Sonnet 2 - On a Hopeful Love

Hullo, Southern_Belle.

You can call me Cal, or CL. First of all, this is a beautiful, lovely sonnet, and I want to applaud you for your ability to rhyme, something that I have yet to even get a handle on, let alone master it. Plus I have to give you kudos for using Ye Olde Shakespeare English properly. Go you. You are my hero.

Cal’s Legend
Recast = Rewrite
P.O = Previously Owned Language = Cliché

-- L1 -- O to gaze 'pon thy truly handsome face, // Recast: O, to gaze upon thy handsome face, // Truly is a syntax (slash) pronunciation, tongue-stopper. Plus, it’s superfluous.

-- L4 – All are sins disgraceful e’en to thy name // I was really confused at this. It took me about 2.5 reads to get a handle on what you are trying to say. Are you saying that all sins are disgraceful to [this person]? Or, are you saying that compared to the purity of [this person] all sins are disgraceful?

-- L5 – Who am I, a worldly sinning girl, to // The –ly throws me off, thus throwing off the syntax. I’d recast it to something else that flows better. Plus, if you leave it how it is now you need to put a comma between worldly and sinning – worldly, sinning girl.

-- L6/L7 – Want thee so desperately and to ask / for thy affection and thy heart so true? // This seems almost too extensive, I think that is what I said the first time around, I thought it too wordy, something about how it sounds is off, maybe too many t sounds.

-- L8 -- No one but thee can see behind my mask! // This is riding the fence of P.O. I can count the number of times I have seen this same sentiment on both hands for starters. But there is something I like about it.

-- L9 -- Thy true, noble mind grants me hope. Even so, // The syntax is off on this sentence, plus I think true is superfluous. Maybe try recasting some of the wording to make it flow better.

-- L10 -- The space 'tween us pains me in regions deep; // I ADORE this. It is so, so wonderful and loverly. I would quote it liberally if the chance came to.

-- L11 -- Without thee, my love, on I cannot go. // Something about the inversion throws the flow off, perhaps: On without thee, my love, I cannot go.

-- L12 -- Thou know'st not that thy silence makes me weep. // Possible recast: Thow know'st not that the silence makes me weep.

-- L13/L14 -- But in my dreams, and in one day to come, / May our hearts join together to be one. // Awww, how sweet. At one point, I'd call this campy. But I can't, cause it fits so perfectly, such the proper sentiment.

Brava on such a loverly sonnet.

Hope this helps, dear.
Cal.


P.S - Ofour said something about the 11 syllables, I only count nine. Am I right or just math impaired? Plus, even sounds a helluva lot better than e'en.

Hullo, Southern_Belle.

You can call me Cal, or CL. First of all, this is a beautiful, lovely sonnet, and I want to applaud you for your ability to rhyme, something that I have yet to even get a handle on, let alone master it. Plus I have to give you kudos for using Ye Olde Shakespeare English properly. Go you.

Cal’s Legend
Recast = Rewrite
P.O = Previously Owned Language = Cliché

-- L1 -- O to gaze 'pon thy truly handsome face, // Recast: O, to gaze upon thy handsome face, // Truly is a syntax (slash) pronunciation, tongue-stopper. Plus, it’s superfluous.

-- L4 – All are sins disgraceful e’en to thy name // I was really confused at this. It took me about 2.5 reads to get a handle on what you are trying to say. Are you saying that all sins are disgraceful to [this person]? Or, are you saying that compared to the purity of [this person] all sins are disgraceful?

-- L5 – Who am I, a worldly sinning girl, to // The –ly throws me off, thus throwing off the syntax. I’d recast it to something else that flows better. Plus, if you leave it how it is now you need to put a comma between worldly and sinning – worldly, sinning girl.

-- L6/L7 – Want thee so desperately and to ask / for thy affection and thy heart so true? // This seems almost too extensive, I think that is what I said the first time around, I thought it too wordy, something about how it sounds is off, maybe too many t sounds.

-- L8 -- No one but thee can see behind my mask! // This is riding the fence of P.O. I can count the number of times I have seen this same sentiment on both hands for starters. But there is something I like about it.

-- L9 -- Thy true, noble mind grants me hope. Even so, // The syntax is off on this sentence, plus I think true is superfluous. Maybe try recasting some of the wording to make it flow better.

-- L10 -- The space 'tween us pains me in regions deep; // I ADORE this. It is so, so wonderful and loverly. I would quote it liberally if the chance came to.

-- L11 -- Without thee, my love, on I cannot go. // Something about the inversion throws the flow off, perhaps: On without thee, my love, I cannot go.

-- L12 -- Thou know'st not that thy silence makes me weep. // Possible recast: Thow know'st not that the silence makes me weep.

-- L13/L14 -- But in my dreams, and in one day to come, / May our hearts join together to be one. // Awww, how sweet. At one point, I'd call this campy. But I can't, cause it fits so perfectly, such the proper sentiment.

Hope this helps, dear.
Cal.

Only one criticism.

"Thy true, noble mind grants me hope. Even so,"

has eleven syllables .

Very enjoyable.

Okay, so. I am about to take a twelve gauge to this computer. I spent a very long, detailed time on critiquing this sonnet of yours, and poof. It all disappeared. Now I have to start all over again. So, after I calm down I'll start again, and eventually give it to you.



Cal.