You'll cry, you'll weep,
you'll bawl in shame.
When your school status falls,
and theres nothing to blame.
But You
You say your friends
are no longer your friends.
And that your wounds
will never truely mend.
That nobody will love you
and away they send,
the only important person.
Thats You
You say your alone
without a buddy.
You hope your scars
will never be shown.
Stop with the non-sense,
you act like your six.
You weep and you cry
and you always complain,
that nobody likes you
and as if they said "bye"
To You.
You'll plunge off the deep end,
you'll over react.
You'll write dark poetry,
and act like your wack.
You'll wear all black,
and spike your hair.
You'll look rediculous,
not that anyone cares.
And when your through this stupid phase,
your friend is no longer a friend.
You'll try to find anything to blame
But Yourself
So down you'll fall,
you have nothing there.
Nothing to catch you,
you'll say its not fair.
Well a phrase from me,
so you can get back up,
for your future relation.
BUILD A FOUNDATION.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hey there sponson light.
I see that your piece has gone without its second review for quite some time, so here I am. There is a lot going on in this piece, but having the differing sections seems to be working for you. I like the format that you gave currently, even if some portions do feel a bit clunky. But I’m putting the overall issues with flow down to the rhyme scheme and the word choice.
When you’re splitting up the sections, I would recommend being more precise about them and the short description lines you use around them.
From the way that rhyme scheme and wording match up, this situation looks like it’s forced rhyme to me. And that you were definitely forcing the wording to give you consistent line lengths. One spot that stuck out to me right away was the repetition of friends. There’s nothing that bad about it but when you’re rhyming it on the next line with mends, it does begin to feel out of place.
Another specific line that bothers me is the final line. You’re trying to come full circle and draw everything together, but I think it’s a distraction. It’s a distraction with the word choice and the shift in formatting for it to be in all caps. I’m sure that you were trying to get the attention of the readers, but maybe this is a little too much emphasis.
To find a good wrap up line, you have determine what point you’re trying to make. And I didn’t get the vibe of the importance of building a foundation from the rest of the poem.
The specific word choice is nothing special, and the place to start is determining what you need and what you don’t need.
I think that’s all I have for now.
Happy revmo.
- jack
(sorry to double post)
Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent
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I like the concept but I don't really see how this is Lyric, probably more Dramatic or Other but it's okay I guess. It was a bit lengthy and redundant; needs a little work but you're going in the right direction.
"You say your friends
are no longer your friends."
This was a little redundant...and I think it could be written differently.
"BUILD A FOUNDATION."
Kind of unexpected...but not only that, it didn't seem to fit...it was just like you couldn't think of anything else to say. I think the poem would sound better if you just dropped it completely.
Good poem.
I agree with Dargquon...
oh so true, yet hard to build strong foundations.