Exhaustion settles into her bones like an old friend. Dragging her feet through the snow covered path to the village and blurring the darkness between moonlight and drooping eyes. The prickling sensation of paranoia battles the fog in her mind, sharpening as she crosses into the Academy grounds, the village where her fellow students live together. She has only been gone a few hours but the nagging pull towards the village where she has lived since entering the acadmey a few years back had pried into her soul until each step leading back is like a weight off her shoulders. Despite the aching need for sleep, Ariana shelves the desire as she slips off the path and further into the forest. Deep in the woods she heads to a hollow tree to remove a bow and quiver of arrows she had made herself since she arrived that fall for the new school year.
Unfurling her magic from her core is as simple as breathing. With a soft breath out, she feels it twist through the air. With a breath in her will crystalizes into a shimmering privacy barrier that will keep her practice from disturbing the others. Dawn is still a few hours off, but Ariana shrugs off the thick cloak from her shoulders. The burning cold of the lingering mountain snow feels comforting against her pale skin as she shifts into position to face a makeshift target against the tree near her hiding spot.
The time passes with undisturbed peace. Only the sound of her quiet breathing and the thunk of arrows against the wood can be heard in her barrier. The limited space of her barrier prevents her senses from jumping at every winter dwelling creature that brushes against her senses like tiny flakes of snow in her mind and dripping with a fluttering chill. That man won't be able to sneak up on her with her power fully infusing with the winter around the village. She can't allow him to find out that she knew his sin.
Carefully pulling out the arrows from her practice, her fingers nearly snap a few as her mind drags forth the memory unbidden. His chilling revelation that she has been ferreting since finding the possibility among the scientists papers as she escaped that burning lab so many years back. The choking feeling of rage and fear. The helplessness in knowing that there are people out there willing to kill her for the mere hint of her possible bloodline. With a tired sigh, she closes off the cold dredge of fear that paralyzes her limbs.
Despite her wishes, she can't lie to herself. He has too much power. She knows her paranoia has only increased these past few months, but it crawls against her senses like a pressing fog. Two tyrants edging ever closer to ravaging their country, Aflyae, in the horrors of war. She can taste the iron of blood and war upon her tongue as the months pass. The increasing pressure as her fellow students fumble their way to her like moths to the flame, seeking shelter under her powerful aura in the fear tinging tension that fogs the village in a sea of grey only she can see. Their flickering lights of cheer and hopeful dreams like fireflies crumbling into ash as reality chokes even the new students, just past their first decade.
Just as the group of quivering auras press against her barrier, she draws the magic back in. The crimson shimmering barrier melts like ice as, unexpectantly, but also strangely expectant, a large group of the students fill the forest towards her direction. She sent the message out for an urgent meeting that has nothing to do with their school work earlier that month. They will be leaving the following fortnight for the summer and she can feel deep into her soul that war would be openly fought by fall amongst the two opposing sides. She had been hoping they will leave, but swallows the unease as she finds herself staring at the oldest student leading them, Damond.
He stops at the edge of the clearing. Tense shoulders shift as he carefully sets his staff in the middle of the space between them and backs away slowly. Her head swarms with cutting understanding of the peaceful gesture as one by one, all the growing number of her peers drop their own staffs or focus onto an evergrowing attempt to prove their neutrility. Shakily, Ariana takes a deep breath and firms her resolve. Despite her shaking fingers, she steps forward and watches as the fifty students stand firm despite her ability to attack all of them before they would reach their own weapons. Peace. She drops the bow and quiver, the daggers hidden under her skirts, the short sword hidden against her back, and finally, the Aspen wooden staff she has kept at her side since gaining it as a newly welcomed mage all join the pile in the center despite the anxiety that chokes her with fear.
Soft green eyes peer her way as she swallows tightly and steps away the same distance. Proper and respectful without a hint of her inner turmoil, she stands rigidly as she awaits their decision. She stares fiercely at him as he glances around with a hint of nervousness that makes her sick of dread. But as his magic gently fills the air, she relaxes when he openly speaks.
"No one can hear us?"
"The barrier is gone but I kept up the privacy wards." She allows the shimmering pale crimson runes to become visible and he inspects them carefully alongside many of the rune experts among the group before they all nod in acceptance.
The older students watch her warily but not with fear. She allows silence to fill the air between them as they show their hesitation. The youngest students in the back whisper among themselves, curious eyes lighting up with awe when her runes shimmer into visibility. Their excited chatter drowns out the silence. But she can see it for what it truly is. Covering up their anxiety and uncertainty of the day's hidden meeting with smiles and admiration that she reluctantly soaks up. The middle group of students smile gently alongside the younger students and shift protectively between all of the others, shielding them should a fight break out though she has no desire to spill any of her people's blood.
"War will be here." She solemnly informs because she didn't want them shirking from the reality of the situation that lie before them all.
She craves the power to defend them. To see them grow up and she knows with a heavy heart that not all of them would live to see their future however it ends. Their quiet and equally solemn acknowledgement weighs in the air between them all. The elder students shifting to glance over the younger ones whom reach to grasp sleeves of their siblings or friends but refuse to back away. She can't allow her pride to show on her face but it glows brightly in her soul and she takes another deep breath as Damond glances once more at a limited group of students.
Trust. It rolls off the twenty students that step forward towards her. It rolls the weight of the future off her shoulders as she restlessly feels her magic bubble along her fingers, poised for any action. Damond slips forward ahead of the rest but still remains firmly far from the staffs lining the clearing. Mint green eyes pierce her in place like a paralyzing snake as he drawls out with conviction.
"It's time." The words pack the air with a current of powerful magic.
Damond kneels on one knee before her. A warrior's salute to the Monarch. Ariana feels air seep from her lungs and her very being scream with fear and crushing devotion that shakes her soul. Before she or even any of the younger teens can pry in, the remaining nineteen noble heirs follow suit and her mind stills further. Things are changing and as a heartbeat passes with suspense, she flails helpless in their unity.
"We have been watching closely since you joined the Academy. Blessed with Magic's intent, we have carefully investigated your integrity and honor. We, the heirs of nobility have chosen for the light, the dark, and the greys to place our honor in your hands."
Magic drags gravity like a shroud. A choking hold on all of them as They eagerly press amongst all their souls. Clawing but not demanding. Showing but not forcing. This moment about to unravel everything the warring sides had desired by the wills of teens on the cusp of their adulthood. The vow that airs will ripple through their lives and Ariana refuses to turn away from the will of the ones that kneel to her with absolute trust that she would not draw their lives from their bodies. Trust and honor, she chokes as their vow pierces into reality.
"Magic had ignited this desire, but we claimed it. As the last of Ivorcraft, we beseech you, Ariana Ivorcraft-Ravenswood, take up your right as Queen. We cast aside our traitorous blood to be your eyes and shields. So we, the Court's Heirships, will it, so mote it be." The chorus from the entire group of the sacred noble families leaves the other students stunned and pale.
Frozen, Ariana wrenches her eyes to take in the entire group. Not a single gaze wavers from her and she takes a shuddering breath. They would never be safe now until she secured her throne and cast aside all that opposed the Monarchy. They have chosen to box her in and prevent her from leaving them behind. So clever and so very bravely reckless her Court. For there is no way she could turn them away now. Not after this fiery shine to their auras that bursts across her senses like a blanket of determined hope and fierce devotion.
With a shaky hand, Ariana carefully sharpens her nail with magic. With a precise cut against her wrist, she allows her magic to fill the air as her blood splashes against the snow blanketed ground as her promise rings through the air, "I, Ariana Ivorcraft, shed my personal desires. So you have requested, so mote it be. I shall take up the honor of Ivorcraft with pride. To Protect All Under My Banner is our motto. Should I dishonor this pledge, may my death be sealed."
The magic that claws at her soul makes her wobble on her feet. The shackles of the Ravenswood motto of "Trust Only Among Family" wither under the pledge of Ivorcraft and for the first time in her life, Ariana can feel the ability to be open among those not among her family without fear of tearing her own magic from her blood with dishonor. Damond carefully eases her to sit against one of the evergreens as the nobles all carefully encircle her as magic thrums in the air.
"I'll be alright." She manages to wave off their anxious as her magic settles briefly.
"Can we do something to help?" A young heiress pipes hopefully with amber eyes a shade lighter then her own that leaves Ariana unable to resist.
"Can you pull the stationary and pen from my cloak?" She manages to request with a shaky smile as the eager teen darts off to the cloak that she discarded what feels like ages ago.
"We need to get everyone out." She grits her teeth at the realization that their vow would leave their entire families as traitors to her rule, willing to spill the blood of their own kin to tear the monarchy from existence.
"We have a few weeks to make concrete plans." Damond soothes and Ariana blinks hazily at the confidence and reassurance that oozes in his very aura.
"Here." The teen places the elegant stationary in her hands with reverence. All the students recognize the specific paper as she had made it specially for her correspondence over the entire time she had been in school.
She allows them to talk over her for now. Mind buzzing with anxiety and endless burdens they had heaped willingly to her shoulders, Ariana inks a careful letter to her closest confident, Reiga. To become stronger she would need to become a Magister. She suspected from his previous letters that he too had the same ambition. Folding the letter once the ink dries, she straightens her shoulders. As she promises to gain the power to protect them, she prays that she can bring honor back to their country.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hey! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your piece in the green room and decided to bump it out!
I really enjoyed this piece! I think you've got a great story here, and you tell it in a masterful way.
One thing I really enjoyed about this piece was your imagery. It was very detailed and I found myself clearly picturing everything happening. You've displayed mastery of the language and use words to create detailed pictures. That being said, I find myself agreeing with the other review. It sometimes is a little... too much. The dangers of including incredibly detailed imagery with lots of words is that sometimes, your plot points get lost in huge paragraphs full of fluff. It's fine to toss in one or two in a longer piece, but all your paragraphs are suuper long and full of unnecessary imagery that makes it harder for the reader to read. You've got a really promising story, I just think it could be presented in a more engaging way.
I also wondered about this and where it would fall in your story. You labeled it as a first chapter, but I found myself getting lost a lot. If it is at the beginning of your story, it seems like the first chapter of a sequel or a prologue before you segue into the actual story. Your exposition is weak, and I find myself struggling trying to piece together the plot and characters. All the crucial details are lost in your gargantuan paragraphs. It almost seems like it would be better served as a rising action/climax scene, or at least one where the readers have already gotten knowledge about the characters/universe.
Some tips about improving the pacing and overall making it more engaging: review what you really need. Readers don't need extensive descriptions of every little thing in the scene. I'd also suggest breaking up your long paragraphs into smaller ones and reiterating important plot points so readers will be sure not to miss them. Add in some more dialogue. Entire stories have been told from just dialogue, and I think your story could benefit with some more. It's a foolproof way to heighten the pacing and spacing of your story.
Specifics
You've got some inconsistent capitalization with the Academy/academy. Pick one and stick with it.
Stationary is actually spelled stationery.
Overall: I think you've got a really promising piece, but some of the luster is lost in all the words you've put on the page. Don't let this review discourage you, though, because honing your writing is something many people have a hard time with. KEEP WRITING!!
Hello Soulkana,
I'm going to offer some honest feedback / advice.
Jumping into my overall thoughts, I think that this piece was quite a slow, challenging read. By the end I was left confused by a majority of the content, and I think that is due to a mixture of several issues.
1) The language is confusing and on the verge of purple prose. Often the meaning of what you're trying to say is lost behind vague, subjective descriptions. I had to stop after most sentences and think about what you wanted me as a reader to understand.
This sentence showcases exactly what I mean. It was clear up until "every winter dwelling creature" and this is probably where the sentence should've ended, because as we go on we verge into vague, unnecessary language. I struggled to grasp what was meant by tiny flakes of snow brushing against someone's senses. And then we get to those flakes "dripping with a fluttering chill" and I'm entirely lost. The general message I think you wanted to convey here is that Ariana muted her senses so she could concentrate on her practice, which isn't something you need to work so hard to convey. I know we hear the advice "show don't tell" touted all the time, but sometimes it really is better to just state something outright and be done with it for the sake of scene progression. Sentences need to be clear more than they need to be pretty.
2) The next issue, something that exasperates the confusing language, is that your sentences are often way too busy / working too hard.
Take these two sentences for example. There is so much going on. Too much to keep track of. And I'm not suggesting to split this up into separate sentences (while that would definitely help), moreover, you should consider what even deserves to be included in this paragraph in the first place. In terms of setting up this scene, all we really need to know is that Ariana has created some kind of aura/shelter, and that students are gathering inside it to hear her warning. That's it. After that, we can get down to business with dialogue and the conflict of this story, and everything else like backstory and the intricacies of who/what/when/where/why can be inferred through the dramatization of the scene rather than heavy-handed narration (so through dialogue & action, things that are actually happening in the story).
3) The pacing. It started slow and made me struggle to immerse within the scene. You should experiment with varying both your paragraph and sentence length so that you can build a more interesting, musical rhythm. You mostly used long paragraphs and long sentences, which is very off-putting and an immediate deterrent for potential readers. By the 4th or 5th paragraph I was growing restless waiting for the actual scene to happen.
Oppositely, in the second half of this chapter the pacing sped up to the point where I felt as though a rug had been pulled out from under me. For example, something I wish I understood better was the relationship Ariana has with these students and just the general point of this scene. Because you mentioned that Ariana planned this meeting and that the students were seeking shelter in her aura, but when they arrived, some of them acted tense/cautious to be around her & there was even mention of a fight potentially breaking out. Then the dialogue moved very quickly into her declaration of war and some kind of plea for her to become queen. It was a struggle to understand what each party actually wanted.
---
Have a good think about what you want this chapter to do, what you want to set up now and what can wait until later. You mention things like an academy, a mysterious man who might be trying to sneak up on Ariana, a lab she escaped from years ago, two tyrants wanting control of the country -- yet none of these things actually featured within the chapter.
I recommend setting up the forest scene & Ariana creating a privacy aura, and then the students finding their way into it. Focus on her relationship with the students so we have the context of why they're gathering. And then let the conflict of the story shine through within dialogue -- that there is a war brewing and a queen needs to rise up to end it. I think if you focus on just this and postpone everything else for now then you will have a more succinct, smoother read that is easier to follow.
I also think that worrying less about all the information you want the reader to know will free up space for character development and the chance for you to endear readers to your protagonist. In the opening chapter you want readers to immediately pick up on why it's worth their time to follow your protagonist's journey. So a good sense of the character's voice, their goal & motivation and why their world view will be interesting to read about will create a nice hook and go a long way in immersing them within the story. Even in third person we should feel psychically close to the protagonist and their headspace.
Despite all of this, I think there's signs of an interesting, complex story here. I like that you value building atmosphere, and I get the clear sense that you have a lot of chess pieces you want to set up, and that once you do, an intricate conflict will take place.
-Zoom