Spring of the Eight Hundredth Year of the Cardinal
"Now where is this kid?"
"Shush! . . . In the Autumn Springs Kingdom."
Second Commander McCray and Fourth Captain Price of the Second Knighthood to the Kingdom of Darkness were crouched in the bushes near the borderline of the Light and Dark Realms. Commander McCray held a pair of binoculars to his eyes and sighed, then let them fall back around his neck. He drew his sabre and mounted his horse. Captain Price rolled his eyes and did the same. He was tired, and would have liked to stay in his cozy bunk. But when King Evan calls, one must jump to obey.
The pair of knights rode along in silence until they reached Valent, the capital city of Autumn Springs. They then dismounted and tethered their horses to a couple of trees in a nearby grove. Second Commander McCray ran toward the Crystal Palace, sabre outstretched. Captain Price shook his head and followed, but with less fervor.
Such a trifle task! he thought, chasing after McCray.
The two knights snuck into the castle through an open window on the second floor, unnoticed by the royal guard or anyone else. The two men crept along the hallways and ran up a flight of stairs.
"I hope you know where you're going, Commander," Price whispered.
The castle was dark and silent, and the knights' armor shifted noisily against their bodies as they walked. A few moments passed, and as they rounded a corner, they heard the fall of hobnailed boots upon the tiled floor and stopped in their tracks.
"Halt! Who goes there?" shouted the unseen Autumn Springs Royal Guardsman.
Both men stayed silent, and the guard eventually eased his tension and settled back against the wall.
"You go into the child's room while I keep watch," the commander directed.
"Why me? Why can't ---"
"Just do it!"
Captain Price glumly snuck around the dozing guard and into the room nearby. It was a nursery. Precisely where they had wanted to be. A pale blue wooden cradle sat on each side of the room's single window. Twins.
The dark-haired infants lay sleeping. Captain Price heard a grunt, a splatter, then a thud and knew the commander had slit the guard's throat. He swallowed hard.
"Hurry up, Price!" Commander McCray hissed. "In a minute we'll be swamped by guards! Come on!"
"Which one?! There's two!"
There was a pause.
"The oldest! Daymore!"
Captain Price turned his attention back to the cradles. The infants' names were carved into the foot of the little beds in fancy writing. He snatched the boy out of the cradle that read: Daymore
He ran out of the room, and the two men scurried down the stairs and down the corridors until they reached the open window through which they had gotten in. Commander McCray climbed out first, and Captain Price passed the sleeping infant to him. And once the captain was outside, the child was given back to him, and the knights dashed back to the woods where they had tied their mounts. As they climbed aboard, Price was careful of the infant he held, and once the two men were on their way back to the Dark Realm, they chuckled and laughed at how easily they had gotten away.
A while down the road, Captain Price asked, "So why did King Evan want this brat anyway?"
The commander sighed and shifted uncomfortably.
"He wanted a baby boy because he can't seem to spawn one himself, so we had to steal one for him. He wants a son to take over the throne for him when he passes on. Well, he somehow heard that the Royal Family of Autumn Springs had just welcomed the arrival of a pair of twin boys, and since the castle is never guarded very heavily, the king knew it would be simple to sneak in and kidnap one of the babies. The younger twin will probably end up dying anyway. The plague is going around, and he's sure to catch it."
Second Commander McCray chuckled to himself.
"Anyway, let's get back as soon as possible. I'm exhausted, and I'm looking forward to getting back to my bunk," Captain Price said.
The two men rode the rest of the distance in silence.
* * * * * *
The next night when Second Commander McCray and Captain Price supped with King Evan to celebrate their victory, they got word of terrible mourning taking place in the Light Realm. King Evan dismissed this news with a wave of his hand.
"So be it!" he cried triumphantly. "I've got what I want."
He raised his goblet to his lips, and glanced at the whining child in the servant's arms. They were sitting in a far corner of the room, and the boy's nurse was trying to coax him into drinking from her breast. McCray and Price exchanged glances and chuckled.
King Evan cleared his throat. "I knew I could trust you, McCray! 'Tis a smashing victory for you and the Second Knighthood! I think a promotion to First Commander is in order for you."
McCray shook his head and spoke up. "Oh, but 'twasn't me that retrieved the child, Your Highness. It was Captain Price."
"Oh?" King Evan raised his eyebrows at the captain. "Well, then. Marlo! Fetch my scepter! I shall promote you to First Major Price."
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Hello Southern_Belle ^_^.
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‘The pair of knights rode along in silence until they reached Valent, the capital city of Autumn Springs. They then dismounted and tethered their horses to a couple of trees in a nearby grove.’
-- I feel very distant from this scene. I think it may be a pacing issue, but I’m not sure. Essentially, it carries across the same sort of feelings as, ‘they went over here, then they did this.’ Try connecting the reader to Price’s thoughts, feelings and emotions. Don’t forget descriptions either, which can help pull the reader into a scene.
‘The two knights snuck into the castle through an open window on the second floor, unnoticed by the royal guard or anyone else. The two men crept along the hallways and ran up a flight of stairs.’
-- This should be quite a tense scene, but it isn’t. Once again, the thoughts and feelings of Price will help. Show the reader his nervousness and fear, so that the reader really understands what’s at stake. Describing the scene can help create more atmosphere also,
‘Precisely where they had wanted to be.’
-- Cut out ‘had’, as it’s not needed here.
Anyway, this is an intriguing opening, and I’m interested in seeing where you’ll take it.
Keep on writing
Ah, something of an info dump... Giving this information all at once at the very beginning is probably not the best way of making it memorable to the reader. Try spreading it out more.
I don't think you need "and" right there. You're mostly telling instead of showing, at this point... Which I think is actually ok, only the "and" gives it a list-like feel. If that makes sense.
This bothered me a tiny bit, because a "while" doesn't measure distance...
Other than those things, I thought this was quite good. It was easy to read, and you kept the story interesting. On one hand it has some typical fantasy staples (Kingdoms, knights, castles, etc), but it gives the feeling that there's something unusual and amusing going on as well.
I like this, it's a good start. The only comment I have is that it is a little choppy. I think a few more details to do a little more "showing" rather than "telling" would get your message across better. All in all, I thought this was really good and I'm intrigued as to what happens next! =)
This looks interesting, and you've done a good job at setting the scene for what's going to happen. I don't think there are any mistakes, but a few things I thought could be made better:
"Trifle task"? Getting a desert?
And also:
Maybe that's just me, but I think you could have put this a different, cos I didn't get this the first time I read. I might just be particually dense, here.
Apart from that, it was good!
-ShadowTwit