Drackel Chapter One: Rewritten

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Chapter One


 

 

 

Dawn had just begun when I pulled Adero quietly away from the park, glancing back to see Kaida, our savior and older sister, still in the throws of one of her terrifying dreams. A sickly pallor covered her usually bright heart shaped face. Ebony strands stuck to her face dampened by a cold sweat. Deep in my heart I longed to pull her close and chase away the painful memories that haunted her every day and the distress it caused her. Yet I knew, the best way to bring the beautiful smile Adero and I had come to hold onto back and so we headed towards the local bakery.
 

Adero's slim fingers clutched tightly onto my ripped sleeve as we passed several of the citizens hold their cell phones, talking loudly. Her red eyes warily watched each person we crossed paths with, hiding behind my back when they came too close to us.
 

Despite the early hours, the city was bustling and flowing with people. Houses of brick lined the barrier from the city into the ruined north district which had not been rebuilt after the fire Kaida had told us of when we first arrived at the park. On the streets three years, Kaida had found me on a snowy night with no memory besides a melody that til this day still eased whatever fears I held. Suspicious I had been when she welcomed me with open arms so quickly, but one look into her silver eyes and I felt my heart go out to her for the terrible longing for a friend to ease the loneliness she held. A year ago, a young werewolf entered our park. Adero was hesitant and fiery. She infuriated me. However, Kaida was patient, motherly and in two weeks Adero was welcomed completely into the small pack we had created. We made the park our home and no one dared to enter once they realized it was claimed.
 

“Yukie, will we ever find our families?” Adero whispered, no longer afraid to speak for we had escaped the crowds to the secluded bakery.
 

I frowned at the tears building in her normally cheerful eyes and knelt down beside her. Grasping her shoulders, I murmured firmly, “No matter what, you'll always have a family in Kaida and I.”
 

She nods. Still the doubt lingered in us both. Smiling in an attempt to hide my unease, I hurriedly opened the door, wincing as the loud bell's chime hurt both our sensitive hearing. The sight of Andran, the bakery owner, wiping down the glass counters greeted us while we shuffled inside away from the frigid morning air. The weight of the coins I had spent three months to save up filled me with excitement as I browsed the displays in search of the one I wanted for Kaida.
 

“Andran, can you make this with pumpkin batter and cream cheese frosting?” I pointed with a skinny hand towards a large cupcake that would easily take both of us to carry but to me it was a small price to pay to see Kaida happy.
 

Andran took a look at the cake in question and smirked teasingly, “I'll make it even better and add candy corn, gummy bats and cats that Kaida can't resist.”
 

Laughter bubbled up in my chest as I remembered the tale and decided to ask Kaida to tell Adero the story later. “How much, Andran?” I ask softly, trying to avoid looking at him as he began to mix the batter.
 

“Only five golden coins.” Was the absent minded answer and carefully I withdrew the required coins to set them down on the glass counter.
 

Meanwhile, I watched Adero survey the large selection of candles. Back pressed against the wall, I briefly closed my eyes to slowly ease the tension that constantly found its way into my muscles whenever I was away from Kaida. I knew that if she woke up and found us gone, she would fall into a panic and come tearing apart the town in order to find us.
 

The small hand tugged at my arm, pulling me out of my thoughts. I found a candle being handed to me with a beaming smile from the eleven year old. The candle amazed me by the large silver and light blue dragon guarding a nest of chicks. It was the perfect representation of Kaida. Strong willed and protective as a nesting mother dragon. A smile broke across my face as I added two silver coins to the gold ones, glad the candle wouldn't melt so Kaida would be able to hold onto it.
 

“Here you go, Yukie.” Andran pushed a box across the counter and took the coins. “Wish Kaida a happy twelfth birthday for me, will you?” His brown eyes sparkling as Adero and I took the box.
 

“I will, thank you, Andran.” I call over my shoulder as I lead Adero towards the small bookstore just down the block in the direction of the park.
 

“For her journals.” I explained when she glanced up at me, questioningly.
 

“The usual, Yukie?” Myra asked when she spotted us entering. A small smile spread across her face when she saw the cupcake.
 

Nodding, I watched as she pulled out three journals. It had become a tradition for me to get Kaida these journals each year. One was a dark red with an odd symbol on the front, but Kaida had just smiled when I asked what it was. The other two were a plain silver and light blue in which she could be found writing in for hours late into the night.
 

Handing over the six gold coins, I tucked the journals into my backpack before waving goodbye to Myra. Taking hold of the cake, we exited the shop and made our way back. Each step made my unease grow and with a sigh I prayed Kaida was still there.
 

“Stay the hell away from me!” Kaida's voice echoed in the morning air, full of fury and fear.
 

“Surely you would want to get out of the streets, my dear.” An elderly man's voice responded, sounding far to kind.
 

I watched with a scowl at the man who held onto Kaida's arm tightly. She was struggling to break free, silver eyes flashing with rage. Suddenly, a wave of magic slammed into me, crawling on my skin. Shivering at the wonderful feeling, I couldn't look away as Kaida waved her hand in a delicate pattern in the air. Her magic glowed red when she finished and suddenly the man was thrown back into the dense forest. But the glimpse of his black eyes made me instantly dislike him. The manipulation was portrayed clearly.
 

I approached Kaida, setting the cake on the bench, before pulling her tightly in my arms. Desperately, I wanted to ask how she knew of him, but from the rage simmering in her eyes and the guilt eating at her, I couldn't find my voice. So I pulled her over to the bench in order to distract her. When she spotted the cake her face lit up so brightly both Adero and I found ourselves grinning at her.
 

Together we split the cake into ninths. Andran must've packed the silverware when neither of us were looking. We ate in relative silence, each lost in our own thoughts. Sighing, Kaida put the plate down on the bench and said, “He was the man my former family were going to enslave me too.”
 

I winced, her magic had turned into a raging storm. “Well, we'll just have to go to the bank. After all, if there's any way for us to find our families and a school, it's there.”
 

She nods before smiling at the journals. We packed the cake and journals in her backpack while Adero ran off to swing. Kaida stretched out on the bench, resting her head in my lap muttering, “Things are going to change, Yukie. I'm not sure if I can handle it.”
 

“Hey. We'll be fine!” I rebuked lightly, stroking her hair as she watched Adero for a minute.
 

“I don't want her to lose that innocence.” She whispered sadly, eyes falling shut as she drifted back to sleep.
 

“I won't let anything happen to either of you.” I vowed, fiercely, determined to stand by her side through whatever would happen when we visited the bank the following day.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
mystogan
Review

Now i like this a lot more, there is so much more details even though everything is still in the dark. this is something worth reading because it makes me ask so much questions at a healthy amount. I like how you have subtley put in details here and there which have yet to be expanded on. Plus everything is so much easier to picture with the descriptions.
Also this story has some very original conventions in it as far as i can see with the odd trio in a modern city as it seems (what with the phones and all) but then there is the slavery. Also there are many ways in which this story can go which makes it all exciting. I think at three different points i was guessing at how the story was going to turn out and then i realised you have yet to acutally let me know exactly which way you are taking it.
Just some pointers, with your writing you should put lines inbetween each paragraph because it makes reading easier. Also you can write more, in my novel i write wayyyy more for each. Although in this chapter you don't need to write any more because i think its important to also be concise and in this case everything is just about right.
I have to say i like the main characters a lot, they all seem genuinely nice because of their harsh pasts which is still a mystery but at the same time i can't help feeling sorry for them. They seem so weak and helpless even the magic doesn't seem to make them appear strong for me. Not good. I hope nothing too awful happens. I don't know what kind of writer you are yet, i hope you are not one of those who starts killing people off, although that can be interesting too.
I have to also compliment you on delivering the personalities of the other characters like the shop owners even though you don't describe them much. I can see by their actions and the way they are mentioned that they are nice people and i can also easily deter the relationship between charcters easily. Overall this is a massive improvement. Before yuor writing had no spark now its bursting with it, enough to keep an interested reader hooked.
When you write the next chapter post in on my wall

User avatar
mystogan
Review

I think this is an alright start but it lacks overall information. I am not saying there needs to be a definite amount but there should be just enough so that the reader can gleen some details. with this chapter i can't make out what time or era the story takes place in, its hard to imagine any of them or their age as a matter of fact anf i can't quite imagine most the areas. Also at the end how does the girl make a sand castle in a park?

I think this chapter needs a kick, something to get the reader hooked. Right now this is just a normal chapter. No tension, no suspense, no thriller. Plus i am not at all vaguely aware of what the story is going to be about. I am slightly aware of the birthday girl being queer but you should have expanded on her a little bit.

Anyhow can you notify me on my wall when you write the next chapter, post the link so i can click onto it immediately,

Well, I had enough trouble writing just this as it was. I'm planning to get my plot outlined in some shape before I go back. Writing this took forever...having problems with it.



“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly