Chapter One
"My Lord, we need more towels." A frantic midwife orders as she turns her attention back to the mother whose face is pale as a sheet. The young nurse continues to encourage the second time mother and barely registers the closing of the door.
The room is small just big enough for five people to walk in and around comfortably. Blood soaked towels litter the floor as a haunting proof of the difficulty this second birth was giving the mother. A fire in the fireplace keeps the chilling wind of winter from reaching the pair as they attempt to deliver the new born.
The mother cries out weakly in pain as she pushes. Tired, puffy brown eyes stare down at the midwife pleading for this to be over. Gasping heavily for air she continues hoping her husband would return soon.
Meanwhile outside the father rushes through the hallways ordering the servants to close the windows. The cold air would not do for his wife's already slipping condition. Deep inside a voice whispers that the month since the discovery have weakened her. With a dismissal of such depressing conclusions he quickly finds some more towels while hissing to a young maid, "Be sure to have extras in a few minutes."
The young maid nods fearfully at him, "Right away, My Lord. Is the Lady alright?"
The worry in the young woman's face echoes his own internal concern but he nods grimly at her. "My wife shall be fine. The child, too."
With that said he picks up his pace and rushes back to the direction he had come. Praying that his wife is still alive when he reached it. As he reaches the hallway he is happy to feel only warm coming within. Arms laden with towels, he opens the door at the end of the hall quickly just in time to hear the midwife announce, "It's a beautiful healthy girl."
"A girl?" The father manages to ask through his shock. His once laden down arms are now empty. The towels now lie forgotten on the floor.
The midwife turns and smiles encouraging at the father, "Yes. A beauty at that. Don't worry, My Lord, your first daughter is perfectly healthy."
'It can't be a girl. If she lives she'll destroy us. Surely Nastusia knows that!' The father frantically thinks as he stiffens at the sight of the beautiful newborn cradled in his wife's arms.
The father stares icily at the woman, "May I talk to my wife for a moment. Alone."
With an uneasy glance at the wailing newborn and the pale mother, she nods slowly, "Please don't take long, my lord. She mustn't be moved. In her condition she will die from the blood loss if she strains herself too much. Please don't upset her, my lord."
As she heads to the door she turns back and questions, "Shall I get Mamoru? To see the child?" The thought of the older brother being left out of this moment seemed cruel to her.
The father sighs and nods. The nurse nods calls for the brother who as if he had been waiting rushes in with excitement. Looking around to spot his mother he asks curiously, "Do I have a younger brother?"
The mother chuckles lightly only to fall into a coughing fit. The sheer intensity of the coughs cause the young baby to wake. Wailing at the sudden disturbance the young girl is quickly comforted by the young mother.
Finally able to speak again she whispers, "No, Mamoru you have a younger sister."
The brother rushes forward to see. Leaning over he gently touches one of her fingers asking, "Did you name her, mom?"
"Yes. I have named her Evelyn." The mother smiles down at the young boy. She glances over at the midwife who is watching her intently.
The father waits; glaring intently at the nurse to exit. As the door to close softly behind her he firmly reminds his wife, "We can't keep her, Nastusia."
There is no feeling of love towards this child in his voice. Mamoru who is leaning over the bed to peer at his new sister looks up at his father, startled by his tone. He instinctively moves closer to his mother while watching his father warily.
The mother now breathing irregularly struggles to look up from the baby girl to her husband. She pales at his words as her heart begins to pound in fear. Tears fall down her face as she begs, "Please, Dakota. Not Evelyn!"
Her tearful pleas only enrage the man as he growls, "We already discussed this. A girl is too big of a risk to let live! I won't allow our clan to be destroyed by a mere girl." His dark eyes pierce his wife's frightened look as she weakly tries to sit up only for him to shout, "Do not sit when you don't even have the strength to talk."
The mother's eyes hardened as she growls out furiously, "I won't allow you to kill our daughter. She does not deserve such a fate. When I need strength to protect my children nothing can stop me."
The brother tenses in shock. What were they saying? He can't be talking of getting rid of his sister. Worried that they were talking of what he was thinking they were, he says boldly, "I won't let you take her. You'll have to get through me first."
With his declaration he stands up in front of the hospital bed. Body tense and a look of fierce protectiveness he glares defiantly up at his father. Even as his father stalks up to him in anger he remains still refusing to give up. The dark brown eyes of his mother's stares down his own father in attempt to prevent the man from fulfilling his plan.
Just as the father moves to knock him aside, Nastusia rasps out weakly while staggering out of the bed. "No, Dakota! Leave, Mamoru alone. Please."
Dakota glares angrily at his wife hissing, "You know we can't keep her. Why do you insist on protecting this...this thing of evil!"
The mother's face darkens in both rage and distress. A large puddle of blood begins to form from underneath her as she walks with trembling legs towards her husband. The infant held precariously in her arms, which barely hold the strength to keep Evelyn up. Blood trickling down her mouth, she finally whispers, "I won't allow you to kill her. Not an innocent child. Not like the others of your clan have done. I want my daughter, Evelyn, to have a happy life. No one will stand in the way of my wish...even you, husband."
Roaring in rage Dakota runs past Mamoru towards his wife and daughter. Just as he reaches to grab the baby the mother silently says as she gasps in the fear of dying for air, "My Lady, I beseech for your protection. Please, please protect my child from her clan. I don't want her to end up like the other baby girls."
As the father touches the child a bright white swirl etches into her forearm. The seal of protection. The mother manages to smile in relief as the midwife rushes in. She glares at the father and mother before moving to catch the young mother as she leans over coughing up blood.
"My Lady, please hold still." The woman orders as she presses the towel against the bleeding area in desperation to save the young woman. "Mamoru, please take the baby. You need to support her head."
The brother stares in fear at the blood but swallows it in order to move forward. Just as he leans to take his sister his mother gives him a firm look while mouthing for him not to.
The young girl opens her eyes and Nastusia smiles warmly at the child. The bright amethyst eyes and star shaped pupil takes her already fading breath away. "I love you, my beautiful daughter."
With a soft sigh the mother slides to the floor. Eyes shut tightly she whispers feebly, "Mamoru please protect your sister."
With her last breath the mother dies with the young girl held in her grasp. Blood soaks through the towels and onto the midwife's hands. Tears fill the brother's eyes as he whispers, "Why?"
The midwife glares at the father, "What did you do?! She wasn't suppose to get up. Whatever you did, you'll regret it."
With a growl she calls for the servants to take the father out while gently removing the sleeping baby from the dead mother's arm with tear filled eyes.
Kneeling down beside the saddened brother she whispers gently, "It's not your fault, Mamoru."
The boy shakes his head before muttering fiercely, "From now on I shall live to protect my sister and others. No longer shall I allow the clan to become so hungry for power."
The midwife sighs sadly as she gently covers the mother's face with a white cloth and the two stand in silence. The young girl cradled carefully in her brother's arms.
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Canary word: Present
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Wow. Powerful piece. Really liked the depth and mystery to the story. It truly shows that nothing will stop a mother from protecting her children. Look forward to how the story progresses
wow, i like this. but you're gonna have to watch it to make sure you don't lead off to another direction
Haha thanks Adriana! I know that that needs some serious fixing but I will save that for when it's done ^^. But rest assured that I will fix it when I am able. Good lucks <3
I so love it!!!
Well, I won't comment the grammar because I'm not an expert on that, as you know...
I really wanted to know more about the mother. I mean, how did she look like.
I totally get it that she tries to save her daughter, even if she is aware of the tradition, if you can call it that. That sounds like something a mother would do without thinking twice.
I like the description of the place, that thing with the towels on the floor and everything, but I really wanted to know more about the characthers. To emphatize with them, or hate them...
I understand it is not ready. You will rewrite it, you said...
I know you will do it well, so... Good Luck
You have a fantastic story in your hands!!
Hey, Soulkana! Here as promised.

So I definitely think this is an improvement from what I first read in your prologue. I like where it's going, and it's certainly got my interest as to what the heck's going on. There were a few things I was a bit unsure about, so I think I'll go ahead and say them. Feel free to do with the opinions as you wish!
The one thing I'm honestly not sure about but still a bit concerned about is the childbirth. I'm not sure how the mother died, specifically. She was coughing up blood, but why? I don't really recall that ever being an issue. If she had problems with the birth, then I don't think the mother would be as alert as she was to carry conversation.
My other concern was the midwife. Mostly at the end. She didn't seem freaked out enough? If the mom wasn't allowed out of bed, why didn't she mention it to the dad? And I'm not sure the midwife would be chewing out the dad as much as she would be panicking over the mom and/or baby.
Thirdly, why was the brother in there but not the husband? That seems odd. I guess I'm used to the fact that family is kept outside of the room during the birthing process, so it was odd seeing the brother was in there and not the dad. If family was going to be in the room, the dad would be. Probably not a young boy though. The scene gets a bit grotesque.
Aaand I think that's it. The characters seemed a bit flat overall, so that may play into some of my confusion as to how they acted. Try fleshing it out a bit to explain the situation some more, or at least hint at it. Right now, it's kind just woahwhathappened?
Awesome coolio though! Certainly keep writing! I can't wait to see where you take this.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I thought it was definitely an amazing script. I want to read more and more. Though there are very few grammar mess-ups, I can't find much fault with it. Great job Soulkana.
Ok Tanya <3 Thanks for the review first. I want to point out: One: Reviewers will always be listened to. That's why I posted it so you guys could help me in the process of fixing this rough draft. It will help knowing what you guys want to see or need to be fixed in your opinions. I am always willing to answer. Second: I should explain the girl thing. It doesn't matter that there is a son. By first girl I mean the first girl born. So lets say there was a girl being born and its the first girl the mother has given birth to. That one will be killed but if she gets pregnant with a second girl that one will be spared because the curse is only in the first baby girls. It doesn't matter that they had a boy first. And about the Goddess taking interest is explained later. I hope this helps. Right now I am working extensively on trying to get a plot line of events scribbled down so I can at least have a focus. Hope this helps.
Hey there Soulkana,
I'm Tanya, here for a review!
This might seem a bit harsh, but I'm going to try to be as truthful and helpful as possible.
I have to ask: Why post this at all if you know what's wrong with it and it's just that rough? I mean, I do see why you'd bother, if when we give you our thoughts, you just say 'I know, it needs work', instead of 'thanks, that's one of the things that were bothering me."
This was nicely done, I think. You get the sense of urgency of a child's birth, and the father rushing.
First off, either change the word 'stutter', or cut out 'in horror'. We already get the idea he's horrified or deeply disturbed if he drops the towels and stutters. Also, cut out the extra exclamation points: it's amateurish and uneeded. One's enough.
This really confused me. What is a 'first girl'? I thought you meant first child, but they already have a son. So what's a first girl? The first to be born after the boy? How does that work? They kill her, and the next one they have is allowed to live?
Also, how have they not spoken of this before? As per your blurb on your story page, Evelyn will be the only girl to survive. So, the brother (Who's 10!) is well aware that girls aren't kept. So is the mother. Why are they reacting like this? Have the father reach for the wife, trying to comfort her. Say that they'd spoken of it, and she knows they can't keep her. Or something. But she's had nine months to carry this baby. They must have spoken of the possibility of it being a girl.
Again, deeply confused. In the Version Two that I read, the Goddess is clearly mad against the warrior. Why suddenly grant a reprieve of this baby? Because the mother asked? Why would she care? Why suddenly now? Surely over time other mothers have asked for similar reprieves?
I know you know you need to work on description. But still, I'm going to comment.
The mother. Dead? Geez. Sudden, much? You mention just once that she is dying, but nothing before or after. She just gave birth, but she suddenly stands and confronts the room? No mention of her labour being difficult? Of her bleeding all over the place? Of her legs giving out? Her head spinning?
And why, in the world, would she hold on to her baby when she knows she's going to collapse? Why not hand her to her son before dropping?
How is it that he goes into a frenzy at seeing the children this way, but doesn't consider for a second the damage he's caused them by demanding what he did of the Goddess?
Also, why does the Goddess punish the women in his family when it's the man who made such a desperate demand?
I think this has much potential. I also think you need to work on your plot before posting anymore. It's ok to not be sure, and to change it a gazillion times. It's not so ok so tell your reviewers you already know the problems and don't seem willing to listen to what they say.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Tanya
It was meant to be very very off on what I wanted. I did rush because my idea was slipping through my fingers and I need to write what I could. This is just needed so I can get my plot or whatever it is to move. Then when I know what I want to happen I can go back and fix what's wrong haha. I do need to fix it. I know I need to describe. I will. Once I know I can describe without giving too much away. Just give it time haha.
I was looking at your novel page so I could get a better understanding of what this is going to be about. I understand you to be wiccan. Is the goddess in your story the same figure revered in wicca? Just curious. : )
Do you mean “appointed” or “anointed”.As for the beginning of your novel, I would like to say it's intriguing. However, I'm very confused on some aspects of it.
I think you jump into the problem way too quickly before setting a foundation for the conflict and characters. I feel you rush into it. I need some suspense!
Secondly, I don’t know anything about any of these characters. I can’t relate with them, I can’t sympathize, I can’t hate, discriminate, love, admire… I can’t do anything with your characters. They’re just bones. Give them some flesh! Bring some real, raw emotion into this so I can really get into the character’s heads.
Also, I want description! What does the mother look like? What does the baby look like? What season is it? What is the weather like? What time of day or night is it? What does the room look like? I need some description, some imagery.
Now, also, I love the name Evelyn, but what’s with the name Nastusia. Make the names relate somehow. It will make the names easier to remember.
Nitpicks:
You only need one exclamation point. Discard the multiples.
Do you mean “threateningly”?
You can’t “possibly”...
This is a bit repetitive. Re-word.
“triumph”
I think that’s most of my nitpicks. I don’t really have time for others.
I understand that this is a rough draft. I can’t wait for the revision. I’m very interested in seeing what you can do with this story. Overall, all you need is some touching up. Your overall plot/writing is very nice. Keep it up! I’ll be watching out for more!
--H