We were running for our lives. I could hear the guards behind quickly gaining on us. I picked up my dog Bùxiǔ because she was falling behind. We hid in an alley and escaped the guards, but the High Priest's main guard Fǔbài stopped in front of the alley entrance looking around the darkened alley. He drew his sword which glistened in the moonlight, but luckily he was called by the others and moved along.
Dìfùni and Dúyīwú'èr relaxed and Bùxiǔ left the alley to see it was all clear. We went to our hidden shrine to Buddha and took shelter there until morning. We woke up and decided we should escape this city. I’m Fǎnpàn Jiùzhǔ, and Dúyīwú'èr (the short kid with the bright grey eye and silver eyepatch) is my best friend. And the really tall and muscled guy with the axe and black hair that’s Qiángdà, but we all call him Dìfùni as a joke. Anyway he’s my husband.
And last, but not least, is my dog Bùxiǔ. She is a black pug and is about 4 years old. And my other friend Xìngyùn, well she didn’t make it. When we were found praying to buddha (also buddhism isn't allowed because of the high priest Hóng Lǎng Mǔ) and she couldn’t run because her horrible parents bound her feet when she was one. We decided we had to escape the city in case we were found again. And then the plan was formed, but then Bùxiǔ ran back limping.
Her left front leg was injured and was bleeding quite a bit. I ran to get some cloth and tied it around Bùxiǔ’s leg and then I picked her up and gave her some herbs for her wound. We decided it wasn’t safe in this area so we went to Dúyīwú'èr’s house which has been abandoned ever since his parents were executed by High Priest Hóng Lǎng Mǔ and Fǔbài Shǒuwèi along with countless others who wouldn’t give up Buddhism. Luckily the High Priest allowed us Taoism, well I shouldn’t say allow as much as I should say forced. Not only that but he “modified it” in “his image”. But at that moment 6 or 7 guards busted through the door led by Fǔbài Shǒuwèi.
Their armor was marked with the Yin and Yang, the symbol of Taoism. Half of them drew swords and the other half drew bows. Bùxiǔ started growling and charged at the soldiers. I tried grabbing her back, but she slipped away, and Fǔbài drew his sword and slashed. Bùxiǔ fell to the floor, blood pouring from her side where from where Fǔbài hit her, Then screamed and ran to her side.
The guards grabbed all of us. Even Dìfùni didn’t put up a fight knowing he had no choice since Fǔbài was in a fighting mood. I stared at Bùxiǔ’s lifeless body as we were dragged away. We were brought to the High Priest’s castle. Fǔbài put us in his quarters which were lined with golden cloth and a huge book on a gleaming pedestal which we assumed was his version of the Book of Tao.
And then he walked in, The High Priest Hóng Lǎng Mǔ. His yellow eyes burned with fury, his black and red silk robes swept across the floor as he paced back and forth. It was silence for a minute before he started saying that he wanted nothing to do with this and that he just wanted to make a “path of peace” and “reduced worry” in the city. That all of the murders he ordered his men to do were just “going with the flow” of life. I bit my tongue knowing if I said anything I’d make our situation worse.
After he was done talking about “morality” and our “health and well being” he brought out food saying that we must be hungry after all we went through, and he was right we hadn’t eaten in days, which made all the shrimp and dumplings look really good right now. But I remember what happened to Bùxiǔ and I did what anyone would do; I got up, grabbed his “book of Tao”, and hit him over the head with it. Everyone else looked at me with awe, but I knew we couldn’t stay so we ran out the back way. We ran past 7 or 9 pictures dedicated to Taoism, and then escaped the castle. I thought it was too easy, and I was right. Behind us were 50 soldiers led by High Priest Hóng Lǎng Mǔ and Fǔbài Shǒuwèi. We ran, we ran straight to the forest so it was harder for them to hit us with arrows. We didn’t stop running, knowing they were catching up with us and there it was, the fence to the borders of the city only 50 feet away.
As soon as we got to the gate it started pouring down rain making the wall harder to climb. We failed, High Priest Hóng Lǎng Mǔ and Fǔbài Shǒuwèi caught up with us, captured us and escorted us to to the center of the city and called every citizen. We were put in the center facing our families, while the executioners stepped up behind us. They drew their swords and plunged them into our backs, pain shot through me as I drifted off to sleep. Still in the rain, our blood dripped down the swords and into the the streets of people. They all watched in horror as our life slowly slipped away. Some started crying while some children screamed seeing the big sister being killed in front of them. It was then I saw the bright light, and then I knew that we all escaped the city. And could never be harmed again.
The End...
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I like how you had a lot of detail in the story and action. I also like all of the Chinese name even if they are misleading. I wonder if you could not have to explain in parenthesis what is actually going on in your story. Lastly I wonder if it couldn't have been so bloody in the end because we are kids. It was an all around good story though. Just do not read the end and you are good.
I like how you had a lot of detail in the story and action. I also like all of the Chinese name even if they are misleading. I wonder if you could not have to explain in parenthesis what is actually going on in your story. Lastly I wonder if it couldn't have been so bloody in the end because we are kids.
I like that you put a lot of detail into the story, it helped understand what was happening at the time. I wonder if you could make the names easier to say because if i wanted to tell it to my friends to check out I'm not able to pronounce the main character(s). I like that you didn't have any grammatical errors, that made it even easier to read because you wouldn't get stuck on words so you could tell it to other people. I wonder if you couldn't kill the dog because dogs should not die.
I like that there was almost no grammatical errors. I like that you put a lot of action into this story. I liked that you put a lot of detail into the story. I wonder if you could have not killed the dog.
I like how strong it started of and then died down suddenly to hook you onto the story. I kind of like how you listed the characters but if you could find another way to do that I would also appreciate it. I thought that you did a great job doing show not tell. I also thought you did a good job crafting your story making it easy to read and follow. But beside that you did a amazing job for your first story.
Wow... That was grim. But I did really like all of the detail you added to the story. It made it much more fun to read. The ending was a huge slap in the face, which made it really interesting to read.
I liked the ending of the story it was a good alternative. I wonder if you could have made the escaping part of the story more detailed. I wonder if you could have translated the names into English. Overall the story was good.
I think that this is an incredible story, and the plot is simply fantastic! I think that it would be better if you translated the names to English in parentheses. That way people could understand why 'Dìfùni' is a joke to them. Also, I think you could have given the main protagonist a little more characterization. Keep it up!
Hey Squidhater! backroads here to review! It's been a little while since I've done this so please bear with me!
I really loved the story you had! It's tragic, and moving. I loved how you turned death into an escape at the end. As dire as the situation was and as much the read would want them to be free to live as they pleased, it provides us with a bitter-sweet end.
Onto a few critiques-
Your current style is very detached, almost like someone was quickly trying to relate some facts about what happened. Take your second paragraph for example
Spoiler
It reads a little like a list. 'She did this, we did this, and then decided that. He is this, and he is that.'
It lacks heart, I don't feel anything for Difuni- I don't relate to the emotional attachment, which means I can't fully relate to the emotions you may be trying to convey later on. This is something fixable! Personally, I'm one to add dialogue so that you can see the relationship between characters. It also provides a platform to introduce people/ explain who is who (ie, the narrator can call Qiangda 'dufini' and therefore show us the joke).
If dialogue isn't your style preference, then you can incorporate more of the narrator's personal thoughts and actions. What goes on in her head as she watches her dog die? What is she thinking and doing walking/ hiding with her husband and her friends? Make it more a more personal narration, and the readers will be able to better relate to the characters.
Also, personally I would like to see the lecture/ escape more drawn out, both in action and in facts. I'd like to see you use this as a chance to illustrate the differences of Taoism and Buddhism, it's a historical fiction involving people with strong religious convictions. Show us exactly what that meant for this time period and how each group regarded their religion. As of right now, the circumstance could easily be altered to involve Christians and Jews or Muslims.
I think you have some great stories to tell! Right now I would focus on honing your style and making it more relatable to the reader on a personal level! Just keep working at it!
Also- on a side note- I wouldn't recommend posting your name out on this. YWS is a rather safe website, and you might eventually make closer friends in personal chats, but it still isn't really safe to post your name out where anyone else can look it up
Hope some of this was helpful!
-backroadstraveler
One thing that I noticed immediately: From my knowledge, Chinese names don't use a whole lot of accented characters. Just a bit of info
Good story about ancient China! It is kind of a downer ending, as well as it doesn't give any context for who or what the characters are.
good content i like how you went in detail with historical evidence and it was very grim
...gud...
I can tell this was about bootyism. there was some places in the story did not make sense. You could have done much better.
misleading names