Teenage Emergency

Wow. This was beautiful. Perhaps the use of that particular adjective sounds a little... morbid but I really liked this poem. Yes, it was dark but at the end of the day, these things really do happen. There's no point pretending they don't, which is what a lot of adults prefer to do. I've found they don't like confronting the truth. Anyway, I suppose my first real comment on this poem - rather than just my babbling nonsense - is that you've really captured the essence of reality in this, which I love.

You mess with their head,
Make them think you’re in bed.
Instead, you’re out chugging beer,
Singing drunken cheers,
You fight until somebody’s dead. A brilliant way to open! The only thing I didn't think flowed in this stanza was the last line. It just seemed to cut it dead, which is ironic and I don't know whether that was your intention or not. Ignore me if you think differently, however >.<

Your wrists are all scarred,
Your lungs are all tarred,
And your pillows are patterned with tears.
The drugs fuel your dark fears,
They put you in a cell that’s all barred. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this stanza. I loved it. It works really well. I loved how it seems to be confronting this teenager and it works brilliantly. I love your choice of words here too.'

Getting high and feeling low,
Cutting deep and breathing shallow, I'd take out the 'and' here; I don't think it fits with the beat
Painting your room red,
With all the hatred you bled,
Pretending that they don’t all know.

It’s another teen pregnancy.
It’s an alcohol-fuelled emergency.
The boys’ll all deny,
The girls’ll all cry,
'Cause they’d thought that guy was 'the one'
When that asshole just wanted some fun. So bloody true.

Put that wine in a glass,
Cheers to skipping class,
And telling your teacher you’re sick.
Isn’t failing school just a kick?
You both know there’s no way that you’ll pass.

There are worried calls,
Whispers in the halls.
She asks if you are on drugs,
But you give her some big, warm hugs,
You say that you’re tired, that’s all.

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose,
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer.
Then they’ll find you on the bathroom floor.
You knew there was just no use.A fantastic way to end. It's final, it's done and I think it works brilliantly. That feeling of ending is made stronger by the fact that death really is the end, which is why it works so well.

I see you've gotten lots of attention for this beautiful piece of work, so I won't bother with little repeated critques. Great job. Your grammar is great, along with your vocabulary. I really loved reading this.

Again, Great job!

Keep writing!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

This was a good poem, dark, but good. It had a weird flow, but I could deal with it. The message was pretty clear, and it was overall well written. I would just like to note Yanni1995's comment: "Happy writing!" should not be on here, because this poem isn't happy. It's angry writing, so I am going to revise Yanni's comment by saying Angry Writing!, but seriously good job.

Sad, but really really well written! Your poem is just my type!! Like Like Like Like Love!! Thank you for sharing this.

Hi,
I really liked the poem and the "dark" image it gave !!! But, this gives us a picture that all teenagers are like this .... but the truth is, here you are talking about a kind of lousy,low-life teenager boy but not ALL teenagers are like this, this is just a message to those who read this and thought so.

The boys'll deny
The girls'll all cry

This was beautiful! You've got a great talent and this poem proves it Keep it up!

Cheers,
Luxe

Unbelievably amazing! I loved this! I went right back to the top and read it again once I was done!

Hi.. I believe you are new here so, welcome to YWS!! If it is your first post her then I gotta say a thing- That was a bang and awesome entry!! Seriously it was so nice that I just loved it like, at once!! Brilliant!! Really i mean you were very clear in stating what you meant. Also the flow was smooth and constant so that's one of things you can compliment yourself on.. Good work!! Keep writing like this ( i feel wierd writing this since you're older than me, But its true)
Harshita:)

I really like this! I think a lot of people can relate, and it's really emotional. ^_^

Spook wrote:Getting high and feeling low,
Cutting deep and breathing shallow,

Spook wrote:It’s another teen pregnancy.
It’s an alcohol-fuelled emergency.

Spook wrote:Put that wine in a glass,
Cheers to skipping class,

I read this all, front to back and side to side. you can smack a teenager hard with this and being one myself really makes me look this over and think "how does this affect me?" and it affects many with this espcally the ones who need to get their act together. OVERALL awesome poem I love it 5 stars.

This was overall well written. You need a quick lesson on punctuation, though. It's important that you have punctuation! I suggest:

You mess with their head comma,
Make them think you’re in bed period,
But Instead, you’re out chugging beer comma,
And Ssinging drunken cheers
And you fight Fighting until somebody’s dead period.

Your wrists are all scarred comma,
And yYour lungs are all tarred comma,
And your pillows are patterned with tears period.
The drugs fuel your dark fears comma,
And They put you in a cell that’s all barred period.

Getting high and feeling low comma,
Cutting deep and breathing shallow period. (I really like this line and the one above ^^
Painting your room red comma,
With all the hatred you bled comma,
And pPretending that they don’t all know period.

It’s another teen pregnancy period.
It’s an alcohol-fueled emergency peirod.
The boys’ll all deny comma,
And tThe girls’ll all cry period.
'Cause they’d thought that guy was 'the one'
When that asshole just wanted some fun period.

Put that wine in a glass comma,
Cheers to skipping class comma,
And telling your teacher you’re sick period.
Isn’t failing school just a kick?
'Cause you know there’s no way that you’ll pass period.

There are worried calls comma,
And wWhispers in the halls period.
And sShe asks if you are on drugs comma,
But you give her some big, warm hugs comma,
You say that you’re tired, that’s all period.

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer
And they’ll find you on the bathroom floor
Because you know there’s just no use

This is really good I love the emotion in it. Keep writing for the good of the world!!!!

Hello there. First, I've got some nitpicks for you.

Comments:

Getting high and feeling low
Cutting deep and breathing shallow

And pretending that they don’t all know

The boys’ll all deny
And the girls’ll all cry

I would just like to thank-you for writing this very emotional and well written poem. I have no useful advice that could be of advantage to you, except for "keep writing!!"-DaRiEN

This is an awesome poem. I love the content and everything it meant but there is kinda no flow. You should use punctuations and then be careful with the words that you use because the rhythm is really off. Well, other than that, there's nothing else to say but, Happy writing!!

Wow this is truly amazing! Keep up the great work! Happy writing!!

Wow. Very, very good poem. It's also very lyrical. Have you realised that? The rhyme and everything, I could almost hear it being sung out as I was reading it. Love the rhyming pattern you have going on there. You have captured the dark side of a teens life perfectly. All the drugs, alcohol and stuff. I also really like how you showed people what's happening instead of telling it out plainly in the second stanza. Yeah, I can't find anything you haven't executed perfectly. Keep writing. You're brilliant

Wow.

So I'm new, obviously, and this is my first attempt at a review. I've been skimming through the forums but I just had to stop to take a look at this.

Just a few minor wordings I'd change:

Getting high and feeling low
Cutting deep and breathing shallow
Painting your room red
With all the hatred you bled
And pretending that they don’t all know

It’s another teen pregnancy
It’s an alcohol-fueled emergency
The boys’ll all deny
And the girls’ll all cry
'Cause they’d thought that guy was 'the one'
When that asshole just wanted some fun

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer
And they’ll find you on the bathroom floor
Because you know there’s just no use

wow, that was pretty dark. It was written very well, though. I can also see this poem as song lyrics, too. Your words have a nice ring to them.
They say one should write about what he/she knows. My first instinct is that you must be in high school. There's a lot of negative stuff going on...good thing there are plenty of cheerful poems on this website, too.
it was very nicely written. Keep at it!

If it were possible to 'Like' this poem a million and six times, I'd sit here clicking that button ALL DAY! This is an absolutely inspired and amazing poem! I love love love the narrative, tone, words, the everything! Alright, I've ranted enough, now time for some detail...

Your wrists are all scarred
And your lungs are all tarred
And your pillows are patterned with tears

Getting high and feeling low
Cutting deep and breathing shallow
Painting your room red
With all the hatred you bled
And pretending that they don’t all know

Put that wine in a glass
Cheers to skipping class
And telling your teacher you’re sick
Isn’t failing school just a kick?
'Cause you know there’s no way that you’ll pass

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer
And they’ll find you on the bathroom floor
Because you know there’s just no use

That was really, really well written. Kudos to you for that. I can't think of one bad thing to say about it, and I'm not good at reviewing things that I can't say anything bad about, so.... Yeah.