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E - Everyone

She's Not A Thing

by Sree


You saw her as a thing;

that broke her into pieces.

You and everyone step in

and yell that she makes you bleed.

Well, sorry to break you this news,

that's how broken things cut if careless.

You can't bring the pieces together.

Now the pieces are sharp, remember.

Take a closer look, you ghosts!

it's not you who's bleeding.

She's not a Thing.

And you're not breathing.


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19 Reviews


Points: 918
Reviews: 19

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Tue Oct 08, 2019 6:31 pm
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WinnyWriter says...



Very powerful! I love how you showed the carelessness and callous of the "unbroken" person. This work is very effective at getting its point across.




Sree says...


Glad you liked it. Thanks a lot for your encouraging words :D



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18 Reviews


Points: 66
Reviews: 18

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Mon Oct 07, 2019 11:32 pm
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DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza wrote a review...



Hello~

I'll start with the things I like in this poem:
Well, for one, title is really good. It's actually what drew me in to write this! You'd be surprised how hard it is to write a good title, so good job. I also liked the idea of this poem, even if it were a bit dark.
My favorite lines are "Take a closer look, you ghosts! It's not you who's bleeding."

As far as critique goes, some of these lines would flow better if phrased better. Some of the lines were confusing to read, even though they used simple-ish words. An example of this would be the line "Well, sorry to break this news," usually people say something like "Well sorry to break the news," So that line read really weirdly to me. You did this in other instances to.

Also the ending of this poem felt unfinished to me. Idk why, it just felt like it should've either continued or of been written differently.

Other than that, I enjoyed reading this poem. Like the other reviewer said, I think you had a strong beginning. I just think some lines should be re-written. But yeah, you're a definitely a strong writer, never stop writing !

Anyways, that'll be it from me

-Daria




Sree says...


Thanks you so much for your encouraging words and suggestions <3
I'll implement them <3 :)



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1199 Reviews


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Mon Oct 07, 2019 12:43 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Good morning!

This definitely gave me goosebumps by the finish. I really like where this poem went, how dark it got. It really fits the theme you're projecting here and really making a point by driving it home with such a haunting ending.

I think the starting lines were pretty good! They were straight to the point and immediately led us into the heart of the piece. I think I'd have liked to get a better sense of how this broke her into pieces, as the poem leaves the scenario pretty vague on that front. Perhaps that's what you're going for, though, and this point is moot, but I did kind of wish I could feel exactly why she felt this way and if I could justify her feelings somehow.

The phrasing could also be a bit smoother, I think. In the middle, there's a few lines where the sentences were blunt and... not as poetic, for lack of a better word. Particularly "You can't bring the pieces together. / Now the pieces are sharp, remember." I like the slant rhyme here, but I feel like the tone of the poem temporarily switched to a more authoritative one before veering back to that haunting voice at the end.

I really enjoyed your piece, though, and I think with some tweaking, you'll have a really awesome poem. Focus more on the tone you want, which will include modifying some of the phrasing or word choice here and there to make it flow a bit better. Optionally, adding just a little bit to indicate the scenario this girl was in could actually help the reader invest themselves in the piece even more.

This is all food for thought, however! You have a nice piece, and I enjoyed the read. Great work. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




Sree says...


Thank you very much for the wise suggestions. I'll follow 'em. Have a nice day you to :)




We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway