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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Jotunheim

by StuckOnEarth


                The wind was strong, icy and sharp as a blade as it whipped the silky grass to and fro. It looked almost like the ocean, minty green and rolling like the foamy waves that painted the horizon. The sun was practically grazing the distant land with its hot, fire-ridden breath, dashing the tips of the distant, snow-capped mountains with a streak of red, which soaked into the ground like blood. Each inhale sent cold air through his lungs, like icicles ripping at his tonsils. He could only ride, on and on, his horses hooves pounding the earth beneath him, its muscles rippling underneath its tight, glistening hide, breathing rough and heavy. His mouth was dry and almost sandy, perspiration coating his lips and fog clinging to his curly, unkempt hair. Everything was damp, making his loose clothing cling to his snow-pale skin. Though his hands stung from the rising blisters, he still clung to the leather strap that kept him from flying off the horses bobbing back. 

              He glanced to the side, straining his eyes in the direction of the red-streaked, snowy mountains. Jotunheim. He imagined he could see the great, ice-spiked backs of the Jotuns rising and lowering between the mountain peaks, their blue, lumpy heads rising, silhouetted against the sky. But even if he couldn't see them, he could feel them. Their magic rippled through the ground, making valley rabbits hop like frightened water bugs across the grass, their little pink noses shivering. It hung in the air like mist, making goosebumps rise on his strained, shivering arms and the hairs on the back of his neck rise. His heart felt like that of a nervous kitten, sputtering in his chest. He knew they were coming, he could practically imagine their beady blue eyes, like the feeling you get when you dip your bare feet into something so cold it was like a wave of fire burning up your skin.

           He was almost to the beach, damp grass slowly being replaced by the bone-white sand that spread out in miles on either side, pushing forward and pulled back by the foamy, cold green water. The fluffy-tailed valley rabbits had just barely disappeared into the deep green brush on the far left when the ground began to rumble. It started with barely a shudder, a distant sound reverberating around the mountains and making the glassy surface of the water ripple. Then it become a shudder, the surface rolling with each footstep, like the heartbeat of a heart buried deep within the earth. But it was not a heart, unfortunately, it was great, shuddering footsteps, and they were quickly approaching. His horse was standing close enough to the water that it brushed at the bottom of his hooves, creating foamy scoops where they stood. For a hesitant moment, where the ocean seemed to hold it's breath and the wind seemed to halt as if waiting for something, everything was still. The sky unfolded above them, stuck in its rusty haze, and in front of them, many miles away but running fast, the great Jotuns emerged. 

           First came their heads as they rose, great squares of clunky ice, with noses stuck out like broken, bent blades and mouths like scars splitting through their uneven faces. There were at least three of them, with small, mean eyes, except they were less like eyes and more like sockets holding little blue bugs, which whizzed this way in that in a crazed, hungry way. Their bodies were even more terrifying to him, and to his horse too, who backed farther into the water and neighed in alarm. Their chests were broad and thick, glistening red and icy blue, their arms giant chunks of splintered ice with knuckles bigger then the squat, ramshackle houses from the village from whence he came. His horse began to neigh, a shrill, anxious sound, and he reared back. The air was electric with energy as the ice giants stumbled over each other in an angry, blood-hungry attempt to crush the small boy standing in front of the ocean.

       The boy was afraid, but not as afraid as he believed himself to be. In fact, despite the racing of his shivering heart and the great pounding of the hungry Jotuns, he was calm. His mind was blank, he was not thinking, he was merely staring into the dark, flitting eyes of the first Jotun and daring it to come closer. And come it did. 

          "Go!" The boy shouted to his horse, his words coming out of his mouth like a hoarse cough, and he ripped the leather straps to the side. The horse screeched, and with a spray of glittering white sand, he stumbled to the side. "Run, run!" The black swirl of its main blinded the boy, and he could only hope and pray that he ran fast enough to outsmart the giants and send them tumbling into the sea. There was a great roar, a roar that shook the trees and the grass, and even the sky seemed to shake like a door on loose hinges in a thunderstorm. Then a splash, a splash like someone throwing an object through a window, and water poured over the boy and his horse, coating them with cold, salty seawater. 

          The boy turned turned his head to see the tangle of giant icy limbs as the once-ferocious Jotuns scrambled to claw their way out of the water. But they were slowly melting, tangled in slimy seaweed that tied them down. The boy watched triumphantly, and the last thing he saw were the eyes of one of the Jotuns, mean, but fading like a distant dream. Then, there was silence.  The waves went back to their regular thrumming, the sun began to fade like yellow paint on the faded wall of an old house, and the wind began to run it's cool fingers through the leaves of the forest. Bunnies heads began to pop up, ears perked nervously and noses quavering in the air.

      The boy sat on his horse, in the fading light of day, with nothing but giant, melting footsteps disappearing into the swish of the ocean to indicate any sign of struggle before this peaceful moment.

    


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Mon Feb 05, 2018 10:27 pm
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TheStoic wrote a review...



Hello there, friend. These are a few lines that I have isolated in which, I believe, does a nice job of creating an impression. 1) "The boy watched triumphantly, and the last thing he saw were the eyes of one of the Jotuns, mean, but fading like a distant dream." 2) "The waves went back to their regular thrumming, the sun began to fade like yellow paint on the faded wall of an old house, and the wind began to run it's cool fingers through the leaves of the forest. 3) "His mind was blank, he was not thinking, he was merely staring into the dark, flitting eyes of the first Jotun and daring it to come closer."

These touched the palate well, creating vivid sensation. I do have some advice for you. It is clear that you are experimenting with description - the entire tale is littered with adjectives. Try to weave nouns and verbs - even adverbs - to do the describing. In most cases, nouns are sufficient for describing the state of an object/situation. Also, experiment with sentence structure. Avoid perpetuating sentences that describe, but instead adopt specific nouns that will do this for you. This also has an effect on the efficiency of description. Best of luck to you. Adieu.




StuckOnEarth says...


Thanks for the review!^^



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Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:47 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hiya SpaceSnickerdoodle! Inky here for a review, so let's get to it!

The wind was strong, icy and sharp as a blade as it whipped the silky grass to and fro.

That's a lot of adjectives. Adjectives are descriptive words, yes, but you want to use other types of words to paint a picture for your audience. You kind of have the right idea with "whipped" but I need to see more strong verbs like that one. I'll link an article that can explain it better: Verbs Are The New Adjectives

It looked almost like the ocean, minty green and rolling like the foamy waves that painted the horizon.

Again, you have the same problem as above. Hopefully that article will help steer you in the right direction because you have some good stuff going on, it's just drowned out by the sheer amount of adjectives.

But even if he couldn't see them, he could feel them. Their magic rippled through the ground, making valley rabbits hop like frightened water bugs across the grass, their little pink noses shivering.

I don't think this comparison to waterbugs works very well, especially because waterbugs skate on the surface instead of hopping. I don't think you need to liken the rabbits to anything because the image of rabbits hopping is something most, if not all, of your readers will know.

His heart felt like that of a nervous kitten, sputtering in his chest.

As above, I feel like this similie doesn't work. A nervous kitten isn't really a common thing to think about or say. I don't think you really need to compare his heartrate to anything at all, but if you still want to use a similie, using a mouse or a songbird would make a little more sense. Well, it's not that your comparison didn't make sense, it did, but it was just kind of strange, and I don't think it worked well enough that it should be kept.

like the feeling you get when you dip your bare feet into something so cold it was like a wave of fire burning up your skin.

I like this comparison a lot more. Good job on this one. I know the feeling exactly.

He was almost to the beach, damp grass slowly being replaced by the bone-white sand that spread out in miles on either side, pushing forward and pulled back by the foamy, cold green water.

You have an adjective overload here as well, but I mainly pointed out this sentence to tell you to fix the weird tense issue you have going on. The bolded words here should have the same ending, either:
...pushing forward and pulling back...
or
...pushed forward and pulled back...
I like the -ed ending one better because I think it sounds better and you won't have to change anything except for the ending of "push".

I think that as an exercise in description, you were successful. Despite my complaint about the too many adjectives, you did a fantastic job of setting the scene and really making the audience see what was happening.

The plot, however, was lacking. Since it's a short story, the plot doesn't have to be anything huge or complex, but a little bit of background would be nice. The audience should know why the jotuns are attacking this guy on horseback. For that matter, who is this character? What's he doing in the wilderness on a horse? No need to give his life story, but it would improve the narrative if the audience knew why everything that happened happened.

Overall, I think you wrote this very well. I think you could try to vary up your sentence structure a little more so it'd flow better, but overall, I can't think of much else to comment on. I would love to see an edit of this, or even a longer story expanding on this. Nice job!

If you have any questions or comment, ask me in a reply to this review or a pm!

(I started this review yesterday in an attempt to clear out the GR, but it seems that 2 others have beaten me to it)

~Inky




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Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:23 am
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Carina wrote a review...



Heya!

This was a nice piece that depicted an adventure of a traveler who stumbles across a giant monster who wants to kill him, then runs away on his horse as the monster fades away. I liked the descriptions and the fantasy-adventure side of this piece, however! There is one area I'd like to address: the over-saturation of descriptions. This may be your personal writing style, but for a short piece like this, the sensory overload of descriptions and adjectives can be overwhelming. It's kind of funny, too, because most people tend to have the opposite problem; they write too many actions and not enough details. It seems like you have a wee bit too much detail and not enough action, but consider it a blessing in disguise since you've already mastered on how to write sensory details in an engaging way.

I think the best example of "too many details" is the intro:

The wind was strong, icy and sharp as a blade as it whipped the silky grass to and fro. It looked almost like the ocean, minty green and rolling like the foamy waves that painted the horizon. The sun was practically grazing the distant land with its hot, fire-ridden breath, dashing the tips of the distant, snow-capped mountains with a streak of red, which soaked into the ground like blood. Each inhale sent cold air through his lungs, like icicles ripping at his tonsils.


This was the hook of the story, and right off the bat there's lines of descriptions. Again, I'd like to stress that your descriptions are good; it's just overwhelming to have to start off and read so many of them. Generally, for an introduction, you want to have a good hook. Here's a great site for hook ideas. I think in your case, the best hook would be an anecdote. For example: "When I was young, my father told me a story about the Jotuns. [insert fantasy description story here]" Something as simple as that could work!

That's pretty much all I have to say for this piece: less descriptions, more action. After all, the genre is fantasy, action, and adventure. I'd love to see more!

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Carina




StuckOnEarth says...


Hiya! Thanks for the review, and I'll think about your suggestions when I write next!^^



Carina says...


No problem! I hope I wasn't harsh on the review; I did enjoy reading this. :) You have such flowery language and a talent in making descriptions. I'd honestly love to see what a love letter from you would look like. XD



StuckOnEarth says...


Probably very sappy. XD And I'm glad you liked it! You weren't too harsh--I enjoy the feedback. :D



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Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:30 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this dramatic depiction of a boy who encounters supernatural creatures and must flee. First, if you re writing at this complexity at your claimed age then consider you a genius. The pauses punctuation and general tempo of the story indicate a far more mature mind than that of a common fourteen-year old.You certainly have great talent in describing scenery. Makes the story come dramatically alive. The sound as if the earth had a heartbeat is one of my favorites. The horse’s muscles rippling under its tight glistening hide is another. In fact, the visual imagery is so effective that it literally mesmerized me.

Suggestions:

First, please note that I didn’t see a boy in my mind’s eye until you told me it was a boy way down past halfway. That is after 680 words out of 1,013.
....small boy standing in front of the ocean.
The boy was afraid,


During all that previous time I was imagining a man because only the pronoun “he" was being used. So I suddenly had to adopt an entirely new perspective to the whole story since a boy’s emotions aren’t the equivalent of an adult's. Neither is the way that a reader reacts to a boy in danger the same as when it involves an adult. So to prevent this sudden shift in perspective from the reader who will feel frustrated, it is best to identify the protagonist as a boy from the very beginning. This can be done in the following manner: “The boy’s mouth was dry....”

There is also the mention of horses when only one horse is involved. You need to use the possessive for horse which is “horse’s”.

“The black swirl of its main...” [mane]

In any case you have a great talent and I look forward to reading more of your work.




StuckOnEarth says...


Thanks a lot for the compliments! It really means a lot, because a lot of my life is devoted to making my stories as good as possible, because I genuinely enjoy it and wish to make a living out of it someday. I'm glad to see an older author enjoys my stories and has good things to say about them.^^ Thanks for the feedback as well!



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Tue Jan 23, 2018 1:38 am
zaminami says...



hUH NORWEGIAN STUFFS I WILL REVIEW TOMORROW




StuckOnEarth says...


COOLIO. XD




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