Chapter 1:
Things Aren't Always What You Think
Ally was looking into her closet and called down to her mom,"How much more time 'till we got to leave?"
"About 10 minutes." Ally's mom called back.
Ally thought fast. If I wear my red hoodie with my jeans and pink t-shirt it will be fine. She grabbed the things she planned and her backpack. She ran down the steps and went to the bathroom. When she came out she was wearing her high tops, jeans, pink t-shirt, and red hoodie. "Mom, I need to brush my hair and teeth and I'll be ready,okay?"
"Alright, come into the living room when you're done" said her mom.
She hurried up to do her hair and teeth and ran into the living room. When she got in the living room, she saw her mom on the couch.
"Honey,I got you a new phone--"
"Omg mom, thank you so much" said Ally.
"Ally,you didn't let me finish. You have to earn your new phone,understand?" Her mom said.
"Yes ma'am, I understand clearly, but what do I need to do to earn it?"Ally asked.
"You need to get good grades for the first semester of school, okay" her mom said back
Chapter 2:
Hearts Pounding
Ally was rushing through the halls that were filled with kids and she literally had to say sorry to every kid for hitting them with her backpack.
"Ally! Its been forever. Omg how are you?" Ally's best friend,Carmen called.
Carmen was wearing all black. A black backpack, black tights, a black t-shirt with PUNK on the front, and black boots.
"I'm so excited for school, and plus have you seen Justin or Ryan?" Ally said back to Carmen examining Carmen's clothes.
"Not yet, but I'm sure they are around here somewhere, come on!" Carmen said, taking Ally's hand.
Once Ally and Carmen got to the B-hall, they looked around for Justin and Ryan. After standing there like freaks for like minute, they caught Justin's eye.
"Justin! Over here." Ally said, calling Justin over.
Justin rushed over until he finally met Ally and Carmen. Of course, like always, Justin had is Pokemon cards. But seriously though this was seventh grade, yet he still was playing Pokemon.
"Hey guys,how was your summer?" Justin asked as he was counting out his cards.
"You do know it is kind of rude to count something such as cards while your'e talking to someone, right" Ally said raising an eyebrow.
"Well duh." he replied.
"Hey I'm still here you know" Carmen said.
"Come on guys, we need to get to class" Ally said in a rush.
"Hey why don't we see if we have any classes together or not" said Carmen.
"We all have lunch and math together, and it look's like me and Carmen have Spanish, and you and Justin have science together." said Ally.
Chapter 3:
Food, Boys, and Trouble
Before Ally knew it, it was lunch. She had to go through English first period, Spanish second, and science. Now it was time for lunch and she had forgotten to pack one.
"Now, what am I going to eat. I just cant go in there with fake money?!" Ally said.
"Hey who are you talking to, "Fake Money" Ha Ha!" said two boys.
Ally stared the boys down and thought to herself that they were in sixth grade.
"Hey boys how about you watch out before yo-
One of the boys walked into a wall and fell over.
"Hey Derek are you okay?" Said the other boy, that didn't walk into a wall.
"No I'm not okay" Derek said
___________________________
Ally was standing in line waiting to get her lunch. She decided to get fries, pizza, and pears. When Ally sat down she decided to sit down with Justin and Carmen.
"Hey Ally, why did you buy you're lunch today?"
"I forgot to pack it last night so I just got school lunch." replied Ally.
"Hey Carmen, can I talk to you alone?" Ally asked.
Ally and Carmen walked to a different table with no people.
"What did you want to talk about?" Carmen said curiously.
"Um................," Ally started to say something but trailed off.
"Just say it, you can tell me anything!" Carmen said.
"I like Justin." Ally said nervously.
The words just slipped out of her mouth.
"What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?" Carmen said.
"Uh, yeah, promise you wont tell?" Ally said a little freaked out.
"Promise." Carmen said back.
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138,979 Literary Works • 672,395 Reviews
Hi there!
Just a few notes for you. First of all, I noticed that when using the word "you're" you are spelling it "your'e" Also in relation to that, it should read "Hey guys, how was YOUR summer." Your is possessive, you're is an abbreviation of "you are." You use "Hey" a lot to begin a narrative, if you do this be sure to put an comma after it if the character carries on speaking. For example "Hey, I'm still here you know." However if it is followed by a name etc, then the comma comes after the name. Example "Hey Derek, are you okay?" You have put commas in the correct place in some parts but have just missed them out in others. You could definitely do with re-reading and correcting the small grammar and spelling errors.
Another thing is that I feel like the story is very vague and not developing into anything. In my opinion, a story has to have something in the first few paragraphs that really hooks me into wanting to read more. Perhaps a flashback/forward as an insight into what might develop later on in the story?
The chapters are very short. Most chapters will take place over various scenes, with a developing storyline throughout each. The set of three chapters here could easily be put together as part of only one chapter. Character development is important too and it seems that quite a few people are being introduced in a short space of time and I don't really know anything about any of them.
Also description is key! Describe the places, the people. Even if it seems over the top, go for it! Readers love to use their imagination but they also love to have something to work from that can set a scene for them.
Good luck in the rest of your writing
Alright, I have two notes for you today. First is a common mechanical error, which is the way you format your dialogue.
When a character makes a statement, or says a sentence that would normally end with a period, you turn the period into a comma and follow it with the dialogue tag. So for example, your last sentence. Right now, it looks like this:
What it should look like is this:
(If your character asks a question, however, it will still end with a question mark like usual. Periods are the only end-of-sentence punctuation that turn into commas at the end of the dialogue that precedes a dialogue tag.)
If your dialogue tag was switched so that it was “said Carmen” instead of “Carmen said,” “said” would start with a small s instead of a capital. It seems like you understand that, so that’s good! However, the same rule applies even if the character’s dialogue ends with a question mark or an exclamation point. For example, one of your sentences right now looks like this:
What it should look like is this:
I know that seems counterintuitive, because we’re used to starting off with capital letters after a period, question mark, or exclamation point, but this is just the way dialogue works. You’re ahead of where I was when I started writing, though. I didn’t even know different people’s dialogue should go in different paragraphs! (Wow, that’s embarrassing. Let’s pretend I did not just admit that.)
The other note I have is about the end of chapter 3. So it ends on basically a cliffhanger, because all of a sudden we’re finding out that Ally likes Justin as more than a friend and we have no idea if he feels the same way or not.
That’s great, but right now it basically comes out of nowhere. It’s a little jarring for the reader, because we’re not sure where the story is going but then all of a sudden at the end of the third chapter the main character is all, “HI READERS, I LIKE A BOY AND THIS STORY IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE ABOUT THAT.”
It would be better if you can clue us in beforehand. You don’t have to tell us outright that Ally likes Justin (unless you want to), but it would help if we see her thinking about Justin before school, wondering if he’ll like her outfit, stuff like that. Things she might think even if he’s a friend and that’s it, but we’ll think: Hmm…this girl might have a crush.
Just something to think about. Feel free to message me if you have any questions!
BlueAfrica
Thanks, I will try hard in my next few chapters and fix some errors
Hi there! Freya here for a review. Let's just jump on in shall we?
) Don't just say "it was time for lunch." Tell us how much she was disappointed or relieved to get out of science class. Her excitement to hear the bell. Tell about the lunchroom. I take classes at a co-op in my town and I know that in the lunchroom there are some serious cliques. Middle school girls, nerds, football players. They've all got their own table. Go into more detail about the day she's having.
I love the way you're going with this. I'm not relating to any of the characters but I really liked reading this. I'm homeschooled so it's interesting to see what other people think about High school and such.
Characters: You're characters seem somewhat lifeless to me. In my brain, I'm forming assumptions about everybody if you don't tell me. I'm assuming Ally has brown hair. I'm assuming Carmen has blonde hair. You don't tell us really anything about them except Carmen wears black, Ally says "omg" a lot, and Justin plays Pokemon. Try and tell us what Ally is thinking throughout her morning routine and while she's talking to her friends. If she's irritated make her roll her eyes. If she's happy make her stand a little straighter and smile nice and big.
Flesh: A good way to flesh out your novel is to add description (if I haven't made that clear
Description: This goes ties in with the last two points. Describe the hallways. Describe what your characters look like. If Carmen has blonde hair like I imagined you could say: "Carmen smiled and swept a few strands of her wispy blonde hair back behind her ear."
That's all I have. Keep writing and do NOT stop. No matter what. I started out just like you and now I've written a novel and a half. So, keep up the good work!
I accidentally re-submitted my review. So sorry. Just ignore this.
Hey there! I'm here for a review. It's always great to see someone starting a new novel, because those take a lot of work, but if you make it through, it's a big accomplishment! So here's to hoping you'll make it through.
So, I have some advice for you, and I'm going to split it up into two sections: plot and word choice/grammar.
Word Choice/Grammar/Other Technical Stuff
1. You do a really good job here of making the characters sound like teenage girls, but be careful not to go over the top. If you think about it, a lot of dialogue in books isn't technically realistic. After all, we say "um" and other placeholder words all the time in real life, but you won't see any of that in books. Why? Because it's tedious to read. Make sure every word your character says means something.
2. Use proper grammar, and don't go overboard. Spell out things like "omg," and limit yourself to only one exclamation mark at a time - it looks a lot more professional that way. Also, you only need three periods to make an ellipse.
3. Your chapters are way too short. All of them are just one scene, and each scene is only a couple hundred words. In a regular novel, chapters will often be around 6-7,000 words, with multiple scenes. What you have here would probably be half of one chapter. In case you're wondering how to get that high of a wordcount, here's the answer: flesh those scenes out. Add description. Readers want to know what the place they're in looks like. Also, include more of what your main character is thinking.
Plot
I'd like more details here. The way this is written, it just doesn't quite feel realistic. Why would her mom randomly buy her a phone, even if the incentive is for Ally to get good grades? Wouldn't they have at least talked about it first? Phones aren't cheap.
This was quite funny, if a little unrealistic. If that's the genre you're writing in, though, it's great.
I'm in high school, and every day before school a whole bunch of kids sit in the lobby and play Pokemon every day. I don't think it's really that much of an "uncool" thing to do.
Anyway, that's about all I've got for you. Good luck with this novel and keep writing!