Hello Squid ^_^
Zoom here to review. Admittedly I read this scene just so I could get to the next part of this chapter which is stuck in the green room. However I found myself with a few things to say.
Glows:
1) I like that you start in medias res and handle yourself well. Normally diving into action feels like it comes at the expense of character development and or world building, however I don't feel that with this scene. At least, you've whipped up enough character development for the scene to not feel empty. And I liked how you cleverly used dialogue to slip in some backstory ("can I call your parents").
2) I like your use of specificity, especially when describing things that other writers might overlook. For example:
The man began to pull ingredients from the fridge, retrieving a cutting board from the cabinet above the stove and starting to cut up a tomato.
Even just how you said the cabinet is above the stove, it really adds a strong sense of place. I love kitchen / cooking scenes for some reason so this was great for me.
3) I like your subtle use of mystery. Both characters have a hidden agenda / motivation. The reader will want to know why Rhys is the way he is, and equally why Joe is going out of his way to help him. Neither of these things feel made up for the sake of it. There's clearly a lot to unravel here and it feels purposeful. I felt myself trusting you as the author to deliver something good.
4) The dialogue / pacing was spot on. It was an easy read, all I can ask for.
Overall, impressive. I can tell you've studied writing craft to some extent, whatever that may be. You're nailing enough elements for this to not be an accident.
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Grows:
Most of your "grows" lie in revision. It's a draft one (thanks for stating that by the way) so for all I know you're already aware of these things I'm about to point out. But just in case i'll mention them anyway so you know what stuck out to me as a reader and occasionally made me stop.
1) you have a repetition problem. Sometimes its good when words or phrases echo through the story. It can create a powerful effect. However the instances I noticed felt more accidental. Here are the examples.
"Fuck," Rhys muttered, stumbling; the mushiness of the ruined tomatoes squished between his toes, and he tried not to let it ick him out too much as he struggled to regain his balance. When there was a commotion beyond the fence - complete with the sweeping arc of a flashlight, glancing through the slats of the fence board - Rhys ducked, hoping to hide himself in the bonafide garden that was this stranger's backyard. His plight wasn't helped when the motion detectors fixed above the sliding glass door came to life, flooding the backyard in a harsh, fluorescent, bright-white light. Rhys' head snapped up, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. Beyond the light, he could barely make out the silhouette of a man, outlined in the glass door. The door slid open, and the man stepped out, squinting at Rhys.
"Can I help you?"
Rhys froze where he was, acutely aware of the tomatoes still squished between his toes.
It was a small, proud house, and it was full of odd
"Trying to get away from the cops?" the man arched an eyebrow. "Wouldn't happen to have been attending that party up at the old Donwith house, perhaps?"
***
Joe arched an eyebrow, shaking his head a bit. "I guess so."
"Better?" Joe asked, and Rhys nodded. Joe nodded in approval, shut the closet door, and led him out of the house, locking the front door behind them.
2) Next, sometimes your sentences are just a tad too verbose for their own good. As in you're using too many words / making your prose word too hard. Examples:
the mushiness of the ruined tomatoes squished between his toes
And sometimes it's exasperated with LY adverbs in particular.
chewing slowed phenomenally as he thought about his words carefully
Remove both those words and see how much more direct the sentence becomes.
3) There was one point in the scene that needs work.
Rhys scowled, fork clattering against his plate. “No one lives there. It’s been abandoned for fucking years, dude. Besides, it’s been wrecked for just as long - fuckin’ squatters pissing everywhere, junkies leavin’ needles, you know.”
This outburst was quite surprising to me. Because Rhys was earlier characterised as too socially awkward to even ask for a drink. But then he's snapping back at Joe? Maybe you wanted this contrast in Rhys's behaviour to stand out on purpose. Maybe to spark intrigue in the reader regarding why Rhys is so suddenly defensive over a house. But the execution was off, I didn't buy it like I should have.
--
Wow that's it. Mostly impressed, just a few minor nitpicks. Nice one.
On to the next part of this chapter.
-Zoom
Points: 10017
Reviews: 154
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