Young Writers Society

This was really interesting. It kind of gives an idea that everyone feels. More than once someone could relate to this. There is always someone out there who likes someone else but that other person doesn't have the same feelings. So you kind hit the jackpot because everyone can relate to this one way or another. Anyways, great job! Love the poetry. Keep writing...and have fun.

FireBird99

I like this, I feel a little sorry for the girl you are talking too. Seems like she has a little crush on you. If this is or was a real life situation? It is good that you were there for her though even if she did get a little crazy about you. Lol. This sort of reminds me of something that would fit well in a real story. Maybe you should make a book out of this!

-AsianQueen17-

God Bless!

This is absolutely a fantastic idea for a piece. A lot of us have read the stories where the main character is bothered because the kid they like doesn't like them back, so it is super refreshing to have a piece where the speaker is annoyed that the other person can't understand they are just not interested in that way. So fantastic place to start from, first of all.

But I think that as it's written, it reads as a journal entry, nothing that really leaves the reader with anything meaningful because it's a one shot and done piece. We'd be interested in it as a blog entry because your life would progress and we'd get to see the progress of the relationship and if anything happened because of these thoughts, but presenting it as an isolated literary piece gives us nothing to grasp but the momentary idea that, "oh yeah, the other side is just as annoyed". I'd really like to see you try to tackle this in a short story. It would be nice to see these two characters interact, so we can notice the obsession for ourselves instead of having to take the speaker's word for it, which we don't really like to do. It would help us get a sense of these people as real people, too, not just ideas floating in our heads and not grounded in reality. Give them a setting, voices, and clothing and already they are coming alive.

I'd like to see this as a conversation, really. I'd like to see the reaction. I'd like you to stretch yourself to imagine it, if you can't already. I think a common theme is that people are taught if they want something bad enough that they deserve it and should get it, without realizing that when it comes to relationship, there's a person with their own desires on the other side and you can't like, override the humanity of the person you love 'cause you love them. It's a painful lesson to learn about love, but I'd be interested in watching someone learn it. I'd like to hear this speaker tell the other person that like, literally, you don't consider me enough of a human being to have my own desires and you can respect that?

Well, as I said. Awesome, interesting. Take it further and give it meat.
PM me if you have any questions, please.

Good luck and keep writing!

I think that this piece of writing is really good but to make it even better (amazing) you need to add more descriptive words. I hope this helps.

Overall, I think this piece has potential. It seems like an intriguing story, but it's held back right now by its vagueness. This could be improved by adding richer description and imagery. For example, when you said she went too far...what happened? Did she try to kiss the speaker? Get in the way when he was trying to pursue another girl? And what is this sadness she's trying to escape? It would be interesting to see this friendship developing and then turning into obsession, but I don't see it right now. Use specific images to draw the reader into the story. I'm reviewing this more as a poem, but I could see it in a prose form as well if you wanted to do that.

Overall, great story, but I'd love to see more specific images. Keep writing!