Ask Me, I'm Fine

It's all about stuff.
What you can see. comma
What you can touch. comma
Everything worth anything comma
condensed.
Aside from the punctuation, outstanding first stanza.

It's the Reader's Digest of your life. comma
Commemorative plates of
precious moments. Special
edition memories. Limited
timehyphenonly successes. If you
call in now we'll throw in the
overwhelming sense that you
failed. Wow, really riveting.

Buy buy buy.
Spend spend spend.The random rhyme scheme here is really counter-productive and just throws me out of the loop
You are nothing
without those trends.

Xanax dreams of plenty. I don't really understand this line. Xanax is for anxiety? ;/
Broken hearts encased
by white picket fences. lovely. I can really see this and relate to it.

You tell yourself this
isn't "what you wanted".
You just wanted to
be happy.


I think you should end with a thought provoking question of some sort. The ending- while clever - doesn't feel finished.
Don't worry about rhyming. Sometimes it can be beneficial but some of the best poems ever written (in my opinion of course) have no rhyme or set meter.
Good luck and keep writing!
-KatTrain

Hey,

I liked this but I think it needs some help. It read as a story, as sentences rather than a poem. It's a bit choppy at times and there were occurences of enjambment that didn't sound right. I think you need more imagery, description and symbolism. This is very literal, very 'I'm telling you this bluntly' instead of 'I'm telling you this, but it might imply something else' which is what you should be aiming for in a poem. I really liked 'Broken hearts encasedby white picket fences.' and I think stuff like that is what you should try to write because it was brilliant. You have a good start, but now you need to edit a little.

Favorite Line: Broken hearts encased by white picket fences.

Grade: B+

~Jas

Hi Spork. Lavvi in to review.

I sort of read this like an oddly broken up very, very short story. Like icanbefixed already pointed out, the periods make it kind of choppy. They already pointed out some worthy ideas to consider.

Perhaps it's just me and my fatigue, but I really didn't understand the poem. I felt like it kind of just jumps all over the place, y'know? This can easily be fixed by taking out some words, making it more poem less prose. The periods, as well, have got to go someplace. I'm not saying totally remove the periods, but make them minimal in count.

Lavvi

Hey, Sporky I like this, it's pretty cool! It deserves a 'like' ^.^

~Forsakinshadow~

Hey there, Spork. So, first of all. I like the subject of your poem as well! I think that with a little trimming (or adding, if it helps), it could be quite the poem!

Off to the actual review!

So, this is just the rhythm stuff. You have a tendency to favor a period. Poetry is usually very... legato, so periods are taken very literally. They make the poem extremely choppy and hard to read. A lot of times, a stanza can be condensed into one sentence. If you do that, it helps with the flow.