! <3




It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe