“Kate, someone is here to see you” My mom said abruptly interrupting my thoughts of hatred of unpacking boxes.
“Who is it?” I got up from the floor.
Mom whispered “It’s a surprise.” Being alive for seventeen years, you would think your own mother would know that you do not like surprises.
“Mom, you know I don’t like surprises.”
She smiled “Honey, I promise it’s a good surprise.” At this very moment I have two choices either stay in my room or go see the surprise visitor in the living room. I decide to give my mother the benefit of the doubt hoping that she is right about the visitor.
I should have stayed in my room. I got to the bottom of the stairs and saw a glimpse of red hair. No, just no. I walked to the kitchen to see mom sipping on coffee. “Mom, why is he here?”
“I have no idea who you are talking about.” Mom went about sipping her coffee.
“Why is Remy here?” I sat down across from her.
“He is here to talk to you.”
“Mom, Remy and I aren’t friends.”
“You don’t just throw away a nine year old friendship away because of one little fight.”
I was about to say something else when mom said “He has been trying to talk to you for a long time, the least you could do is give him thirty minutes.” I really hate when mom is right.
“Fine, thirty tops.” I got up from the table.
Fifteen minutes ago, when I entered the living room, I thought Remy was going to say something. Nope, instead I see for the first time in my life a nervous, quiet Remy. Those are two words I never thought I would ever use to describe him. I have had enough of this awkwardness and putting my hands on my knees to rise when he says “Kate, don’t leave, we still have to talk.”
“You’ve been quiet the entire time!” I was in the process of leaving the room but Remy decided to grab my wrist. I remember the good ole days when he and I were the same height, I didn’t have to strain to see his face. Now I feel like I’m looking up at a skyscraper.
“Could you just listen?.”
I looked at his face and said “I will try my best.” I sat down on the couch and He just stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before deciding to sit beside me.
“I don’t know where to start,” He was running his hands through his hair. I was right there with him, not knowing where to start the discussion with our broken friendship.
“Let’s talk about something else.” I suggested.
“Do you play sports now?”
“I run in circles for a sport.”
He laughed and that’s when I noticed his shorts.
“Do you still play basketball for travel and school?”
“Yeah, my life is centered around basketball.”
“Planning on playing in college?”
“Definitely, I have several offers.”
“That’s good.”
“Thanks, are you planning on running in circles in college?”
“Probably, there are a few schools I would like to run in circles for.”
“Cool.” He and I continued to talk about what happened over the last few years, current things going on, and comic books.
Mom stuck her head in the door, interrupting our conversation about who would win in a fight between Iron Man or Batman.
“Hey guys, I made some cookies, have some.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Owens” Remy got up and headed toward the kitchen. Mom gave me a thumbs up when he passed her. I swear she is something else.
“Excited about Junior year?” Remy managed to get out while eating his chocolate chip cookie.
I looked at him and he picked up on my answer without me having to say it.
“I’m not looking forward to it either.”“Why?”
“It makes me feel old.”
“That is the dumbest answer I’ve ever heard.”“Made you laugh.”
“Yeah it did.”
“This feels like old times.”
“Look Remy…”
“Kate, You and I will be friends again.”
“Why don’t you give up on this Remy? You sent me hundred of emails, messages on facebook, letters, and not one single time did I answer. Isn’t obvious I don’t want to be your friend?”
“You know me, I love challenges.”
“Remy, I’m being serious.”
“I know you are and so am I.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Huh, because I am pretty sure I overheard you tell your mom you would give me thirty minutes and you have given me four hours.”
Remington Andrews managed to do the impossible, render me speechless.
“Four hours had passed, huh?,” I finally broke the silence.
“Yep, you were too busy trying to convince me cold Pop-Tarts are better than hot ones.”
“They are.”
“I don’t think so.”
“S’mores are the best flavor.”
“No, Cookies & Cream is.” Remy and I talked for another hour until his brother texted him to come home.
“See ya later K.”
“Bye Redhead.”
I went upstairs to mom’s room to see her fake pretending to read a magazine knowing she had been spying on us the entire time.
“How did it go?”“When did you two plan this?”
“Few hours ago, again did it go well?”“I’m going to try Cookies & Cream Pop-Tarts tomorrow to answer your question.” I said leaving the room leaving her completely clueless.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey, spongebob! Here's a short review for your work.
First, the title. I found it a good one. But when I read the story, I felt that it would be better if you kept the title only "Rebuilding a Friendship".
The story is a sweet one. It really captured my heart. First, I wanted it to be a serious story. But then you reminded me that no friendship can be serious serious, it is always cool serious.
I have learnt many important things from your story. Keep on writing stuff like this.
Yeah, the usage of punctuation was a little bit confusing. You made some grammatical mistakes too..Don't worry, it's something that everyone does.
This is all I would say since BlueAfrica and wallacies pointed out the other things.
Thank you for the review!
Hello! I'm not going to leave a long review because BlueAfrica has summarised it quite wonderfully, but I just thought I'd let you know that I enjoyed it! I'm a big fan of dialogue and it was nice seeing two characters interact for so long in such a nice and human way.
That being said, the lack of breaks from dialogue could pose a problem, and I noticed that near the beginning you mixed your tenses slightly with:
"At this very moment I have two choices either stay in my room or go see the surprise visitor in the living room. I decide to give my mother the benefit of the doubt hoping that she is right about the visitor."
Whilst this obviously isn't a big issue, it did pull me out of the story slightly! That being said, it was a nice read and I'd love to learn more about why their friendship fell apart in the first place!!
Thank you, have a nice day.
Thank you for the review!
Awwww, that was so cute at the end. I also really liked these lines:
Also I liked when Remy said she hadn't noticed how much time was passing because they'd been too busy arguing about which poptarts are better, and then they just start arguing about that all over again.
I have two suggestions, however. The first is: We get a really long back-and-forth of dialogue there sort of in-the-middle-but-also-sort-of-toward-the-end, and it's a little exhausting because there's nothing to break it up, not even dialogue tags. It's just that it leaves me feeling a little breathless just reading it. Plus I started to lose track of who was speaking. What are Remy and the narrator doing at that point? Standing up? Sitting down, eating the offered cookies? You can add details like this between lines of dialogue to slow down the too-fast pace and also give us an image of the characters at this moment.
The other is: I realize that the point of the two characters talking for so long is to sort of show us that they still do care about each other, that Remy really is sorry for whatever mistake he made, and that the narrator really does still want to be friends with him (even if she thinks she doesn't). However, I think they need to actually discuss it at some point--either somewhere in the midst of their conversation as friends, somewhere just before Remy leaves (even just him saying "I'm sorry" and her saying "I know, I'll see you tomorrow," just so we know things are really resolved and she's forgiven him), or in an extension if you wanted to write further about them really rebuilding their relationship. It's just that, well, if the narrator ignored all of Remy's Facebook messages and emails and texts and voicemails and whatnot because she was so angry, if she was dead certain that she didn't want to be friends anymore...it just seems too simple that they could pick up right where they left off without even discussing it or apologizing or any of it. She was so angry, after all.
It doesn't have to be a big thing that gets into what happened and so on and so forth, but like I said: I would've liked to at least see an apology from Remy and an acknowledgement of that apology from the narrator.
Feel free to PM me with any questions!
BlueAfrica
Thank you so much for the review!
You're welcome!