Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Chapter One
The few seconds to process the red staining the snow was her own blood did nothing to still the spear piercing her chest from behind, catching her on the way back home. Hibara shakily reached to grasp the dagger on her belt, only to feel the spear being removed as her knees crumble as pain burns through her chest. An agonizing choking gasp left her as blood warms her chilling skin. Fingers fumbled to put pressure on what she can feel is a punctured lung, drowning in the burning blood pooling in her lungs with each agonizing breath.
Vivid silver eyes watched gleefully as she sank to the cold ground. With herculean effort, she managed to wheeze the name of her attacker. Even then, it barely mattered as he leaned forward to grip her chin, forcing her dulling eyes to look into his own. Her vivid red scleras dulled to a pale shade of pink as her magic struggled to heal the fatal wound that throbbed against the cold and fog piercing through her mind.
“Don’t ever forget, little flame. You will always be weak. Back then, now and in the future, I shall destroy all your family holds dear. I won’t rest until I take back what is rightfully mine. Now be good and die and finally remove the blood you use to shield those pathetic charges that survived my hand.” The words seeped into her mind like knives, cold to the skin and ripping open wounds she constantly hid.
The mocking smile and eyes brought to mind the same she saw that night. As he tore down her clan in a fiery dance of blood, the wooden doors of the temple slammed in her face, locking her inside with her remaining twelve clan children. Blood bubbled through her lungs and down her mouth one final time, burning like the pyre she created all those many dawns ago.
A different kind of pain filtered through her now. A pair of strong hands tightened around her small neck. The feeling remained the same, however. Helpless. Weak. Unable to pry her magic from her patient, Kaida Tsukiyoma finally felt the loss of control that the compulsion to heal had on her own power. Even with her older patient choking her against the wall of the healing room, she couldn’t free her magic from him to herself and as her vision turned to gray, the same words whispered in the mocking tone of someone she didn’t recognize. “Weak. Now and always. Such a useless little fire.”
Kaida jerked awake with a near silent cry. Pain lanced like a fire down her throat. Hands shaked violently as she grasped onto a glowing red orb settled over her heart on an ornate chain. The aura contained inside crackled softly like a popping fireplace and brings with it the warm comfort her mother exuded when she entered any room, her own aura crackling in just the same manor. It was a hollow comfort, this childish charm. Kaida reluctantly stuffs it under her dress as she allowed the pale imitation to settle in her mind, easing the fear that bubbled to the surface from the now fogging dream. Silver eyes and a taunting smile marked all she could vividly recall.
Stifling her own sigh of frustration, she rose from the bed and slipped into her robes. Dawn hadn't even peaked from the horizen yet and she doubted sleep would welcome her again. A few steps later, she slipped into the house slippers she kept by her bedroom door before entering the hallway. The air misted with her breath and sent her shivering as the mountain's spring air seeps through the vacant halls. Indecisively, Kaida stepped to head down the stairs to boil tea when she felt the aura surrounding her ancestral home.
The massive aura slid over the boundary of her home like rain, drizzling against her senses, and prompted her to leave it be. The cool whispers of the presence sliding against her own in a soothing fashion couldn't distract her from who was standing guard outside. Her master's gentle fingers seeing to her injuries the night before replayed briefly and she decided not to push him to come back inside. Instead, she slipped into the living room and pauses as the aura of another pressed against hers. Only this time mellow, quiet in sleep, and rolled with flickering of static on the tip of her tongue. Kira lay sleeping on her couch, a textbook lay on her chest with the pages crumbled in her slumber.
Kaida carefully pried the text from her limp grasp and is slightly mollified that the crumbled pages belonged to her friend's book and not her own. Carefully placing a loose flyer in the pages for her to regain her place later, she stills as Kira shifts in her sleep, a frown tugging at her mouth even in sleep. Clear blue eyes narrowed as a souring emotion taunts at her awareness. The feeling of disappointment spills through the bubbling personality of Kira's electrifying aura and sends all of her instincts roaring with protectiveness that Kaida battled with difficulty. She resolutely resolved to ask what happened later. There'd be only one person who could send Kira here in the middle of the night and while hot headed herself, going up against the Chief of Police out of raging teenage fury would do her no good.
Easing the blanket back over her prone form, Kaida slipped away from Kira and into her family's ancestral kitchen. She easily navigated the dark room and soon the pot of water is set to boil and her hands subconsciously ran through her bangs. Anxious for answers that evade her in sleep, she pondered over going out to Magister Hiro whom still guards her entrance. The option is tempting but ultimately, she decided against. He had requested a meeting with her later, she could ask then, as the tea kettle chimes quietly.
Too many options to choose, Kaida finally sighed. Kira had been right that she needed to pick through her teas sometime when free. Plucking from the various glass jars of dried herbs, she found the soothing ginger tea she found in her mother's recipes a few years prior. The small hint of cinnamon tickles at her increasing senses before she spoons enough for a large pot. She would not be sleeping again. With a warm mug of tea in hand, Kaida settled at the living room table a few minutes later. The pot of tea laid on a large coaster to her right. With a careful application of her magic, the coaster's runes light briefly. Settled that the tea would remain warm through the day, she plucked from under many books and scrolls, her notebook detailing her plans. Fishing around for another pen, Kaida leaned back to take a tentative sip of the drink.
It soothed the fiery pain in her throat. The bruising stood out perfectly against her pale skin in darkening hues of black and purple. She loathed the weakness her magic had invoked in her. Unable to resist the compulsion to heal everyone was a reason many healers did not make it far. She would eventually need a guard and the daunting task would prove to be harder with her own lack of trust in others. Helpless against the driving force of her own powers and bound by the oath to do no harm. The emotions wrought made her furious and also wracked with anxiety and fear over the next incident that would leave her unable to protect herself while facing another patient. This fear would be hard to break when returning back to the clinic and she wondered how Hiro would address the issue later.
Putting the swirling thoughts to rest for now, she marked the date on the top of the page and so began the reassuring task of setting out the day. Shopping would take up the majority as spring settled in, there would be more travel between the villages along the mountain range. More accidents and the looming threat of the demons that lurked in the forest meant that today would help stock on any supplies needed for a few months. Cupping the mug to warm her hands from the cold air, Kaida smirked. More tea would definitely be bought today and she knew Kira would rib her mercilessly over it.
Resting her aching hands against the warm mug after pouring a fresh cup of the tea, Kaida contemplated the date with uneasy eyes. The wooden blocks for telling the date was a vivid reminder of her yearly tradition for the past six years since her parents' deaths. Even as she wrote in the book to make appointments with the baker down the street and the blacksmith across town, she was haunted by an image that mirrored her own in a boy with friendly smiles and fiery promises. Forcing the intruding thoughts aside, she leaned against the couch to slid into a peaceful meditation.
A startled shriek yanked Kaida from the unintentional sleep she slid into. Peering up at Kira from her position sideways on the space between the couch and the table, Kaida stifled a yawn. Clawing its way up Kira's crumpled clinic uniform was Kaida's newly found kitten. The small feline didn't seem bothered by commotion and settled upon Kira's shoulder with a noisy purr. Wide, tiny blue eyes peeked from behind its nuzzling of Kira's face and Kaida couldn't stop the giggle that bursted through her chest. Even the disgruntled scowl on Kira's doll-like face twitched as her glare fell through as the black fuzzball loudly meowed in her ear.
"When did you acquire a ball of fuzz, Kai?" Kira-halfheartedly sighed as the unnamed kitten jumped down to chase the glimmer of sunlight creeping through the window.
"Last night. I found it amongst the trees in the back. The mother looked like it had been attacked by one of the dogs." Kaida shrugged as she stretched the kinks out of her back.
"Are you gonna name it?" Kira's lively green eyes filled with mirth as the kitten bumped into the windo at the edge of the living room.
"I haven't thought of a good name for her yet. Did you want a cup of tea?" Kaida redirected with ease, hands already reaching to pour her own cup of tea.
She didn't comment on Kira's teasing roll of her eyes. But she accepted the tea with ease as they settled side by side on the wooden floor. Kaida fingered the chain at her neck as Kira's mood seemed to slip into despondency, her aura sizzling with her negative thoughts.
"Can you teach me how to cook?"
"Did your mother get on you about it again?" Kaida couldn't control the venom that slipped into her voice as Kira's shoulders slumped and she curled almost under an invisible weight.
"She's determined I learn more then just healing." The hidden message was easy to pick up on, even Kira wasn't trying to hide her own frustration at the notion.
"Sure, if it'll ease her off you some." Kaida nodded resolutely, mind made up that she would speak with Kira's mentor about the pressure she seemed to be hiding again.
Relief flooded Kira's eyes and the two settled back into a quiet silence. Kira while chatty in the best ways also respected Kaida and her needs for quiet during the morning. Instead, she coddled the small kitten as it climbed up her pants to settle on her knee. Kaida decided that they would have to shop for supplies for the feline as Kira was already attached even if she hid it behind scowls and glowers that were halfhearted at best.
"We should get shopping done before you meet with Hiro. He seemed pretty stressed last night." Kira confessed, eyes lingering on the hand-shaped bruises darkening Kaida's neck with unreadable emotions fluttering in her eyes.
"I was planning on it. Did you want me to stock up on things for you here?"
Kira nodded. A frown tugged at her lips as Kaida finally relented. She wouldn't come out and say it, but she wasn't planning to stay at home much. If tensions ran thick, Kira would inhabit her customary room that Kaida refused to re-purpose since her childhood friend started this habit. The room belonged to Kira and she would not take it away when her friend obviously needed this place to return to.
The tea was slowly finished off as the sun hovered further into the sky. It wasn't too early anymore and most of the shops would be open and ready. They both moved into a routine all of their own. Kaida sliding the cups, saucers, and tea pot into the sink. Small twists of her wrists and a quiet murmur of the enchantment had the dishes washing themselves. Kira placed the small kitten in a room where it would be safe from the stairs and anything too dangerous before clearing away the table. Books were placed back on her shelf and papers easily sorted into Kaida's persistent organization.
Kira slid down the railing of her staircase with a gleeful grin. Changed into more comfortable clothes, she darted to the door. Shaking her head as she followed more sedately, Kaida fished from the bowl on the small stand beside the door, her keys and a silver card that glittered in the sun. Shoes were easily slipped into as Kira bounded out the door to execute a perfect handstand with a small tumble back into the thick snow that fills the yard.
"Honestly, you just like showing off." Kaida grumbled, envious at the ease that her friend was able to pull of such flexibility.
"You're too good at healing. Give me this one." Kira snarked with a smirk as she snatched the list from her hands.
Kaida shrugged. While healing was all good in a sense, she didn't like the helplessness that bubbled in her chest. The phantom feelings of hands on her neck nearly knocked her breath away before she slid onto her back from a patch of hidden ice. Cold hands easily wrapped around her shoulders, breaking her backwards fall.
"You should be careful, Kaida." The voice sliced through her flailing panic with gentle chimes of bells as her eyes catch the warm crimson hues glittering in the sun.
"Magister Hiro, so you hadn't left yet." Kaida mumbled, cheeks flushed as she quickly stepped away from his arms.
"I was about to head to the clinic. Don't forget our meeting later, Kaida." The warning is a warm chiding that makes her cheeks hurt from embarrassment.
"One time, Magister and you never let me live it down. I was late once!" Kaida hissed, blue eyes sharp and oozing with her magic as it stirred.
"I'm teasing, little fire. Calm down. Mira would like you to come by afterward." Hiro grinned, fanged teeth on full display as he disappears into the shadows of the forest with a lingering laughter.
Kira laughed at Kaida's furious squeak of denial. Even so, Kaida silently struck the meeting with the baker and blacksmith off for another day. She would never turn down a meeting with Hiro's mate, Mira, for anything. She was too kind to her to even put up much of a fight if she even had the thought to do so. Annoyance fluttered across her face before Kira dragged her through the fence and out towards the market.
"You get riled so easily with him." Kira teased lightly as they kept a slow walk through the streets towards the large marketplace in the center of town.
So after like two-three years of hiatus, I'm sort of back. I'm looking for tips on any feeling of info-dumping and would love to hear any helpful comments. This is technically only the first half. Thanks for reading!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Soulkana, I'm here to leave a review.
I enjoy how you allow characters to have a moment. The small ones, like the book, and the tea. I feel like you're building strong characters right off the bat.
If you're asking about info-dumping, I almost feel like there isn't enough information here to satisfy me. I want to know more about the magic right off the bat. The beginning section was difficult for me to read because I didn't know if this was going to be about magic or some kind of warrior or what. Also, is there a flashback within a flashback? I would love to comment more specifically on what I feel needs to be changed, but I'm just kind of confused about that part in general. I feel like maybe starting the chapter without that part might be wiser, and have Kaida remember bits and pieces throughout the morning. She also seems awfully calm for having been strangled the night before.
JesseWrites has a point-- I had trouble keeping up with what tense you were using. Past and present were all jumbled up, sometimes switching mid-sentence! Go back through and take a look at that. I caught a few mistakes word-wise, as well.
"Horizen" should be "horizon."
"Hands shaked violently" should be "hands shook violently."
I know how much I hate nitpicks, so I'll leave you with those two. But make sure you go back through with a spell checker to catch those pesky mistakes!
Let's talk about your opening sentence.
There's a LOT going on here. It's a good image, but I feel like the execution needs some work. Why don't you pop us right into the mind of the character? Judging from the next sentence, this character's name is Hibara (this further confuses me because I thought that this was Kaida's memory). You could say something like,
Obviously, that's completely up to you, but that makes the first sentence a lot less unwieldy, and still gets the point across. You're the author, so definitely say something that fits in with what you're trying to do!
There is a bit of wordiness throughout, I feel, so try to read it aloud and see how many long, long sentences you have going on, as well as adjectives that might be redundant.
Overall, I found myself enjoying this as it went along. I hope that this review proves useful to you. I don't usually review novel chapters, but since this is chapter 1, at least I'm getting in on the ground floor! Happy review day, and keep writing!
There is strong character development. You also had a lot of description. I could enjoy this story. There were a couple errors though....
You struggled to keep the tense right. It was harder for me to understand some of the scenes. Like the relationship with Kaida. Practice more and it will get easier and you'll get used to it.
Keep it up!
~S.M.Locke~
There is strong character development. You also had a lot of description. I could enjoy this story. There were a couple errors though....
You struggled to keep the tense right. It was harder for me to understand some of the scenes. Like the relationship with Kaida. Practice more and it will get easier and you'll get used to it.
Keep it up!
~S.M.Locke~
This is incredible! You're very good at writing strong, captivating description. It's very easy to picture these scenes as I read them. A few things to note, though:
Make sure everything is in the same tense--present or past, but not both. Also, a more descriptive introduction to Kira's character at the beginning would be a bit helpful in understanding her relationship with Kaida right off the bat.
Keep up the amazing work! I'm excited to see more!
The tensing issue is an ongoing issue for me lol. I am attempting to keep working that out but mistakes do slip. I also do plan to add in a bit more of Kira's purpose/relationship in a further edit