Dark Innocence(Edited)

by Soulkana

Published February 1, 2012

In Dark Innocence

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(I am hoping to get some help on this...I'm in a stage where writing just doesn't come out right so I could use the help in making this better. Good luck my friends! ^^)

Chapter 1

I stiffen and halt in my trek towards my destination when the first wave of extremely powerful, dark magic sweeps across the land. I silence the queries from my attendants with a dark glare. Another step and the second wave hit fast, sending chills up my spine. Flesh tingling with the sheer intoxicating onslaught of power I realize with a slight scowl just where it was from...my old acquaintances. A dark smile slips past my facade. Yes the child of this power would be a great use to me. Still revealing nothing to my subordinates I resume my walk with a faint magical air of pleasure as more waves crash amongst my skin.

As we move closer I probe at the magic wave with my own and an overwhelming amount of images flash in my mind. I quickly pull my magic back, barely concealing the shock from my face as we near the small town of Lanore. Still one image lay imprinted in my memory and I sigh softly in indecision. I wanted to find the child this magic came from yet somehow I also didn't want to get close, fearing somewhat foolishly what my magic would react to such powerful presence.

"Master?" One of the three subordinates whispers, his eyes peering at me in fear. Despite my considerations a small sliver of satisfaction lights my heart at his terror. Yes, they had to fear me.

"What is it?" I hiss, while turning a left towards a rather large manor. Even after five years it looks exactly as it did then and I growl at that. Surely they weren't so stupid as to believe I would forget the deal they made.

"Why are we here?" The timid question grates my nerves as I spin around, magic lashing out violently in my rage.

"You dare to question where I go, Nior?" I ask softly, my voice frigid while the man pales drastically and attempts to stutter out a worthless apology.

"Forgive me, Master. I was merely curious." He simpers and with another wave of magic, almost faint, hits my skin.

The effect came immediately. I spin around and face the house with eyes burning with uncontrollable desire to take the child. Now I could feel what was wrong, why its magic was rolling in waves. The pain the magic projects so roughly nearly stops my heart.

Not bothering to glance back at Nior and the others I quicken my pace to the manor, intent on the child and my payment. A quick rap on the door and I hear a rustle down below the ground pause before a familiar voice shouts, "Just a minute!"

I tap my foot impatiently as minutes trickle on by. Just as I start contemplating ripping the door off its hinges the door opens to reveal Ashzen, whose eyes widen with both fear and recognition. A sadistic grin plasters my face as I taunt him gleefully, "Why, hello, Ashzen. So kind of you to greet us so wonderfully."

Ashzen narrows his eyes at me but quickly step sides to allow me entrance to his home. Promptly sitting upon the elegant couch I notice with a slight frown that to my enhanced hearing there came almost inaudible sniffles from a room close by...the kitchen perhaps. Dimly I knew it was merely two doors down the hall on the left.

"Why are you here?" Ashzen demands angrily as he unceremoniously plops down in the chair, his blue eyes hardening to ice as he glowers at me.

Before I can retort, a girl enters with a tray of tea and cookies. She crosses the room to set them on the table. I watch her as she fearfully gazes at the man before shrinking back rasping out fearfully, "Is there anything else you want?"

At once I notice her silver eyes, the eyes from the memories I had witnessed before arriving. Not believing it I probe the air around the child and quickly drew back when the magic pulsed just like before. Her fearful eyes turn to me just when Ashzen abruptly stands to tower over the tiny child.

"You forgot something you stupid girl!" Ashzen roars, scaring the girl senseless as she backs away.

"I'm sorry, sir. I won't do it again." She whimpers and for the first time I notice just what was underneath the younger man's sleeve.

I narrow my eyes at the deadened hand almost in disgust. I knew where it came from. The child's rampant magic from a few hours ago must've done it, but why? I watch the child limp from the room, shoulders slump, back hunched, and fear swirling in the air around her, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Ashzen, who is that child?" I demand harshly, glaring down the man who stood just seconds from harming the already injured child.

"She's nothing but a waste." The man sneers while sitting back down.

"Who. Is. She?!" I finally spat, patience gone while my magic rises up as the man's obvious attempt to detour the subject infuriates me.

He shifts and hesitantly speaks up, "She's my daughter. She is of no worth to me."

Heart stopping I spin around and exit the room towards the kitchen. I had to find that child. The way that man spoke of her brought back memories of my own life. If my assumptions are right then she truly needed a way out of here. Listening carefully I could hear the faint sounds of pots clanging and water running.

Softly knocking on the door to alert my presence I walk in to see the girl hunched over the sink. Standing, precariously, on top a stool I could see her hands swollen and faint traces of blood as she scrubs the soap filled water onto the dirty dishes with such strength I felt a surge of anger. How could this man do this to his family? His own daughter, the heir?! It went against everything my people grew up believing and yet he tossed her aside so cruelly.

"Sir, is there something you need?" She glances over at me and I spot an odd yet beautiful scar on her left cheek. It swirls out like a tree to cover the left side of her face and down her neck.

"No, only a few question I wish to have answered." I explain keeping my tone neutral.

She glances fearfully at the door before stepping down from the stool. "Yes, sir. I'll answer what I can."

I felt proud of her intelligence, even though the circumstances in which she had to grow makes my blood boil. But I cross my arms slightly and lean against the wall before asking my first question, "Do you like it here, child?"

Eyes widen as she eyes the door now backing away in overwhelming fear. I wince slightly at the magic that slams against my own in attempt to remove the threat I had unknowingly brought up.

"I swear, child, I will not tell your disgusting excuse for a father what you say in here to me." I soothe her fear carefully, watching with an mental smile as she relaxes. Yes, she was very much like me at her age.

"I don't like it. He he did something to Mommy and now she's mean to me but she used to be nice. She don't look the same." She tears up at the confession causing my inner half to growl in hate. This sealed it. The girl wasn't staying her, but as for her mother. I could do something about that.

"Do you want to come with me?" I ask before I could stop myself. But her reaction makes my self anger to evaporate.

"You'd really do that, sir? Even-" She trails off her bright eyes dimming fast as if she was telling herself not to believe me.

"Of course I would, I don't offer things if I didn't want them." I reply a tad coldly and the girl glances at me warily.

"Even if I'm not...human?" The frightened whisper was just almost too low for me to hear.

I glance at the child. She looks human but scrutinizing the area around her I could see something hiding her. She had to be doing this to protect herself and probably didn't know how she was doing it. But still I nod at her with an uncharacteristic smile when her eyes light up.

"Get anything you want to take with you and meet me in the living room." I remark and without a word she runs from the room and down the hall. A few seconds later I could hear the sound of feet against stairs heading down and chuckle. I glance over to the pile of dishes and with a flourish of my hands they were clean and put away before I walk back to the man, eyes gleaming.

"Where did you go?" Ashzen growls while my subordinates toss angry glares at him.

"I have decided on a rather..interesting proposal." I grin as he pales. Still, I press on, knowing exactly what his decision would be. "Either you give up your younger son-"

"Never! I would never give up Alexander!" Ashzen hisses, bolting up and glaring.

I smirk viciously as I continue on, "Or you can give me your daughter."

"Why would you want Antebella? She's nothing." He spits out the child's name in disgust and I laugh. Yes, the victory was mine.

"If she's nothing then I'll take her. After all, what's the point holding onto something if you don't want it." I query with a sly grin as he finally nods in agreement.

As I open to speak Antebella enters the room with a small trunk in her hand. I reach and take her hand before moving to leave the house. Just as we reach the door I glance back and whispers sharply, "You either pay off the debt you owe in two years or I will come back."

And with those words I place the child's trunk in my pocket. Hoisting the thin child into my arms I take the path leading to the bank, not bothering to look back to see if the underlings were behind me. All that mattered was the child in my arms, the child the world will know from now on as my daughter.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
hudz96
Comment
hudz96 commented Comment · Feb 11, 2012

WOW. You are an amazing writer, the way you make your characters and make everything so confusing and pile Questions and Questions on top of each other just by reading the first few Paragraphs.

Just one Question you have a certain trend... or pattern to your writing. I am the one that read Infractus and its always Abuse... and children, and memories. Is there a connection to these two stories? But i like it regardless.

Keep it up, please buzz me on my Profile or PM me when you do more.

Hudz
X

xXTheBlackSheepXx commented Comment · Feb 8, 2012

It seems like you have an interesting cast of characters here x) I think it would be cool to see how they develop as the story goes on.

My biggest critique is that the point of view changes quite a bit. It starts out withpter. So I think you should rewrite this in one point of view and not skip around. 1st person as the main character, then switches to 3rd person, then back to 1st person at the end. It was really hard for me to keep track. For a long time I thought Ashzen was the main character, because I just could'nt follow who the one was that we started the story with. I don't think you reveal their name in this chapter.

The only other thing I was having trouble with was what kind of magic this story has. I didn't really understand what they meant by saying they felt magic come from the house or from other people. I don't know what kind of world this is, so I wasn't sure what to think about that. Maybe you could describe the magic a little bit more?

Hope this helped! Interesting characters, like I said. Try to go back and fix a few things before you move on :)

Thanks for the read!

User avatar
Sevenity Review
Sevenity wrote a review Review · Feb 1, 2012

Hi there!

Let's start with cons...

You switch from first-person to third-person. In some cases, it might make sense, but the reason why it's unnatural here is because Lord Ashzen has left the room, so how can he possibly know what the maid is saying to the baby? If he's established as the narrator from the beginning, he should stay as the narrator throughout. Perhaps at an obvious break, like the next chapter, the point of view can change.

The premise of the story is mysterious, but at the same time obvious. This child has great power, probably going to save the world, or some heroic feat as such. It's thrown out there right away. I'm interested to see what kind of power this child has, but the plot doesn't intrigue me much.

Okay. Pros!

Grammar, good. Style, good. In my opinion, the first-person section of the Prologue is more effective than the third-person section. It gives more insight to the character Lord Ashzen.

The idea of the story is interesting, as I said before. Avoiding the typical fantasy-hero-with-amazing-undefeatable-powers-saves-the-world plot is recommended.

Keep writing! I'd like to see how this story improves and develops :)



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