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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

A Love For Crime- Prologue

by SpencerReidIsMyLife


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

*This story will have multiple POV's (at least 4!)*

Prologue

I’m a good girl, Susie thought as she made her way towards the garage where her bicycle was kept. At least, that’s what everyone tells me. And if everyone says it’s true, then it has to be. She began to grip the rubber handles of her smooth purple bike as she led it out of the garage doors. I mean, sometimes I’ll exclude a girl in class, or maybe even tease the new-bees on my cheering squad, but that’s just the fact of life, right? Susie had been thinking like this for a while. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn’t really help herself. She was the perfect child who never did anything wrong. Well, I have to get my anger out somehow. Susie thought as she pulled herself over her bike, placed her feet on the square black pedals, and began on her route.

When it came to biking, Susie had a strict routine. She would take her bike out, ride two loops around her neighborhood, and, if she was feeling lucky, she would ride up to the front of her housing complex and then hurry home. There had been a lot of disappearances in her town lately, so she was just trying to be cautious. However, despite her efforts, her mom had still wanted her to stop riding. Over these past couple weeks, they had been fighting over this exact subject, but it wasn’t until last Monday when her mom had officially banned her from riding at all. Susie understood – she really did – the kids that went missing were her age, and frankly it scared her, but she wasn’t going to give up her biking routine based on some idiotic superstition that she would get abducted on her route. So when her mom practically dragged herself out of bed in order to go to an early meeting at their local parish, Susie jumped at the opportunity to get in her daily ride, one she had been deeply missing out on.

Unfortunately, Susie had barely finished her first loop around her neighborhood when she knew that something was off. Stop being paranoid, Susie mentally scolded herself, as she continued on her route. It wasn’t until she was about halfway through her second loop that she noticed the black SUV driving rather slowly, along the pavement beside her. Why is this guy tailing me? Feeling panic starting to rise up inside of her, she began to try to reason with herself. They probably just need directions, or something. Just go up and ask. If they don’t answer, then just ride home. Susie, having made up her mind, climbed off her bike and pulled down the foot brake. As the huge vehicle came to a stop, she proceeded towards the SUV and knocked three times on the driver’s tinted window. Stop worrying, she reminded herself, nothing is going to happen to you. You are the captain of the cheering squad and the head of five clubs at Ridendale High. Nothing is going to happen.

“Excuse me?” Susie said, attempting to get the driver’s attention, “My name’s Susie, do you need any help?”

After Susie ended her sentence, the driver rolled down their window, barely halfway, so that Susie could hardly make out what the driver looked like. But, from what she could tell, the driver was a woman, maybe in her mid- 30’s. She had light-toned skin, and brown hair that covered the sides of her face, which fell way past her shoulder blades. She wore dark, shady sun glasses across her face that reminded her of one of those cliché cop movies. Well, if she is a cop, Susie pondered, then I have nothing to worry about. But as the woman kept staring at Susie, no words forthcoming, she knew something was wrong.

She needed to get out of there, and she had no clue how.

Her palms were beginning to sweat, and she became abruptly shaky. She needed to do something.

“Alright,” Susie started, “well then I’m just gonna g -”, but before Susie could finish her sentence, the mysterious woman brought her own wrist slowly up to her lips, and whispered one, barely audible, word:

“Teper.”

‘Teper’? What could th — Before Susie could react, no matter respond, the SUV’s left side doors burst opened, and before she knew it two strong brutes were tackling her to the cold sidewalk floor.

“Stop!” Susie cried, “Stop it, please!” She continued to plead with the two men as she was rigorously dragged towards the trunk of the car. That is, until a large rag, filled with the smell of chlorine, was stuffed across her face. She began to fight back by shaking her head, arms, and legs back and forth, forcing the two men to try to restrain her to the pavement beside the car’s trunk. “Please…No, no! No…” Despite the rag muffling her screams, she continued pleading and struggling with her abductors, until everything went dark.


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126 Reviews


Points: 144
Reviews: 126

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Mon Nov 28, 2016 10:28 pm
papillote says...



It felt very short. I don't know why.
I like how you start building Susie's character right from the first paragraph. Something just felt inconsistent. For what little is said, I get the feeling that Susie is a little princess. Her parents have been protecting her, watching over her until the pressure started making a bully out of her.
I've never been a princess myself so I might be mistaken but doesn't anyone teach princesses not to talk with strangers? And isn't introducing yourself to complete strangers who might - or might not - need help Strange?
Doesn't "Excuse me? My name’s Susie, do you need any help?” sound strange to you?
One last thing: I don't know if you have ever been tackled on asphalt but it hurts. Even with adrenalin and everything, I'm surprised she doesn't mention it.
Now, I won't to know what's going to happen to Susie! I'll be reading you again, SRIML.




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624 Reviews


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:39 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, SpencerReidIsMyLife! Casanova here with another review!

I didn't notice this before I went to your chapter one, so I apologize the order these reviews are in, but I'll do the best I can.

Okay, characters. I felt like Susie was a little girl who was raised to act better than herself. I don't mean she was intentionally raised to be this way, but I think she was raised being spoiled and pampered to her hearts content, and this made her,"Think," she wasn't doing anything wrong, even though her conscious was trying to tell her that what she was doing was wrong. And that made me dislike her, but when this happened I felt rather sorry for her.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that you got your point across rather well, and that you described your characters well in this chapter. So props for that.
The other thing is the plot. I feel like you let it go by too slow, which was the opposite of the other chapter of yours that I read. I would suggest speeding up the rather boring parts of this, and moving it along faster in the beginning. But that's just me, you're the author of this and you decide on how you're going to write it.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about this one. I hope I helped, at least a little!

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on!

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




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Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:53 am
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey SpencerReidIsMyLife,

First Impressions: To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to think about this one, but it's mostly because it's a prologue, and those are always confusing and impossible to review.

In the way of composition, I thought it was intriguing enough to keep the reader reading at least through the first chapter.

Positives:

Feeling panic starting to rise up inside of her, she began to try to reason with herself. They probably just need directions, or something. Just go up and ask. If they don’t answer, then just ride home.


This was an interesting part. At first I was a bit confused, because I thought that Susy was a younger child, but once I figured it out, I felt that this was a great place where her personality showed, mostly because just about every other person would do the opposite.

Negatives: I suppose that I could summarize my thoughts on ways that I might improve this composition into three points:

1)
She would take her bike out, ride two loops around her neighborhood, and, if she was feeling lucky, she would ride up to the front of her housing complex and then hurry home.
"She" and "her" are used a lot in just a single sentence, which is repeated throughout the piece quite a lot. Simple thing, though.

2) It is a bit unclear how old Susie is, as at the beginning her mother is telling her what to do, making it appear she's quite young, but then later we learn that she's actually older.

3)
That is, until a large rag, filled with the smell of chlorine, was stuffed across her face.


Not sure how the "chlorine" fits in. Perhaps chloroform?

Overall: In the end it sounds like I need to keep reading, that way it will make mores sense. Keep it up!

I give it:
ImageImageImageImage


#008080 ">Joseph Henry George






Thank you for the lengthy review! I will take everything into consideration when I edit!!! The next chapter is up if you want to read it!




If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman